Where do I begin....in retrospect of the past months or where I'm at today? both. always. (also my motto with dessert). Through a series of events yesterday and today I've realized that the "fog" of the last few months have been a part of working out Paul's words to the Corinthians about "putting childish ways behind them" (1 Cor. 13:11). In the midst of it, I felt like a phony, an ape, an act. In hindsight I can see that it was just the uncomfortable process of sanctification, akin to those lovely "early teen years" where everyone is graceful, confident, put together...er, wait?!......you get the idea. But in this case it was the "adolscence" of my faith and growing in the ways I live out my walk with Jesus. Growing up in the church is a tremendous blessing, I don't take it for granted...but it also makes it easy to get into a rut of "THIS is how my faith looks", especially emotionally-charged spiritual experiences from trips to concerts. Part of this "growing up spiritually" is due to biological growth, when I was a teen I reasoned like a teen- with my amygdala, the emotional processing part of our brains that make decisions and decode events based on emotions. This isn't bad, it's biological, and those experiences, seasons, lessons are no less applicable or monumental because they are emotionally based...I just can't expect them to define my faith in the same way as they did in my teens. Thanks be to God that we grow in change in life. I can see that much of the fog was a result of many things, including the fact that I'm "not a child" and that my faith and my reasoning shouldn't and wont be like it was. I've grown and now, my trusty psychological education reminds me, have a developed prefontal cortex which specializes in reasoning. It makes sense that the shift would be awkward and painful, much like those middle school years. They are perspective changing, monumental, and good. Like the adolescent years, they are purposeful and productive ; the braces give way to a beautiful smile and the awkward limbs are grown into. Life goes on.
Yesterday was a doozy of a morning commute; I left 5 minutes late, hit the raising of two bridges, struggled to find parking, and definitely let my "inner two year old" escape in full out "supermarket tantrum" mode as I idled in my car. I blamed the God who unceasingly blesses me. It was a hot-mess resulting in humility as I quieted and was reminded that "I am loved with an everlasting love, even in THIS moment of rebellion and anger". That stunned and encouraged me. One of the things I am most grateful about the last season is that it has fostered a renewed passion for the Gospel, for what I've been saved from and saved to. An un-earned, beautiful inheritance, an everlasting hope. I'm not naiive to say that I wont experience similar seasons to come, I know this is not the peak, it's a vantage point, Lord willing, somewhere in the middle of my earthly life. Another aspect, one that piqued my thoughts toward the brain development and how that changes the particulars of how my daily walk looks was Colton Dixon's performance of Lifehouse's "Everything". Listen to it Here He boldly worshiped his heart out in front of America and as I joined in at home the thought crossed my mind "I want to worship like that--with that transparency and passion, again" and then led to the realization that I CAN and do worship that way--it just looks different now. Expressed through avenues like this blog and in conversations over coffee, as I teach Sunday school, and occasionally in unbridled, belted out song. It's not less, not better, just different. I'm growing, God is good. and life is beautiful.
Friday, March 30, 2012
Thursday, March 22, 2012
Coffee contemplations
As I read through Numbers, sipped my coffee, and generally reflected (on life, Kenya, my hearing loss, etc)... this post flowed out of me...
Sometimes I wish I was content to stay here; to live a simple, North American life. I wish all I yearned for was to settle down, be faithful and fruitful here.
But I can't shake the still and steady voice that beats my heart and reasonates in my soul, telling me that at least for this season I am called elsewhere, not more or less, just different than the "American Dream". Deep down I know this calling is truly what I desire, what I get excited about, what I'm terrified of and can't wait for--all at once.
So I take a sip, grab my pen, and settle my thoughts. I take it one day at a time. I am called here today. I obey in what I see trusting the One whose fingerprints are plastered all over this world--like a child's on the front window. I cannot overlook or ignore His calling. I read today in Numbers that some are called to serve "...in serving and bearing burdens" (4:24 ESV). Specifically, the Gershonites role in carrying parts of the tabernacle). This unshakeable desire to teach kids in Kenya and elsewhere, of all abilities, is my burden of service. But I must remember tht ultimately it's HIS burden and it is "light" for it is only on His shoulders and by His strength that the burden is fulfilled and carried. I step out and surrender, one day at a time...
Sometimes I wish I was content to stay here; to live a simple, North American life. I wish all I yearned for was to settle down, be faithful and fruitful here.
But I can't shake the still and steady voice that beats my heart and reasonates in my soul, telling me that at least for this season I am called elsewhere, not more or less, just different than the "American Dream". Deep down I know this calling is truly what I desire, what I get excited about, what I'm terrified of and can't wait for--all at once.
So I take a sip, grab my pen, and settle my thoughts. I take it one day at a time. I am called here today. I obey in what I see trusting the One whose fingerprints are plastered all over this world--like a child's on the front window. I cannot overlook or ignore His calling. I read today in Numbers that some are called to serve "...in serving and bearing burdens" (4:24 ESV). Specifically, the Gershonites role in carrying parts of the tabernacle). This unshakeable desire to teach kids in Kenya and elsewhere, of all abilities, is my burden of service. But I must remember tht ultimately it's HIS burden and it is "light" for it is only on His shoulders and by His strength that the burden is fulfilled and carried. I step out and surrender, one day at a time...
