The perspiration of inspiration

The reaction to  my posts about my 30 by 30 goals have been surprising. I’ve been so encouraged by people who have reached out to tell me that my list inspired them—people from all different seasons of my life have taken the time to reply to my posts.
 And yet, that ugly voice of insecurity has reared its head this week, attempting to steal the joy of impacting others. While the comments were a celebration, my insecure heart saw them as an expectation—a weight to carry.   I felt the weight of the gift of impacting others, and suddenly I understood why the men in the parable buried the talent/money given to them—they let the expectation paralyze instead of propelling them to action. They saw it as a load to protect instead of a foundation to build on; forgetting that the talent given to them was a gift of grace.

So tonight I took a deeper look and realized that Inspiration has many meanings such as:

1.  the process of being mentally stimulated to do or feel something, especially to do something creative: "the history of fashion has provided designers with invaluable inspiration" with synonyms like : creativity · inventiveness · innovation · ingenuity · genius · imagination · and :originality · artistry · insight · vision · finesse · flair a person or thing that inspires:  synonyms: guiding light · example · model · muse · motivation ·

2. the drawing in of breath; inhalation.

The irony in all of this is that I wanted my list to inspire others, because life has meaning when we spend it with and for others-using our God-given gifts in the world around us.  Even in completing the list I didn’t do it alone—people shared their need for financial support, went on the underground tour, all over New York City, and ran a 5K with me. The encouragement from you has been grace—a God-given gift reminding me of his love for me by the love shown by others. I want my life to show others’ God’s love for them.

encouragement · influence · spur · stimulus · lift · boost · incentive · impulse · catalyst

§a sudden brilliant, creative, or timely idea:

"then I had an inspiration"

synonyms: bright idea · revelation · flash · brainwave · brainstorm ·

[more]eureka moment

For me personally, the 30 by 30 list was more of the second definition-a drawing in of breath and life into my heart, mind, and soul that had been so wounded and silenced by spiritual abuse. It was an opportunity for me to re-engage with life and the community around me. This list brought new joy and life—helping me to focus my time and energy on others, as well as regain spiritual, mental and emotional health. Looking back, I am so thankful for the goals that guided me the last six months. Before I wrote the list I prayed FOR inspiration—that each of the 30 would be intentional and life-giving for myself and others—a way for me to step out in faith again. Inspiration is contagious.

Reflections on my 29th year

Reflections on my 29^th year.
              Tonight as I baked and cleaned, checked off my to-do list, I began to reflect on my 29^th trip around the sun. Each birthday year, August to August I take time to pray and think of a theme phrase or words for the next year. Last years’ were “trust boldly”, which, to be honest, were the last two things I wanted to do. I had just lived through the hell of spiritual abuse, skeptical and timid were more like it.

But today, almost 365 days later, I can’t help but sigh with a sheepish smirk that those two words were exactly what this year of life was about. On my birthday last year I started my job at a new company which has been one of the greatest joys of this year. I didn’t even know how much the stress of barely having enough clients and hours as well as driving all over the city was affecting my quality of life until they were no longer a part of it. My current company has been a prime example of one that is proactive about taking care of employees and seeking to deal with problems instead of hiding them. I have grown much in my practice as I have learned from others around me, and I’m so grateful.

Another way I learned to trust boldly was by beginning to attend a new church. Every brunch and bible study I either sulked in like an emo teenager, or tried to quiet my racing heart. Everything in me told me to run, to shut them out before I could get hurt. But one genuine conversation at a time my heart began to hope, then trust that this place could be different. I’ve made new friends that embody weeping with those who weep and rejoicing with those who rejoice. I’m allowed to be where I am, because everyone else is responsible for themselves—we are alone together—responsible for our choices yet sharing our troubles. These new friends have enabled me to trust boldly.

Today, I trust boldly that I am where I’m supposed to be—my life is not in limbo because I’m single, it’s not less or “cute”—it is purposed and full. I can’t believe I ever felt that way.  In both my work and church I am equipped and trusted to use my knowledge and gifts for others. My career isn’t seen as a hindrance but a gift. I can trust BOLDLY that I have been called to this vocation and it is my joy.

Lastly, around mid-february, with 6 months left in my 20’s, I started a crazy list of 30 goals by 30—they were divided into categories-head & heart, hope, and health. Some were one time things like funding an adoption, buying a stranger’s meal at a restaurant; others took more planning and time-hiking, reading 10 new books, completing the whole 30. (check the facebook page 30by30 for more details). With days left, I’ve completed around 25 of the 30 but I’m content with my progress. I’ve been humbled by others who have helped me in the process—going on the underground tour, cousins spending the day with me in NYC, and so many others have encouraged me along the way. 30 by 30 has taught me to pace myself and enjoy the process. Because the goals weren’t about completing—they were about becoming. Becoming the woman that is intentional with eating and exercising, taking time to be with others and using my resources for them. It was about becoming who I want to BE in my 30s-mindful, balanced, and intentional with my time, talents, and present in the lives and community around me.

So, as I look ahead to the next decade, I want to have peace in the process. I am not responsible for the choices leaders and others make. I want to have peace in the in-between—tangible grace to be imperfect and humble, working to improve where I can and accepting my limitations. I want to have peace in the process of dating, working with my clients, equipping teachers to educate children with disabilities. I CAN have peace in the process as I trust God boldly-one thing at a time. Thirty and Thriving, indeed.