Beholding love- like every theme year, has looked different than I anticipated. It has actually been more about beholding the love from God, myself, and family and friends. It’s been about receiving help, not defining myself or my place by being the one giving it. As I reflect, I’m astounded by the generosity of my parents, family, and friends this year. I have been mostly unemployed- half the year. The first half by choice- taking time to write my book, do intensive early EMDR counseling for trauma, and continuing 2020’s theme of “abundant rest”. The latter part of this year due to mandates and a shift from special education and direct client-care to focusing on writing/project managment/content creation. It’s weird to be “starting over” career wise, but with experience and technical/content writing experience specific to Behavior Analysis and Special Education/curriculum. It’s been awhile since I’ve been a beginner, and the applying to jobs is draining. Thankfully I have a wonderful part time job writing content for social media through a friend I met years ago! I’m hopeful for what is to come.
I’d be dishonest if I didn’t admit I had hoped it would mean
romance too. Something I have longed for. Aside from a few dates, I’ve been
mostly single this year. But, I also believe that this year has been one of
healing and preparation. I’m grateful for the space to look at my relationship
patterns, my attachment style, and to heal from old wounds, remove old ways of
seeing and approaching intimacy. And hey, there’s still 2 weeks left, haha!
I was able to travel the later part of the year too; and was
such a gift and an opportunity to receive and to be cared for—to behold love in
tangible ways. In mid-October I was able to spend time with my grandpa, aunt,
and cousins in Iowa as well as to see my aunts and cousins in Minnesota. I was
able to relate to and connect with family in ways I think I had been more
closed off to in the past, and it was encouraging and life-giving.
Similarly, I travelled to Boise, Idaho the end of October;
and then Fort Worth, Texas the first week in December. In bot of those trips I
was refreshed and encouraged to be in new cities and surrounded by old friends.
Beholding love looked like accepting the generosity of paid-for meals, car
loans, and hospitality. I was revived by the laughter, encouraging chats, and
the change of scenery-and the hope for putting roots in one of those places soon!
Beholding love looked a lot like receiving this year. To have
open hands and an expectant heart that my past was not going to repeat itself.
To assume the best of myself and others. To believe that healing is possible,
to lean into the sore areas of my soul and story, and to turn the light on in
the shadows of trauma memories. Most recently, it looked like embracing that
safety and rest IS here. That beholding means I don’t have to always be alert or
figuring things out. Beholding love was exemplified last week when, after a
counseling session, I was able to really rest the next day. To have freedom from
the life-long pressure to “figure things out” and to just be. To let go of
trying to control or to figure out my next steps—most likely moving out of
state, focusing more on writing.
Beholding love looked like leaps of faith, trusting my gut,
going out on a limb with bravery and prayer. It looked like preaching to
myself-reminders of who God is, what He has promised, and trusting him to “hem
me in, before and behind”. It looked like bravely sharing of my heart- self-publishing
my first book, asking for help-financially and practically. I beheld love when
faced with decisions by looking at what I would regret the most—the wondering
if I didn’t take the risk or the possible outcomes. This was a big part of the
trips I took, making time to paint and draw with my non-dominant hand (I’ve
always been sort-of ambidextrous); and reaching out to people-like asking for
help, giving a copy of my book to: Joanna and Chip Gaines’ son, chatting with Harry Connick Jr. on Instagram, dying my hair pink, and applying
for jobs out of state and in new fields.
Beholding love has meant receiving-beholding what *IS*
already present around me-the love of God, my family and Friends, and the many
daily blessings. I guess you could say, I beheld love.
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