Unpacking My memories—June 19th

                One year ago today I was packing with anticipation, joy, and unbelief that at the end the week I was going to be on my way to stepping onto Kenyan soil. The day is a blur, but I do remember floating through one last day of work, rechecking my packing a million times…and once I was ready (hours before I needed to be) I walked to one of my churches small groups just to be with people. I remember the anxious excitement and fear, of hugging my “second parents” as I stepped into the security line. My mind flew as I waited for my plane, and I hurriedly wrote a post about dreams and the journey. The traveling to charlotte is a blur, but I can vividly feel the sticky summer day, the joy of meeting instant friends that were just as much of a jumble of emotions as I was. The hospitality of the SIM staff, the preparation, the reality checks on powerpoints by people who had been there that don’t, and can’t, hit you until you actually experience them.  The blind date at Chipolte and Barnes and Noble—the stealth asking of my cousin of how the afternoon went while I was able to get a glimpse of my family’s celebration of my Grandparent’s 60^th anniversary. The tears that came at the most unexpected times—waiting to board my plane, the confusing Amsterdam airport, a majority of the flight from Amsterdam to Nairobi—and the flood of tears upon arriving where I would call the next three months home. I remember the joy of sitting at the Nairobi airport waiting for a fellow short-termer, exhausted but exhilarated that I was finally in Kenya.

                I cannot stop the flood of memories, of emotions—and I don’t want to. Sure, I may be a little crazy today—but I have to remember. Re-living is a way of healing, of honoring, and in some ways moving on to the new dreams that stemmed from this important season in my life. Today I want to live out one of the lessons from my time in Kenya—I don’t have to live a rushed life. I want to let myself feel, reminiscing on where I’ve been, the people I am privileged to have met and gotten to know the past year, the real pain that bubbles up at the unexpected moments,  grief for who I’ve lost within the last 365 days. I will embrace where I am at because while time heals all wounds, no one dictates how much is needed—there’s no deadline or real end for how life-changing experiences and losses affect you.  Today I will let my mind and heart unpack, sort, re-arrange and re-organize.