Where do I begin....in retrospect of the past months or where I'm at today? both. always. (also my motto with dessert). Through a series of events yesterday and today I've realized that the "fog" of the last few months have been a part of working out Paul's words to the Corinthians about "putting childish ways behind them" (1 Cor. 13:11). In the midst of it, I felt like a phony, an ape, an act. In hindsight I can see that it was just the uncomfortable process of sanctification, akin to those lovely "early teen years" where everyone is graceful, confident, put together...er, wait?!......you get the idea. But in this case it was the "adolscence" of my faith and growing in the ways I live out my walk with Jesus. Growing up in the church is a tremendous blessing, I don't take it for granted...but it also makes it easy to get into a rut of "THIS is how my faith looks", especially emotionally-charged spiritual experiences from trips to concerts. Part of this "growing up spiritually" is due to biological growth, when I was a teen I reasoned like a teen- with my amygdala, the emotional processing part of our brains that make decisions and decode events based on emotions. This isn't bad, it's biological, and those experiences, seasons, lessons are no less applicable or monumental because they are emotionally based...I just can't expect them to define my faith in the same way as they did in my teens. Thanks be to God that we grow in change in life. I can see that much of the fog was a result of many things, including the fact that I'm "not a child" and that my faith and my reasoning shouldn't and wont be like it was. I've grown and now, my trusty psychological education reminds me, have a developed prefontal cortex which specializes in reasoning. It makes sense that the shift would be awkward and painful, much like those middle school years. They are perspective changing, monumental, and good. Like the adolescent years, they are purposeful and productive ; the braces give way to a beautiful smile and the awkward limbs are grown into. Life goes on.
Yesterday was a doozy of a morning commute; I left 5 minutes late, hit the raising of two bridges, struggled to find parking, and definitely let my "inner two year old" escape in full out "supermarket tantrum" mode as I idled in my car. I blamed the God who unceasingly blesses me. It was a hot-mess resulting in humility as I quieted and was reminded that "I am loved with an everlasting love, even in THIS moment of rebellion and anger". That stunned and encouraged me. One of the things I am most grateful about the last season is that it has fostered a renewed passion for the Gospel, for what I've been saved from and saved to. An un-earned, beautiful inheritance, an everlasting hope. I'm not naiive to say that I wont experience similar seasons to come, I know this is not the peak, it's a vantage point, Lord willing, somewhere in the middle of my earthly life. Another aspect, one that piqued my thoughts toward the brain development and how that changes the particulars of how my daily walk looks was Colton Dixon's performance of Lifehouse's "Everything". Listen to it Here He boldly worshiped his heart out in front of America and as I joined in at home the thought crossed my mind "I want to worship like that--with that transparency and passion, again" and then led to the realization that I CAN and do worship that way--it just looks different now. Expressed through avenues like this blog and in conversations over coffee, as I teach Sunday school, and occasionally in unbridled, belted out song. It's not less, not better, just different. I'm growing, God is good. and life is beautiful.
Friday, March 30, 2012
Thursday, March 22, 2012
Coffee contemplations
As I read through Numbers, sipped my coffee, and generally reflected (on life, Kenya, my hearing loss, etc)... this post flowed out of me...
Sometimes I wish I was content to stay here; to live a simple, North American life. I wish all I yearned for was to settle down, be faithful and fruitful here.
But I can't shake the still and steady voice that beats my heart and reasonates in my soul, telling me that at least for this season I am called elsewhere, not more or less, just different than the "American Dream". Deep down I know this calling is truly what I desire, what I get excited about, what I'm terrified of and can't wait for--all at once.
So I take a sip, grab my pen, and settle my thoughts. I take it one day at a time. I am called here today. I obey in what I see trusting the One whose fingerprints are plastered all over this world--like a child's on the front window. I cannot overlook or ignore His calling. I read today in Numbers that some are called to serve "...in serving and bearing burdens" (4:24 ESV). Specifically, the Gershonites role in carrying parts of the tabernacle). This unshakeable desire to teach kids in Kenya and elsewhere, of all abilities, is my burden of service. But I must remember tht ultimately it's HIS burden and it is "light" for it is only on His shoulders and by His strength that the burden is fulfilled and carried. I step out and surrender, one day at a time...
Sometimes I wish I was content to stay here; to live a simple, North American life. I wish all I yearned for was to settle down, be faithful and fruitful here.
