Speaking in the Light What You Hear Whispered in the Darkness

What I tell you in the dark, say in the light, and what you hear whispered, proclaim on the housetops- Matthew 10:27

I’m about to get real honest, okay, as in- heart on my sleeve, soul bared, no pretense. My heart is messy. It is deceitful and easily deceived. It is fearful, anxious, and, much like any facebook profile- only wants the good, the lovely, the things worthy of recognition and applause to make it to the light. But the truth is—its full of darkness, hidden hurts and buried beliefs. Ironically, it’s the hidden parts that drive my heart. The stuff I try to mask is what shapes my outer life whether I like it or not. The old wounds fester and are manifest in the things I get angry and anxious about today.  Shrek knew what he was talking about when he says that “ogres [and I would add humans] are like onions, [we] have layers”.

This past week, Thursday evening to be exact—some old lies and fears just couldn’t be buried anymore. My anxiety about my hearing loss, upcoming busy school year, and intense fear of parts of my heart on those and other issues finally bubbled to the surface. I couldn’t mask them anymore. In the midst of celebrating one of my favorite little boy’s birthdays I found myself feeling quite alone and anxious. This stuff needed to get talked out, ASAP.

A couple of hours later, as I settled into the couch cushions, my arms folded defensively, my dad asked with care and gentle insistence—what’s at the bottom of this? As tears trickled and then freely flowed, I found courage to speak what had been hidden for years, a decade—literally. Through my sobs the roots of so much anxiety, fear and ultimately—lies that had become personal truths, were exposed. It was in speaking what had been whispered to me and what I had then internalized, for so many years that the power of those lies was lost and I discovered that what I feared wasn’t a tenth of bad as I imagined it was. Speaking what was hidden didn’t cause the people who love me most to disown me, shame me, or surprise them so much that they didn’t know who I was anymore. Clarity and freedom from fear came with confession.

Today, several days later—I can’t help but think that I could have been freed from this so much earlier if I had been willing to share instead of hide my hurts. Burying fears only makes them worse, and the longer you hold it in the more you will want to burst.

But you see, that’s what the enemy wants. He was us to be fearful, tangled in roots that seem like truths but only thrive as long as they are hidden. Jesus intentionally tells us to speak what is in the darkness. Today, my heart is healing. It will take time to renew this sinful mind and hurt heart. But as I intentionally speak what so desperately wants to be hidden in darkness—I will continue to heal and walk in the light.