The Intentional Man

I had three posts pour out of me today and may put up another, but I wanted to post this. My good friend Emily and I are starting to go through a book together that I read a year and a half ago by Carolyn McCulley titled "Did I  Kiss Marriage Goodbye". As I flipped through it today this section stood out to me again...emphasis is mine...I thought it was worth sharing...since it seems like such a prevalent issue in churches and for young adult Christians today...the entirety of the book centers on how Christian single women can cultivate qualities of the "Proverbs 31" woman right now...not waiting for when they get into a relationship or marriage.

The Intentional Man
If you are fortunate, you know a few tested noble men. What remains is whether or not they are being intentional toward you. The "problem" with godly men is that they are so markedly different--gentlemanly, kind, attentive--from most men in our culture that it's hard to not receive it personally. I see that over and over again in my church as new women join. Inevitably, one of the guys will offer to walk a woman to her car after a meeting. These women usually have one of two reactions. Either they will refuse the offer because they think the guy is interested, or they will light up like Times Square because they think he is interested. What they don't know is that there is a third option: He's not interested--just extending gentlemanly care. Because they don't know the culture, it's easy to be confused.
The point is, an intentional man makes his purposes known. He tells you what he's doing and where he's leading. He is clear about where he wants the relationship to go. When he's not clear when he's not saying anything, when he's enjoying the friendship but not moving forward--he's not being intentional. Period. You don't see noble deeds because he's not making those noble plans. You may have the greatest friendship in the world, but he's just hanging out in it. In fact, one man (a Christian) called this half-hearted testing of the water "the buddy approach," which he indulged for a number of years with the woman he eventually married:

"I crafted what I thought was an ingenious approach to women: the "buddy approach"...I saw it as a safe way to take a chance--to see if a relationship could grow without the pressure of formal dating and terms like "boyfriend" or "girlfriend." If the friendship began to disappoint, I could always just say, "Oh, maybe you misunderstood me, we're just friends"...to make matters worse, my expectations for women were set by movies and magazine covers that caused me to fantasize about perfection and overlook the real available women right in front of me.
I realized that honesty about the deep friendship I enjoyed with Candice meant I had to quit looking out of the corner of my eye for other options. She deserved my full attention. Traditional wedding vows often include the phrase, "forsaking all others as long as we both shall live." I knew I needed to start practicing the art of "forsaking."'

I know how tempting it is to hang out in these undefined friendships where the best you can get is a blurry, part-time boyfriend. At least some attention is better than none, right? Nope, sorry, I'm no longer convinced of that. For one, I find it challenging to guard my heart and keep my peace before God in these "hopeful friendships." I'm always in danger of closing my fist-of-demand over the friendship. Second, it tempts the men to passivity, in my opinion. It provides them with the out of "oh, maybe you misunderstood me, we're just friends." If we women would be better about guarding the amount of time and attention invested in these close friendships, we might see our reserve rewarded with pursuit instead of passivity.

...When is a man interested? When he says so and his actions back up his words. Anything less is at best merely friendly, and possibly even uncertain or inconsiderate. If he's a noble man who's made noble plans, one of his noble deeds is letting you know about it!" (p.88-90)


Any thoughts?