This Moment Matters

            It was in the middle of my getting ready for bed routine that I had to come here and write. Today was beautiful; an encouraging and convicting sermon, hugs from some of my favorite kiddos, a great lunch with friends, and a celebration of one of the most fought for and beautiful babies in the world who has lived past one year against all odds. This day was juxtaposed with a lot of sadness around me, in the last few weeks a neighbor’s daughter died suddenly from an autoimmune disorder leaving behind a husband and a 5 year old daughter, a boy from my former high school was fighting for his life and now recovering after an accident. Additionally, it was the one year anniversary of my Uncle’s death. All these circumstances have served as poignant reminders that life is short, fragile, and tomorrow is not guaranteed. 

So how do I respond to that?

Do I frantically grasp to gain certainty, security, some sense of assurance of tomorrow and life in the things around me? Do I get caught up in preparing for the future or dwelling on the past because they’re “easier” to control, at least in my mentality? Or do I let this truth that life is fleeting and a gift change the way I live? Not living out of fear and in haste but in faith and hope. Yet, how do I find the healthy medium between fretting about the future I can’t control and yet still diligently planning in faith? Somewhat ironically I think it lies in the present, this moment, writing in my pjs in earnestness and purposefully. I can’t change the past and I certainly cannot control the future, but I can do what I see today. This is a discipline, it requires a re-wiring of my tendency to live this moment in the future instead of utilizing it for what I can see and do. I also think it’s important to not shrug off the weeks and days that are dotted with reminders of the reality of death, I must live in those moments of pain and suffering just as much as I seek to capture the moments of joy around me.

 One of the myriad of ways preparation for Kenya is changing me is in this very way. It would be ridiculous for me to spend this time worrying about the trip, and yet not diligently do the details I can today, from shots to shopping for it. It is teaching me patience; that each day is purposeful in the preparation not solely because it will “get me there” but because it is part of where I’m supposed to get to and be today. Today is just as important as each day in the 8 weeks I will be there.

Today is purposeful, this moment matters, I don’t want to miss it, I want to live it in love, in joy, in thankfulness, and in faith- that the God who created me leads and guides me. He enables me to be strong and courageous, wherever I go.

In closing, here are the lyrics to one of my favorite songs, “Power of a Moment” by Chris Rice

What am I gonna be when I grow up?

How am I gonna make my mark in history?

And what are they gonna write about me when I'm gone?

These are the questions that shape the way I think about what matters

Well I have no guarantee of my next heartbeat

My world's too big to make a name for myself

And what if no one wants to read about me when I'm gone?

It seems to me that

Right now's the only moment that matters

You know the number of my days

So come paint Your pictures on the canvas of my head and

Come write Your wisdom on my heart

Teach me the power of a moment

The power of a moment

The power of a moment

In Your kingdom where the least is greatest

The weak are given strength and fools confound the wise

And forever brushed up against a moment's time

leaving impressions and drawing me into what really matters

You know the number of my days

So come paint Your pictures on the canvas of my head and

Come write Your wisdom on my heart

Teach me the power of a moment

The power of a moment

The power of a moment

I get so distracted by my bigger schemes

Show me the importance of the simple things

Like a word, a seed, a thorn, a nail and a cup of cold water

You know the number of my days

So come paint Your pictures on the canvas of my head and

Come write Your wisdom on my heart

Teach me the power of a moment

            The power of a moment

The Power of a moment.

One of my favorite 5 year olds and I chatting at the beach

Attitude, not Ability

It's been awhile since I've written. I can't blame busyness; it’s been more out of fear that I’ve dropped the proverbial pen. Fear that I’m not adequate, fear and pride that these measly words don’t reach many and thus have less meaning. Basically a mess of: bogus, debilitating, disheartening, discouragement.

Maybe I got caught up in reading “successful” blogs that reach thousands, get hundreds of comments, and shares and thought; where do I fit? What’s the point? Or even the ugly jealousy of “why theirs not mine?” Today I refocused. What those blogs have is heart, honesty, and perspective—all things I possess. I remembered that I can’t write for an audience. I have to write from my heart, that’s what connects people. Transparency is freeing. I’m adequate and able for MY task at hand, which right now is for YOU, the person reading this, you are my audience, for that I am grateful. I am thankful that my worth is not based on the extent of my outreach. I have to be content where I'm at. My perspective has been fought for, and it’s purposeful. I can’t shrink back from it.

Kenya is less than TWO MONTHS away. It’s easy for me to be future focused; it still seems so far away, but I know it will smack me in the face in fear and joy on June 20^th. I’ve been amazed that encouragement has come at just the right time. In unexpected places—my grandpa is a “retired” pastor, who still works in prison ministry and out of the blue he called me last week saying that his old friends were visiting and that he wanted me to talk to them. I knew he was connected, but I was still shocked to find myself speaking with the FINANCIAL DIRECTOR’S WIFE of SIM, the organization I am going with. Her encouragement and prayer was exactly what I needed. Today I was reminded in the midst of a mental tangent of “what if’s” about my “inabilities” and hearing loss related worries about the trip; that my inabilities don’t define me.  Maybe it was brought on by the anticipation of my annual hearing check-up next week. Today, just like the Israelites, I needed the reminder that my stuff isn’t the underlying or determining factor in my circumstances—my God wills and works for His glory and good pleasure. He hems me in. He makes his power perfect and beautiful in my weakness.

Additionally, I am thankful for the writing of many who have suffered well before me—Joni Eareckson Tada, Kelle Hampton, John Knight, Shanna Groves, and others who show me that attitude is pivotal. Joy is a choice. Disability is an opportunity, not a sentence. Daily I choose whether I worry about losing more hearing, being embarrassed, and missing out; or I choose joy, honesty, accepting that life is hard but there’s hope and humor. I can’t change my hearing ability but I can change my attitude. Today, with the wind in my hair and the sun on my face, I choose gratitude and joy, for where I am and where I’m going.

Gratitude is a discipline

Today was beautiful. It was full of laughter with the boy I work with, and real tears, almost on my part out of empathy, that he had to work instead of play outside. I was reminded of the importance of tending to my heart and relationship with Jesus with the diligence of weeding a garden...let things grow and fester and you have a way bigger mess than if you would have dealt with the issues, the doubts when the sprouts first poked through the soil... I was also SO encouraged by an unexpected dinner with a rep from SIM and his nephew--and later humbled that I'm so naiive and faithless that I doubt that Jesus will continue to encourage and nourish me just when I need it...I'm all too much like Israel. But I'm thankful for every aspect of today...and so grateful for the gratitiude project I've embarked on...a challenge to write down 1,000 things I'm grateful for... It is a discipline, it takes intentionality and time, just like weeding a garden. Hope you're having a blessed week!