Some of my favorite photos from my favorite season

Redeeming Love

      At 2:45 AM on Wednesday I finished re-reading one of my favorite books, Redeeming Love, by Francine Rivers. It’s a “Christian classic” piece of fiction set during the gold rush in California based on the Biblical story of the Prophet Hosea and his wife who was a prostitute, Gomer. The first time I read the book I did so in 1 day, 8 hours, pulling myself away to tend to basic needs. It is an exceptional work that will break you, shape you, and change the way you look at redemption, the depth of God’s love for you and sovereignty in your life. Yes, it’s that good. I’ve decided that reading it needs to be one of those things I make a point of doing at least once a year, like watching It’s a Wonderful Life every Christmas. Below are some of the quotes that stood out to me. Trust me, it’s worth the read, just make sure you have a good chunk of time set aside to read it, you won’t want to put it down.

“...for some of us, one mile can be more to walk than thirty.”

“As gentle a man as he was, as tender as was his heart, there was nothing weak about Michael Hosea. He was the strongest-minded man Joseph had ever met. A Man like Noah. A Man like the Shepherd-king David. A man after God's own heart.”

“Lord, you said do your will and I’m trying hard. Does it have to hurt so much?...why did you give me this?

Because a thing seems difficult for you, do not think it impossible. –Marcus Aurelius

'You know, sometimes you can hurt yourself more by trying to keep yourself from being hurt'

“I don’t believe in some little, shriveled up old man in a long white beard sitting on a throne looking over me”. He chuckled. “Neither do I. I believe in something a lot bigger than that, and I’ll tell you something else,” His smile was gentle. “Just because you don’t believe in the Lord doesn’t mean His power isn’t working for you”.

He had lived Christ so that she could understand.

“What if God says no?” The possibility didn’t distress her. “Then he’s got something else in mind, something better than what you would think up for yourself”…”Angel, it’s not always easy to accept…”

“Jonathan closed his eyes. Oh, God, it’s not the way I had things planned. But then, what of real, lasting value ever is?”

“I have been insufferable, and self-righteous, and cruel. The revelation was bitter and painful, but a relief, too. There was an odd sort of freedom in standing before a mirror and seeing himself clearly. For the first time in his life”.

"Angel had understood a higher quality of love: sacrifice"

“Love the Lord your God, and love one another. Love one another as He loves. Love with strength and purpose and passion and no matter what comes against you. Don't weaken. Stand against the darkness, and love. That's the way back into Eden. That's the way back to life.”

Refining Patience October 16, 2011

           Today I am in Bellingham after a refreshing weekend of driving, hiking, and spending time with friends in my college down, a place that still feels like home. I am at my favorite coffee place, on Boulevard Park and reading through Habakkuk 2, one of my favorite Old Testament passages. He begins by relating that he “will take [his] watch post and station [himself] on the tower, and look out to see what [God] will say to [him], and what I will answer concerning my complaint”. I love his intentionality, waiting on the Lord, expecting His guidance and direction. How easily I forget to do this, instead wallowing in my disappointments and unfulfilled wishes, forgetting that I can “come boldly unto His throne of grace (Hebrews). Habakkuk is bold and honest. He trusts God and calls Him to his character in obedient patience and prayer.
            The second and third verses, ones that have repeatedly jumped out to me, were of equal impact today. The lord answers Habakkuk by telling him to “write the vision; make it plain on the tablets…” and today I was caught by the thought, when was the last time I did that? Boldly, wrote out to God my dreams, humbly telling my father what was on my heart? So I did that, and then continued to verse three—
            For still the vision awaits its appointed time; it hastens to the end—it will not lie. If it seems slow, wait for it; it will surely come; it will not delay.
            Wow. Yes, my dreams need refining, I need patience, and I doubt their fulfillment will look much like my ideas on paper today. But I don’t need to be ashamed of them, to write them, to share them with The One who made me. I need to have patience, the things I desire that are In his will are going to happen. He wills and works for His good pleasure, as I work out my salvation with fear and trembling, without grumbling or questioning, as a light to this world (Phil. 2:12-15). Today I needed the reminder that I can share my heart and dreams as offerings to Him, entrusting them to Him because my life is apart of His story. 
            The sermon today, on Nehemiah, was a great beginning to his reminder. Pastor Darren Young called us to remember to see what is in our hands—where we’re placed in life, our gifts, influence, where we’re broken. The follow up to those things will mean trusting God in the face of fear as we sacrifice for the vision because comfort is like quicksand and fear is a catalyst. I need to trust that His vision, and the glimpses on my heart today, are in His sovereign hands. He is working, the vision is hastening, as I looked at my list, I was amazed that at least half of it was on its way to being fulfilled in ways I can see today; and encouraged that the rest will come in His time, in His way whether fulfilled or replaced through refining, I cannot miss it. He is working, refining me in patience.
            I can take heart, the vision is hastening. Just like hiking this weekend, I may not be able to see the trail, to know when I’ll reach the destination, but yet I keep moving, trekking in the confusion, knowing that clarity will come as I trust and obey in what I can see.