But I can't shake the still and steady voice that beats my heart and reasonates in my soul, telling me that at least for this season I am called elsewhere, not more or less, just different than the "American Dream". Deep down I know this calling is truly what I desire, what I get excited about, what I'm terrified of and can't wait for--all at once.
So I take a sip, grab my pen, and settle my thoughts. I take it one day at a time. I am called here today. I obey in what I see trusting the One whose fingerprints are plastered all over this world--like a child's on the front window. I cannot overlook or ignore His calling. I read today in Numbers that some are called to serve "...in serving and bearing burdens" (4:24 ESV). Specifically, the Gershonites role in carrying parts of the tabernacle). This unshakeable desire to teach kids in Kenya and elsewhere, of all abilities, is my burden of service. But I must remember tht ultimately it's HIS burden and it is "light" for it is only on His shoulders and by His strength that the burden is fulfilled and carried. I step out and surrender, one day at a time...
Friday, March 16, 2012
Honest Heart, Bones, and new birth
Yesterday was the culmination of an odd season for me and today I woke up with joy. Joy and peace and believing. This honest and humility producing post poured out of me last night before I went to bed...
I have been so worried about 'getting it right that I didn't really risk getting hurt- I wasn't willing to risk waiting. I wanted the guys in my life to be where I was at instead of waiting on them and God...I forced conversations and situations that I should have entrusted not grasped....A direct reflection of how I'd been approaching God. I expected Him to work at my pace with Kenya, relationships, etc.; and I wanted answers in my timing. It doesn't work that way. He is sovereign, thanks be to Him!
I am so thankful for things that haven't gone my way--how Kenya has come together, relationships this past year, and many little things.
I've gotten into/caught up on the TV show "Bones" this past year. This week I began to realize I am kind of like the title character, Dr. Temperance Brennan. I wish I could say it's because I share the breadth of her intellect, but it's actually in relationships that I see the similarities. Brennan, "Bones" was deeply wounded in her past and that led to a guardedness in relationships. She was impervious out of fear and mistrust- her past had taught her that people will ultimately let her down and her logic concluded that the best way to prevent that was to not let them in at all. But love isn't logical. It's a risk with many uncertainties...like C.S. Lewis articulates "To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.” (The Four Loves). Love, interpersonal, vocationally, in hope; makes life worth living. Over the course of 6 seasons Bones learns this. Much like her vocation--our heart wounds are revealed as layers are stripped away and we get to the root and foundational elements of who we are. It's messy, painful, and brutally honest. One of her closest friends remarks that "Listen, you said you wanted to do this alone because feelings are ephemeral. So is life, Brennan. We're here one minute and then we're gone the next. You should know that better than anybody! If you keep living trying to protect yourself, nothing is ever going to touch you".
As I look back over the last couple of years I can see how I've approached life (relationships, faith) this way...I've chosen to be alone, to harbor mistrust, to strive to prove myself-it's exhausting and futile. In life and love I want to risk getting hurt because of the possibility of something great. Knowing God is sovereign over all of it--I am secure. I want to step out in faith and not be held back. Like Brennan, I'm beginning to be able to say that "Im... quite strong. ...You know the difference between strength and imperviousness, right? ...Well, a substance that is impervious to damage doesn't need to be strong. When you and I met. I was an impervious substance. Now I'm a strong substance." Today I am strong because God uses my weaknesses to make me strong in him...to help me to trust and grow. I can't wait to see where He takes me--to Kenya and in life...
I have been so worried about 'getting it right that I didn't really risk getting hurt- I wasn't willing to risk waiting. I wanted the guys in my life to be where I was at instead of waiting on them and God...I forced conversations and situations that I should have entrusted not grasped....A direct reflection of how I'd been approaching God. I expected Him to work at my pace with Kenya, relationships, etc.; and I wanted answers in my timing. It doesn't work that way. He is sovereign, thanks be to Him!
I am so thankful for things that haven't gone my way--how Kenya has come together, relationships this past year, and many little things.
I've gotten into/caught up on the TV show "Bones" this past year. This week I began to realize I am kind of like the title character, Dr. Temperance Brennan. I wish I could say it's because I share the breadth of her intellect, but it's actually in relationships that I see the similarities. Brennan, "Bones" was deeply wounded in her past and that led to a guardedness in relationships. She was impervious out of fear and mistrust- her past had taught her that people will ultimately let her down and her logic concluded that the best way to prevent that was to not let them in at all. But love isn't logical. It's a risk with many uncertainties...like C.S. Lewis articulates "To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.” (The Four Loves). Love, interpersonal, vocationally, in hope; makes life worth living. Over the course of 6 seasons Bones learns this. Much like her vocation--our heart wounds are revealed as layers are stripped away and we get to the root and foundational elements of who we are. It's messy, painful, and brutally honest. One of her closest friends remarks that "Listen, you said you wanted to do this alone because feelings are ephemeral. So is life, Brennan. We're here one minute and then we're gone the next. You should know that better than anybody! If you keep living trying to protect yourself, nothing is ever going to touch you".
