Hope is Vulnerable July 17, 2012

What a difference a week makes. Last Tuesday I was up country, as they say here, cold, in the middle of a huge culture shock, and unsure of what the rest of my time in Kenya would look like. Today, I am back in Nairobi, encouraged and hopeful for what the next 5ish weeks will bring after a wonderful weekend safari and clear direction. Even though last week was one of the toughest of my life, I am so grateful for it. I know it taught me things about myself that I never would have learned, or may have taken a lot longer to learn. I can say with renewed faith and vigor that while a man plans his way in his heart, it is God who directs His steps.

Monday, before the decision was final that our placement was changing, I had a conversation with God that was a proverbial “wrestling match”, like Jacob had. I had a sense of fear about the possibility of returning to the difficult situation, but it was more of a vague foreboding than specific spots of fear. As I related this to God, he revealed the heart issue: vulnerability. I realized that what made the last week so challenging was that I was vulnerable in ways I never had been before…being a minority, not knowing the language, culture, being cold for a long period, and being disconnected from our “social networks”. Not to mention the constant vulnerability that my hearing loss brings. In his steady, encouraging and convicting voice, He touched that place in my heart that is terrified to be vulnerable. He admonished my fear and comforted me with his love—his perfect love that casts out the fear of vulnerability because it reminds me of his sufficiency, patience, and sovereignty. He is the great physician and he hurts to heal, like Lewis relates. It hurt to realize that I still harbor fear about vulnerability; in being here, in the possibility of losing my hearing, in relationships. But it was also refreshing because I know that working through this is part of my journey here. A direct example of this was how God provided what I needed when I was vulnerable; the friendship and conversations with Jennie, the call to my parents, the warm cup of coffee, and the friendship of one of the teachers there.  I know that this journey is not finished…I am sure that this will continue to be confronted in my time in Nairobi and beyond. But I know he is faithful and this is painful but purposeful.

Today, as I sat in the tree house, my new favorite quiet time spot, I looked around and watched all the beautiful birds as they fluttered from branch to branch, and was reminded of the truth that God provides for and takes care of the sparrows, and how much more will he do so for me. Furthermore, I was convicted that I need to have hope and trust Jesus in all things; knowing that last week will be a reminder of his provision in uncertainty and in vulnerability. Hope is vulnerable. Hope puts your dreams, desires, and plans out there in the hands of God and entrusts that He is faithful. I want to hope in all areas of life as I trust Him—his timing, his plans, his daily provision within the place I am and the people around me, where I am today and the people I am interacting with are no accident- they are divinely appointed.  My prayer is for humility and joy in vulnerability—trusting the Savior who provides.