Every December I pick a theme for the next year, or rather, it
feels like the theme picks me. Through prayer, reading, and many other things, without
fail a word or phrase bubbles up in the midst of the holidays, echoing in my
heart that this is the way to come. When becoming free surfaced last December,
I had no idea what the next 365 days would hold. I knew it was an invitation—but
to what exactly?
Initially, I knew it would be about boundaries and choices-
daily deciding that the little habits matter, that nothing is wasted, and that
freedom is often fought for. It would be a process and a marathon, not a
sprint.
Freedom isn’t a result, it’s a way of being. It’s a progression,
a becoming. It is just as much about the freedom to DO something as it is the
freedom to abstain. (here’s lookin at you, alcohol…). In a culture that cries
for excess, indulgence, and MORE, freedom often whispers of contentment,
enjoyment, and saying when you’ve had enough. It looks like intuitive eating
and showing up at the gym. It looks like showing up for my therapy sessions,
and relaxing watching a movie. It looks
like staying in more, and intentionally setting up time with life-giving
friends. It tastes like a good cup of coffee, feels like a cozy blanket, and
sounds like the sigh of a deep breath when you break the surface in after a
dive.
And what a dive it was. Becoming free is not for the faint of
heart. It is a struggle, like the butterfly ripping through the cocoon. The wings
are strengthened in the struggle—what a perfect metaphor. While my next post will be the usual and comfortable highlight reel of this year, the one we're all fine and dandy scrolling through and liking. It would be a disservice to only post what is palatable. And I don't want to cover up what an intense battle
this year was on almost every level (mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually).
But of course, who stops to take a picture when you can’t see through tears,
anxiety is pulsing and paralyzing, and you can’t fathom the next day—what hashtag
is good for that?
Becoming free meant a fight to break free- from self-defeating patterns,
old relationships, and the trappings of complex trauma. It meant facing my
fears, naming them, and daring to think in new ways. It looked like asking for
help instead of being the helper. It looked like setting boundaries- especially
with myself.
My birthday year words (August to August) were “love bravely”
and boy did I have to love bravely in the midst of becoming free. Many Christian
circles will flinch and “tongue click” at the mention of self-compassion and
self-love. But God called creation good, and we are made in His image, we are
to honor and love creation—which includes ourselves.
I am free to love God and
love myself- God commands us to love our neighbors as ourselves. How can I love
anyone else well if I can’t love myself well? If I don’t first practice “patience,
kindness, gentleness, self-control, humility, keeping no record of wrongs, tempering
my temper—by listening and being mindful of what is underlying the anger, rejoicing
with truth, protecting, trusting, hoping and persevering”—with myself, how on
earth can I expect to do that well in relationship? Yes, God enables this as he works in and
through me, but this is in no way a passive process.
As I look ahead, continuing the process of becoming free. I’m
content to be in the middle- continuing to heal, grow, rest, and be restored.
To be open to relationship, being known, and to know others. To be brave in
love, to persevere, to become free.
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