As I look back over the last couple of years I can see how I've approached life (relationships, faith) this way...I've chosen to be alone, to harbor mistrust, to strive to prove myself-it's exhausting and futile. In life and love I want to risk getting hurt because of the possibility of something great. Knowing God is sovereign over all of it--I am secure. I want to step out in faith and not be held back. Like Brennan, I'm beginning to be able to say that "Im... quite strong. ...You know the difference between strength and imperviousness, right? ...Well, a substance that is impervious to damage doesn't need to be strong. When you and I met. I was an impervious substance. Now I'm a strong substance." Today I am strong because God uses my weaknesses to make me strong in him...to help me to trust and grow. I can't wait to see where He takes me--to Kenya and in life...
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Kenya: Who, What, Where....when?
So I know the last "update" on my Kenya trip was vague...but I now have some more details :-)
Where: well the title tells ya :-)
Who: Serving in Mission, I'll be going with them and working at Tenderfeet, an early childhood school for the beautiful children from Kibera, a large slum near Nairobi.
What: Teaching: art, Bible, and various other things in the infant and toddler classes
When: broadly speaking July and August, 8ishweeks
Dates: coming...
Can't Wait...
Where: well the title tells ya :-)
Who: Serving in Mission, I'll be going with them and working at Tenderfeet, an early childhood school for the beautiful children from Kibera, a large slum near Nairobi.
What: Teaching: art, Bible, and various other things in the infant and toddler classes
When: broadly speaking July and August, 8ishweeks
Dates: coming...
Image courtesy of www.tenderfeetkids.org
Friday, February 24, 2012
Forcing Rest
It's a dreary, rainy, Friday afternoon. I'm weezing and coughing my way through the day and miserably failing at fighting them off. It's been a full, roller-coaster week. Today, I've been encouraged by Chambers to serve well, in light of Christ, to put Him as my center, and I had a great day with the kiddo- it's so rewarding and encouraging to see him grow, daily, weekly. I guess I'm in a season of figuring out how to work out my salvation in diverse tangible ways. I don't want to be stagnant, complacent. I think one of my biggest struggles, however, is taking time for rest. I tend to go full steam ahead until I get sick...At a retreat I went to a few years ago the speaker remarked that Jesus had balance.. of rest and work, eating and fasting, and solitude and companionship. Admittedly, my weakness is in resting. Two of the most influential books I've read, Spiritual Depression by Dr. Martin Lloyd Jones, and Future Grace by John Piper, discuss how essential grasping the Gospel, especially the centrality of the doctrine of Justification, is to working out our faith, not working to prove our faith or worthiness. I am in a season of understanding justification, of resting in its promise and security. In THAT I can rest, knowing I dont have to work to be loved, to be secure, to prove myself.
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
More Beautiful You
Do you know there could never be a more beautiful you? I don't mean the dressed up, make-uped, spanxed, version of you; but YOU--rolling out of bed after a late night of sorrow--THAT you, is beautiful.
I'm not talking about the superficial; looks, figure, hair, complexion, etc. aspects that were never meant to define you. Culture changes--looks fade, wrinkle, get scarred. But true beauty remains. How much freedom would be felt when you take off the mask of makeup, the facade you think you have to present, I don't know, but I do know that your beauty would remain.
How sweet it is to grasp that no matter what laugh lines, love handles, and blemishes make up you--you are loved. I know all too well how unattainable, air-brushed standards can weigh you down, torment your thoughts, tell you lies about your worth, beauty, and the chances of you being truly loved. I know how one remark about a "flaw" you already are aware of can break you, convince you that you are not beautiful, and frankly, don't have a chance. Those lies penetrate our hearts with fear and inadequacy and don't have to be true for them to be effective in our hearts and lives. They are vicious, subtle, and virtually omnipresent--but they're not all there is.
