Grace isn’t an expectation—September 16, 2012

“You hand me grace, and I think You’re handing me an expectation…and it weighs so much. I’m afraid to drop it, but the expectation to be perfect is heavier than I can carry”- Jon Acuff.

As I laid in bed, awake way too early this morning, thanks to my internal “be up before 7 to get to school” clock, I re-read a post by JonAcuff and was then led to the post in which the quote above can be found. I sleepily read until that quote leapt off the page. It is so true—such a fallen and finite perspective I tend to have. This “grace as an expectation” plagues my walk and is a constant temptation for my planning and accomplishing, list-making personality.

Especially now, as I attempt to mentally prepare myself to return home, I needed this reminder that grace isn’t an expectation. My time in Kenya has been a resounding proclamation of His grace. It has been a journey; full of lessons and eye-opening perspective changes. Unconsciously, I had been looking back over my three months here and had started to feel the weight of expectation.

Expectation to incorporate and be changed by this time, to share the lives of “my kids” in a powerful and life-changing way back home…in essence—expectation to prove that I would use the fulfillment of this life-long dream rightly.

I forgot that this time in Kenya was an example of His grace, not an exam that tested my ability to meet expectations and to prove I “pass the test of service”.

In the beginning of my time here I wrote that this would be a proverbial “40 years in the desert” for me, and now I see that in a new light. The desert time for the Israelites was characterized by many things, but one theme was the persistent faithfulness of God. He led them, fed them, saved them, and preserved them even in the face of their rebellion. Humbly, that encourages me. God will still be faithful even when I get home and have wrong attitudes, forget lessons here, and if I “move on” in ways I shouldn’t. You see, the next stage, all stages really, are examples of His grace because it’s all about His glory and story, not about me. It’s about making much of HIM, often using my mistakes, not in spite of them. I’m not saying I don’t have responsibilities with sharing this time in Kenya, but today I, and maybe you too, need the reminder that God is a God of grace. This grace is given freely and not conditional on my works. As I walked back from the market with a friend yesterday, we discussed how we hope that for each of us the time here gives direction. I still hope that, but I have confidence that God will lead my next steps with as much grace, patience, and wise counsel as each step that brought me to Kenya.