“Do Not let your hearts be troubled”

When I chose the phrase “in peace, on purpose” around this time last year for 2018, I had all sorts of ideas of how they would play out— but I also knew that I really had no idea what this year would bring

Well, sure enough, 12 months later, those words have characterized this trip around the sun—in ways I never could have expected, but in the very manner that I needed them to. For me, they had to go together- peace came as I lived on purpose, and living on and remembering my purpose brought peace. Peace came as I lived intentionally- most days that meant reaching out to friends, exercise, or cooking; and some days that meant getting myself to doctors appointments. To be honest, I think my brain is *just* starting to wrap my head around the reality that I had four non-cancerous tumors removed in August. Like really, that was a thing! From June 14^th to September 14th, I went to the doctor more times than I had in the last 15 years combined. It was a whirlwind. During that time, with painful symptoms, cramped calendar, and long to-do-before-surgery-lists, I journaled a lot about how this was an opportunity for me to let others into my life. I used to suffer from the classic “a helper who doesn’t know how/can’t ask for help”—but when you get in a car accident a week before surgery, it sort of jolts you out of that lie—I had to ask for help, many times this year. It was an invitation- not a weakness—it deepened my friendships to depend on others. Peace came when I purposefully asked for help, began to practice vulnerability, and let others into my pain.

But there was another side to this journey, anxiety. Initially, waves came as I was able to tie symptoms to the pound of tumor making its home in my abdomen—I’m a to-do person—and waiting for my surgery was excruciating at times—especially at night when I couldn’t sleep- I just wanted relief, I couldn’t wait for loeb to be gone. During this time I had appointments around my heart- making sure that my congenital issues were good to go—seeing and hearing my heart beat was a surreal experience. It was a new-to-me process because I was an infant and my “heart story” is one I’ve heard told, but it always felt like the past for me.  Literally five minutes before my surgery, the diligent anesthesiologist talked about some issues—ones that many people have and live fine with (like myself). I had barely heard the words before I was out for surgery. That news took a few weeks to catch up to me. I started having chest pains and anxiety—an overwhelming fear of my heart failing me—how can my “heart not be troubled” when my heart IS the trouble? 

It was in those moments that I gained empathy for people who have chronic anxiety. I am so thankful for my parents and friends who listened—sent encouragement and songs, showed up at the hospital, spoke truth and peace into my current chaos.

This year I deepened my understanding of purpose in my seasons. Loneliness reminded me of the gift of relationship, of the companionship of my savior, of the importance of wise vulnerability and being known. Work showed me some of my deepest flaws and insecurities- and helped me to admit them and grow from them. Surgery reminded me of the gift of health and life and that healing takes time—and that’s okay. Honest reflection in all of these areas led to healing from believing lies about myself, my worth, my relationships, and my purpose.

“let not your hearts be troubled”—how—when we remember that HE is our peace—he gives it to us (John 14:27). Living in peace and on purpose this year wasn’t about me mustering up peace, burying my head in the sand, denying the hard things. Peace came when I purposefully admitted that life was hard and fragile. My heart is not troubled when I remember Jesus is the one who gives peace, who IS peace to this broken world. He binds up our wounds, the prince of peace gives us purpose, this year and always. 

Other posts from this year's theme

this one    and here