There is more. There is truth. There is the supernatural truth that crushes the superficial lies. You are the apple of God's eye (Psalm 17:8). You are knit together for a purpose (Psalm139:13). You are delighted in and sung over (Zephaniah 3:17). This standard is not based on what your looks are, where you've been or where you're going-its based on the opinion of the one who made you, calls you His own. He looks at your ransomed heart and loves it. He loved you when you were His enemy. Even if you, dear reader, never know Him, He loves you. He died for you, calls out to you to know His love, not to change, to work for an unattainable goal; but to accept His unconditional love. This day, know you are loved and let this truth seep into your soul--there could never be a more beautiful you.
I'm not talking about the superficial; looks, figure, hair, complexion, etc. aspects that were never meant to define you. Culture changes--looks fade, wrinkle, get scarred. But true beauty remains. How much freedom would be felt when you take off the mask of makeup, the facade you think you have to present, I don't know, but I do know that your beauty would remain.
How sweet it is to grasp that no matter what laugh lines, love handles, and blemishes make up you--you are loved. I know all too well how unattainable, air-brushed standards can weigh you down, torment your thoughts, tell you lies about your worth, beauty, and the chances of you being truly loved. I know how one remark about a "flaw" you already are aware of can break you, convince you that you are not beautiful, and frankly, don't have a chance. Those lies penetrate our hearts with fear and inadequacy and don't have to be true for them to be effective in our hearts and lives. They are vicious, subtle, and virtually omnipresent--but they're not all there is.
There is more. There is truth. There is the supernatural truth that crushes the superficial lies. You are the apple of God's eye (Psalm 17:8). You are knit together for a purpose (Psalm139:13). You are delighted in and sung over (Zephaniah 3:17). This standard is not based on what your looks are, where you've been or where you're going-its based on the opinion of the one who made you, calls you His own. He looks at your ransomed heart and loves it. He loved you when you were His enemy. Even if you, dear reader, never know Him, He loves you. He died for you, calls out to you to know His love, not to change, to work for an unattainable goal; but to accept His unconditional love. This day, know you are loved and let this truth seep into your soul--there could never be a more beautiful you.
Monday, February 20, 2012
All things for good
It has been a hectic middle of February....from art shows(one of the best saturdays this year thus far), to Sunday School, to the ever lovely Seattle rainy traffic. I have been strained, stressed, tired, and drained. I've also grown and been encouraged in So many ways. It's been amazing that in conjunction with the busy weeks and all the banes and blessings of community, there's also been a study flow of sermons, teaching, and excerpts from readings that have encouraged and reminded me that "God takes everything you've gone through, every season you and I are in, all the junk, and even God detests the junk, but God uses it and he uses it to fill his kingdom, to proclaim his fame, and put the joy of Christ in us. And you just need to know that today" (Pastor Darren Young).
I am so humbled that God works in my circumstances, through my mistakes and the mistakes of those around me. Community and relationships are messy, but the cross is sufficient. I am not totally, irrevocably, responsible and I am so thankful. I have grown a lot the last few weeks. I don't have to, nor can I, prove myself. I am thankful. As I head into the rest of the week (wahoo, midwinter break for the kiddos) my prayer is that I can live out Isaiah 30:15b "In returning (repentance) and rest you shall be saved; in quietness and trust shall be your strength" (ESV). I will mess up, I will need to repent--daily, but I have hope. I am hemmed in, before and behind.
Now for some random Monday musings. movies, inspirations, etc. that have impacted me recently:
Hope and God's Righteousness, Dan Braga Taproot Church
Thinking You're Naked- a moving article by Jon Acuff
And these two videos blew me away!
A Man's Promise
and this amazing video of a church living out the gospel -virtually impossible to watch without tearing up!
Have a blessed week!
I am so humbled that God works in my circumstances, through my mistakes and the mistakes of those around me. Community and relationships are messy, but the cross is sufficient. I am not totally, irrevocably, responsible and I am so thankful. I have grown a lot the last few weeks. I don't have to, nor can I, prove myself. I am thankful. As I head into the rest of the week (wahoo, midwinter break for the kiddos) my prayer is that I can live out Isaiah 30:15b "In returning (repentance) and rest you shall be saved; in quietness and trust shall be your strength" (ESV). I will mess up, I will need to repent--daily, but I have hope. I am hemmed in, before and behind.
Now for some random Monday musings. movies, inspirations, etc. that have impacted me recently:
Hope and God's Righteousness, Dan Braga Taproot Church
Thinking You're Naked- a moving article by Jon Acuff
And these two videos blew me away!
A Man's Promise
and this amazing video of a church living out the gospel -virtually impossible to watch without tearing up!
Have a blessed week!
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