As I sat reading and writing at one of my favorite local coffee shops today I was convicted about attitudes I've developed and ways I've adapted to this "new world" of being hard of hearing.
I was convicted and reminded that my abilities will fade and my inabilities will always catch up to me. Pridefully boasting in my strengths and fumbling to cover up my weaknesses is exhausting and futile. I don't want to apologize for my hearing loss anymore. Yes, it's an inconvenience. Yes, it makes conversations awkward, but moreso the awkwardness a result of my pride, not my physical loss. It is pride that would rather bluff my way through conversations in noisy environments than be honest about what I'm missing. Pride fearfully screams at me that if I'm honest and ask for help people will see me as less, a burden rather than an asset. Pride finds my worth in my abilities instead of my identity as an image-bearer of Christ.
So today I offer you an apology.
Forgive me for being stubborn, prideful, and dishonest about my hearing loss. Forgive me for bluffing through dinner conversations, for not having the humility to ask for clarity when I mishear you ten times in a row. Forgive me for letting my fear of being an inconvenience hinder our connection and for not trusting your friendship. Forgive me for not asking for the help I need (captions, conversation catch up or summary) out of fearing you wont want to help.
Additionally, I'm asking you to help me. In love, please come alongside me in this noisy, holiday season. Please call me out on my bluffing by asking if I understood when I look confused and reminding me that my hearing loss doesn't make me less. Please let me in on your struggles. I promise to do my best to listen, to be honest, to trust Jesus in my loss and entrust to Him you, the people he's placed around me. There are and will be times when we are both frustrated, hurting, in need of a dose of humility and grace.
To my hearing (and reading) friends, thank you for listening.
Elise
Elise, being away from you makes me appreciate you more and more. Rooming with you was difficult and frustrating at times, as it is rooming with anyone in a small space, but rooming with you was also so much fun and so uplifting. Even in your weaknesses you point to Jesus. Love you girly!!!
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