Friday, March 16, 2012
Honest Heart, Bones, and new birth
Yesterday was the culmination of an odd season for me and today I woke up with joy. Joy and peace and believing. This honest and humility producing post poured out of me last night before I went to bed...
I have been so worried about 'getting it right that I didn't really risk getting hurt- I wasn't willing to risk waiting. I wanted the guys in my life to be where I was at instead of waiting on them and God...I forced conversations and situations that I should have entrusted not grasped....A direct reflection of how I'd been approaching God. I expected Him to work at my pace with Kenya, relationships, etc.; and I wanted answers in my timing. It doesn't work that way. He is sovereign, thanks be to Him!
I am so thankful for things that haven't gone my way--how Kenya has come together, relationships this past year, and many little things.
I've gotten into/caught up on the TV show "Bones" this past year. This week I began to realize I am kind of like the title character, Dr. Temperance Brennan. I wish I could say it's because I share the breadth of her intellect, but it's actually in relationships that I see the similarities. Brennan, "Bones" was deeply wounded in her past and that led to a guardedness in relationships. She was impervious out of fear and mistrust- her past had taught her that people will ultimately let her down and her logic concluded that the best way to prevent that was to not let them in at all. But love isn't logical. It's a risk with many uncertainties...like C.S. Lewis articulates "To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.” (The Four Loves). Love, interpersonal, vocationally, in hope; makes life worth living. Over the course of 6 seasons Bones learns this. Much like her vocation--our heart wounds are revealed as layers are stripped away and we get to the root and foundational elements of who we are. It's messy, painful, and brutally honest. One of her closest friends remarks that "Listen, you said you wanted to do this alone because feelings are ephemeral. So is life, Brennan. We're here one minute and then we're gone the next. You should know that better than anybody! If you keep living trying to protect yourself, nothing is ever going to touch you".
As I look back over the last couple of years I can see how I've approached life (relationships, faith) this way...I've chosen to be alone, to harbor mistrust, to strive to prove myself-it's exhausting and futile. In life and love I want to risk getting hurt because of the possibility of something great. Knowing God is sovereign over all of it--I am secure. I want to step out in faith and not be held back. Like Brennan, I'm beginning to be able to say that "Im... quite strong. ...You know the difference between strength and imperviousness, right? ...Well, a substance that is impervious to damage doesn't need to be strong. When you and I met. I was an impervious substance. Now I'm a strong substance." Today I am strong because God uses my weaknesses to make me strong in him...to help me to trust and grow. I can't wait to see where He takes me--to Kenya and in life...
I have been so worried about 'getting it right that I didn't really risk getting hurt- I wasn't willing to risk waiting. I wanted the guys in my life to be where I was at instead of waiting on them and God...I forced conversations and situations that I should have entrusted not grasped....A direct reflection of how I'd been approaching God. I expected Him to work at my pace with Kenya, relationships, etc.; and I wanted answers in my timing. It doesn't work that way. He is sovereign, thanks be to Him!
I am so thankful for things that haven't gone my way--how Kenya has come together, relationships this past year, and many little things.
I've gotten into/caught up on the TV show "Bones" this past year. This week I began to realize I am kind of like the title character, Dr. Temperance Brennan. I wish I could say it's because I share the breadth of her intellect, but it's actually in relationships that I see the similarities. Brennan, "Bones" was deeply wounded in her past and that led to a guardedness in relationships. She was impervious out of fear and mistrust- her past had taught her that people will ultimately let her down and her logic concluded that the best way to prevent that was to not let them in at all. But love isn't logical. It's a risk with many uncertainties...like C.S. Lewis articulates "To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.” (The Four Loves). Love, interpersonal, vocationally, in hope; makes life worth living. Over the course of 6 seasons Bones learns this. Much like her vocation--our heart wounds are revealed as layers are stripped away and we get to the root and foundational elements of who we are. It's messy, painful, and brutally honest. One of her closest friends remarks that "Listen, you said you wanted to do this alone because feelings are ephemeral. So is life, Brennan. We're here one minute and then we're gone the next. You should know that better than anybody! If you keep living trying to protect yourself, nothing is ever going to touch you".
As I look back over the last couple of years I can see how I've approached life (relationships, faith) this way...I've chosen to be alone, to harbor mistrust, to strive to prove myself-it's exhausting and futile. In life and love I want to risk getting hurt because of the possibility of something great. Knowing God is sovereign over all of it--I am secure. I want to step out in faith and not be held back. Like Brennan, I'm beginning to be able to say that "Im... quite strong. ...You know the difference between strength and imperviousness, right? ...Well, a substance that is impervious to damage doesn't need to be strong. When you and I met. I was an impervious substance. Now I'm a strong substance." Today I am strong because God uses my weaknesses to make me strong in him...to help me to trust and grow. I can't wait to see where He takes me--to Kenya and in life...
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