Piper: look for the purpose, not the cause

Yesterday was one of those days of painful truths, prayer, and provision. In many cycles and orders. I went to bed exhausted, emotionally spent, and yet encouraged because the truth does set you free. After a rough night of partially restful sleep and a busy day ahead of me, I prayed for encouragement, something "tangible" from God's word, His promises to help me through this day of recovery, healing, and a hectic schedule. As I started my car, I decided to catch up on podcasts this morning. I listened to some clips before settling in on a sermon by John Piper called The Works of God and the Worship of Jesus, on John 9:1-39, when Jesus heals a man who was blind from birth, and while I just gave the link, thought I would share the excerpts (emphasis mine) that jumped out at me as the answer to my prayer, reminding me to look for the purpose in my pain, not simply the cause.

Last time, we focused on verses 1–5. Jesus sees a man who had been blind from birth. His disciples ask about the cause of the blindness. Jesus turns the question around and says, in effect, human causes are not decisive in explaining things. Divine purposes are decisive. Verse 3: “It was not that this man sinned, or his parents [human causes], but that the works of God might be displayed in him [God’s purpose].” The reason causes are not the ultimate explanation for things is that God is not ultimately a responder but ultimately a planner. In other words, when God ordains that something happen, God is not, at the bottom, responding to human causes. He is, at bottom, planning a purpose.

This hit me like a ton of bricks and caused me to do a 180 in the way I was thinking about the hard truths from yesterday, and still thinking about the encouraging news about my hearing last week. But Piper's insight continued....

The implication of this for your life is profound. No matter what mess you’re in or what pain you’re in, the causes of that mess and that pain are not decisive in explaining it. What is decisive in explaining it is God’s purpose. Yes, there are causes. Some of them your fault, perhaps, and some of them not. But those causes are not decisive in determining the meaning of your mess or your pain. What is absolutely decisive is God’s purpose. “It was not that this man sinned, or his parents, but that the works of God might be displayed in him” (verse 3).
And if you will confess your sins, and hold fast to Jesus as your Rock and your Redeemer and your Riches, God’s purpose for your mess and your pain will be a good purpose. It will be worth everything you must endure. We know this is true because God says so. Romans 8:28: “And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.”

The circumstances surrounding yesterday were ones that I did have fault in, I clung to things that I should have let go of months ago, and now I paid the price for it, but I also can look back and see God's purpose in it. I have grown in ways I never would have without the circumstances so my "cause" isn't the end of it, beating myself up does nothing but tie me down and discourage. I must move my focus to the purposes of the painful things in my life.

One last note, of exhortation and encouragement from the middle of this sermon:

Being loved by God, and being with God forever, is better than having eyes and better than being alive in this world. If we don’t believe that, then saying that God has wise and good purposes in all our losses, will not be much comfort. But if we do believe it, not only will God’s purposes comfort us and strengthen us, but they will make us able to patiently, and gently help others through their times of darkness.

I am so thankful for John Piper's ministry and insight. I encourage you check out his sermons at Desiringgod.org

