Today was a day of feeling “not enough”. I haven’t
prepared enough for grad school, I’m not skinny enough, tall enough, ____
enough so, obviously it makes sense
that I’m anxious and already (…two months before I even start!) want to throw
in the towel on school, am tempted to dress like a hobo, and will be single
for-eva. In comparison to the seemingly “on their way” and “living life to the
fullest” throngs around me—I felt so alone.
Maybe it’s because I’ve been convicted of keeping
people around as fillers—which confronts my fear of being alone, and realize
that I’ve allowed myself to be a filler for others. Maybe it’s due to the fact
that I spend too much time on social media instead of being social in real
life—furthering my unrealistic assumption that my life isn’t enough. At the
same time, parts of me shrink back from my culture’s obsession with individual
prosperity (which is soo ironic because it actually depends on everyone you
‘don’t need’ to applaud you for success to matter), as my thoughts swing back
to kibera—and think—I am so incredibly blessed by opportunity here—how dare I
‘take it. for granted’. More likely—the conviction and uneasiness is rooted in
my prideful desire to be applauded
Seriously, it comes down to the fact that I want to
be the ‘it’ girl—simultaneously emulating the fashionable “girl next door” Zooey
Deschanel, missionary mama Katie Davis, and the academic achievement and
mother-daughter relationship of Rory Gilmore, all the while making Martha
Stewart jealous. Deep down we all want the applause of others. We want to be
known for being exceptional, and our culture feeds that. Daily we give into the
lies that scream from magazines, commercials, and our friend’s profiles that taunt—“if you could only___ THEN you’d be ____”
or worse yet “you’ll never____”.
Let’s face it. I’ll never have the locks or closet
of Zooey, will most likely never adopt 13 kids like Katie, am too much of a
“controlled (Aka keep it all in the bedroom) clutter” to become the next Martha,
and Rory is fictional. Besides, I bet Zooey occasionally wears sweats and ties
a messy bun, Katie has lonely ‘I wish I was back in America’ days, and I’m sure
Martha has “that” room. It’s about time that I stop striving for the mirage of
“having it all” and start thanking God for what is actually in front of me and
what I possess. I have to be grateful for what I am, what I have, and where I
am. It is fruitless to attempt to live up to facebook profiles, celebrity
lifestyles, and the way others have been called.
Tonight, the truth is that I am “that woman”
because I have been chosen by God. He
chose me to be a “it girl” for my life, my unique part of his story—one that
involves being a part of the “boomerang generation”, being a face of progressive
hearing loss, and being wired to write instead of make wreaths. My worth isn’t
in what I do, having a full social calendar, or managing my possessions. It’s
rooted in something that’s not fleeting, or fictional. I am applauded because Jesus looked at me and
said, I’m dying for “that one”—I’m His ‘it girl”—the one he lived and died for,
loves, calls, equips, and sends daily to the world that so desperately needs
His freeing truth—not so I could be applauded by my culture, but so I could
demonstrate Christ’s love to it. The
hamster-wheel of comparison stops here. This is a call for change. For honest
humility. For truth to root in my heart and to free my soul from striving—to be
THIS woman.
Well said. I think it is so hard, we all try to be enough and find our salvation - our worth - in how we look, how thin we are, if the guy likes us, etc. But the fact is that it will never be enough. I will never be thin enough to be worthy, because God has already made me so. I will never have long enough eyelashes to be lovable (yes that is stupid, and yes I have felt that way) because God already calls me His daughter.
ReplyDeleteYou are not alone. This is something we all do. Your post is beautiful, and painfully true though.
Well written Elise. Dad
ReplyDelete