2019 blog-card

While I’ve gotten fewer than normal Christmas cards this year, I think social media makes it less of a thing because we can so easily keep up with people. However, as a 32 years young single professional, who has lived through a milestone year- I thought I would give it an electronic go.

Each year, I pick theme words that I hope will encompass and guide the year. For 2019 my words were becoming free (more on that in my previous post). Basically, this year was a lot of peeling the layers back on my habits, my health, and where I find my identity and purpose.

 It was a year of mountains and valleys (quite literally- as I hiked most of the Snoqualmie Alpine lakes hiking trails over the summer with my dear friend Lis, with other friends joining us at times). I learned physical my limits and pushed past them- our longest hike was 11.4 miles in a day, and also learned to respect and love my body and emotions—listening to them as indicators of what I needed to grow and heal. Including continued chiropractic care-- I have officially regained 10 decibels of hearing! 

This year was also one of prioritizing my health—physically, spiritually, mentally, and emotionally.  As I look back I can see how switching up my workouts at the gym, reading new empowering books that have strengthened and stretched my faith,  making time for painting, writing and counseling- have all worked to help me heal and become free.

 

Other highlights of the year include going to several Taproot Theatre plays, meeting one of my favorite authors-Ruth Reichl, visiting family,  playing on my church’s rec. volleyball team, and taking a solo trip to New York City in October.

No life is lived in a vacuum, and I am so grateful for my friends and family. I could not have made it through this summer, and this year of healing and addressing trauma without the support and encouragement of so many. From listening to me process, walking with me-literally and figuratively, and simply spending time with me or sending an encouraging word—often right when I thought I couldn’t keep going—I’m eternally grateful.

One aspect of becoming free is acknowledging that I have been in the “helper” role most of my life—especially the last 12 years in my career in special education and as an applied behavior analyst. I am so grateful to be equipped to work with these families and their amazing children. But the old adage is true—you can’t pour from an empty cup. And my cup was nearly dry for a lot of this year. While I derive so much joy and meaning from my career—there are seasons for stepping back, resting, and refocusing—and mine has arrived. 

As I look to the new decade, my new theme words for 2020 are “Abundant rest”. I pray this next year is one of rest and hope for each of you. 

2019 round up-becoming free

Every December I pick a theme for the next year, or rather, it feels like the theme picks me. Through prayer, reading, and many other things, without fail a word or phrase bubbles up in the midst of the holidays, echoing in my heart that this is the way to come. When becoming free surfaced last December, I had no idea what the next 365 days would hold. I knew it was an invitation—but to what exactly?

Initially, I knew it would be about boundaries and choices- daily deciding that the little habits matter, that nothing is wasted, and that freedom is often fought for. It would be a process and a marathon, not a sprint.

Freedom isn’t a result, it’s a way of being. It’s a progression, a becoming. It is just as much about the freedom to DO something as it is the freedom to abstain. (here’s lookin at you, alcohol…). In a culture that cries for excess, indulgence, and MORE, freedom often whispers of contentment, enjoyment, and saying when you’ve had enough. It looks like intuitive eating and showing up at the gym. It looks like showing up for my therapy sessions, and relaxing watching a movie.  It looks like staying in more, and intentionally setting up time with life-giving friends. It tastes like a good cup of coffee, feels like a cozy blanket, and sounds like the sigh of a deep breath when you break the surface in after a dive.

And what a dive it was. Becoming free is not for the faint of heart. It is a struggle, like the butterfly ripping through the cocoon. The wings are strengthened in the struggle—what a perfect metaphor. While my next post will be the usual and comfortable highlight reel of this year, the one we're all fine and dandy scrolling through and liking. It would be a disservice to only post what is palatable. And I don't want to cover up what an intense battle this year was on almost every level (mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually). But of course, who stops to take a picture when you can’t see through tears, anxiety is pulsing and paralyzing, and you can’t fathom the next day—what hashtag is good for that?

Becoming free meant a fight to break free- from self-defeating patterns, old relationships, and the trappings of complex trauma. It meant facing my fears, naming them, and daring to think in new ways. It looked like asking for help instead of being the helper. It looked like setting boundaries- especially with myself.

My birthday year words (August to August) were “love bravely” and boy did I have to love bravely in the midst of becoming free. Many Christian circles will flinch and “tongue click” at the mention of self-compassion and self-love. But God called creation good, and we are made in His image, we are to honor and love creation—which includes ourselves.

 I am free to love God and love myself- God commands us to love our neighbors as ourselves. How can I love anyone else well if I can’t love myself well? If I don’t first practice “patience, kindness, gentleness, self-control, humility, keeping no record of wrongs, tempering my temper—by listening and being mindful of what is underlying the anger, rejoicing with truth, protecting, trusting, hoping and persevering”—with myself, how on earth can I expect to do that well in relationship?  Yes, God enables this as he works in and through me, but this is in no way a passive process.

As I look ahead, continuing the process of becoming free. I’m content to be in the middle- continuing to heal, grow, rest, and be restored. To be open to relationship, being known, and to know others. To be brave in love, to persevere, to become free.

The hope in healing

"Stretch out your hand"
"Pick up your mat and walk"
"What do you see?"
"Little Girl, arise"

In all of these situations where Jesus healed, the people had been rendered helpless. Seen as a lost cause. Shame and futility riddled their conditions and confined them.
In giving them actions within the healing-- Jesus was healing that helpless aspect of their condition. He was redeeming their volition, their ability to move, impact their environment, giving them healing to take action again in their lives.
He invited them to be a part of breaking their chains--even the self-imposed mental blocks and resignation that had imprisoned them for years; in some cases, their whole lives.
You know the ones I mean-- "I'll never...", "I can't...", "Things will never change", "I guess my life is just going to be like this".
Yes, sometimes there ARE real barriers and hurdles. But they are not an excuse to give up on life. They are the very means of your life--the how not the hindrance, to your overcoming. Your battle will be your impact on the world.
It may seem like you're the only one, but these stories remind us that all humanity struggles. We all have areas where we can't walk farther, get up, or see how things could change.
Jesus wants to heal you. It may not be in the timeline, place, or way you expect--but the biblical accounts were ordinary days that were changed by extraordinary encounters where Jesus healed holistically.
So take heart, wounded soul, the healer sees you, loves you, and calls you to action, to be a part of your healing story as he equips you, today.