A Spiritual Quest to Mordor, and Other Metaphors

           Do you ever have those seasons where it seems like you’re walking in circles? It can seem like everything is against you and you’re alone in a quest that is beyond difficult, not at all what you signed up for, or would ever choose, almost like it was thrust upon you. To top it off, the destination isn’t all that appealing in light of the trouble it takes to get there. Like Frodo we want to give up, being so self-centered that we forget our stories are so much bigger than ourselves, there is so much going on and our “little” lives play a big part. Like George Bailey, it can take a rude awakening to realize that “you really have a wonderful life, don’t you see what a mistake it would be to throw it all away”. In the depths of pain and suffering we lose focus on the big picture because of the pain of our snapshot. I’m all too guilty of falling into seasons where life can seem bleak. It seems like things keep piling up at the same rate close friends get busy and real quick it seems like we’re alone. Like Frodo, and George Bailey, we need perspective. Need to stop listening to the lies and the long lists of “cannot and why me’s” that echo in our heads. We need to look out and look up. Look out into the world and realize how blessed we are not just in spite of our troubles, but in the midst of them. We’re blessed that we’re chosen, called according to HIS purpose. The hard things in our lives are to make us Holy, to impact HIS Kingdom for His glory. We need to be confronted like Frodo, to realize “'You really don't suppose, do you, that all your adventures and escapes were managed by mere luck, just for your sole benefit?”. This has helped me immensely when I get caught up in all the unknowns, wishful thinking, and unfulfilled dreams/wishes that seem to point to our eminent failure and to make eternity a mirage. We need a dose of reality and a renewed mind.
            In a similar way, early Autumn is absolutely my favorite time of the year- I LOVE how all the trees burst with color, the crisp air, and Pumpkin Spice Lattes by a fire with a good book; but it also reminds me of one of my favorite quotes from a series by Jan Karon, that relates “One of the things that makes a dead leaf fall to the ground is the bud of the new leaf that pushes it off the limb”. I cannot help but think that all too soon the gorgeous displays of color will soon be gone, the trees will be bare, and days will be shorter and greyer. Personally, in the last month or so, I’ve felt this way spiritually, that the burst of color this summer was is just about through and that the bleakness and bareness of winter has set in. Only recently have I been called to remember that the bareness comes before fruit, new life is coming, buds of spiritual fruit are being cultivated in the coldness of winter. Our faith is tested because it is more precious than gold, it is refined in suffering. So even in the depths of a “spiritual winter” there is hope, there is purpose, there are good things happening. I worship not out of feelings but out of faith; out of faith that waiting will have rewards, eternal worth. Just like winter, this is a season, not forever, it is necessary but not ultimate. It is preparation and purposeful, not a waste of time.
            Basically, this Spiritual “desert” is a season, purposeful and timely. Like a trek to Mordor it is difficult but has far surpassing worth, the bigger picture is a huge encouragement to persevere. Additionally, the Autumns and winters of my walk with Jesus are no less purposeful than the times of bright colors and ripe fruit, they are necessary and “okay” as seasons. God is working in ways I cannot imagine for His glory and my ultimate good. Always. I can curl up with a good book, hot tea, and pumpkin scented candles in expectation for growth that is to come but is already beginning. 

Encouraging Hearing Update

        Tonight I sit here encouraged and humbled- by Jesus' faithfulness and provision; even when I am distant and at times defiant.  As I sip on apple cinnamon tea, with an eclectic "Autumn Almanac" playlist in the background, I'll try to explain where I'm at in my journey with hearing loss.
         Today I had a 6 month follow up appointment with a Seattle-based Neurotologist who my uncle's friend (also a in neurotology) referred me to back in March. Before going I was apprehensive- back in March he had told me some hard news in a not so caring manner- that my hearing loss was probably the result of a syndrome that also caused my heart deformities and my height…and added that “your kids have a good chance of getting it too so you’ll probably want to do genetic testing”…apparently assuming that I wouldn’t want my kids to have the same thing (obviously, I want my kids to be healthy) but even before he said that I knew that any disability wouldn’t change my desire to have kids. Nevertheless, it is a hard thing to come to grips with. Additionally, every round of hearing test is nerve-wracking, I don’t want it to be worse, and I’m forced to look my fear in the face—because all too often I wrongly put my hope in the fact that I’m “managing” and that it’s “not any worse…YET”. Just this past week I was convicted of my reliance on my own ability to manage and my tendency to put my security in the sustenance of my current hearing- something I really can’t do much about. Needless to say, I was apprehensive this morning. Even during the tests I tend to overanalyze my “performance”. But at least this time I was reminded that even if my hearing is worse I am not less. I am no less loved, valued, or needed; those thoughts are a huge testament to the power of the Gospel. 
            Back to the appointment—after the usual round of tests, and an awkward discussion about insurance coverage (something I also need to entrust instead of “borrowing trouble from tomorrow” about—I was waiting to see the neurotologist. I was ushered into the room, and waited, again…praying for peace, for courage, and for humility to not take an attitude with him because of the off-putting visit in March. Thanks be to God—he was much more encouraging and related that my hearing test was actually better than the last 3 tests!! It was back to where it was when I first discovered my loss, in late 2007/ early 2008! He then stated that often inherited loss happens in stair steps with plateaus, and I’m currently in a undefined plateau. While there’s no way of knowing the future, he also stated that with the lack of distortion I have, I may never need a cochlear implant, but if I do that is still an option!
            I was so encouraged, so humbled, so blessed. In recent weeks so many people around me have been dealing with life threatening (and ending) diseases, it really puts my hearing loss in perspective! In addition, I’ve been reading through “Spiritual Depression” by Martin Lloyd-Jones and it has been one of the most convicting and comforting books I’ve ever read. Basically, he discusses the causes of it in Christians and how reorienting flawed perspectives of the gospel aids to relieve it. Anyway, to anyone who has prayed, thank you. And I ask you to check out these blogs/articles and pray for the people who are facing life-threatening illnesses.

Baby Reese with Cancer
Katie Collier, a Senior at my old High School and a star athlete with leukemia
my cousin Donna with congestive heart failure 
Baby Brielle- a premature baby, for her lungs, eyes, and ears

Also, add names in the comments and I'd love to keep them in my prayers!