The Fear of failure August 15, 2014

This is the first of three posts written yesterday, I will be publishing them throughout next week.

 

                “I've done my best, and I begin to understand what is meant by 'the joy of strife'. Next to trying and winning, the best thing is trying and failing.” ― L.M. Montgomery, Anne of Green Gables

I don’t want to live my life in the fear of failure. I don’t want to make excuses for not trying hard things simply because they’re difficult. Yes, I have hearing loss, yes, I am short, but we all have things that we think hold us back or define us. Last night, I watched a lady four inches shorter than me lose over half her body weight. She literally completed a marathon and her trainer seemed more impressed by her than he had by any other contestant. Countless times he remarked that she never let her height be her excuse.  It’s inspiring to not play victim to your past or your physicality.

                Growing up, I think I lived in a lot of fear of failure. I didn’t want to let my parents down, or give the girls who teased me any kindling for their fiery words. I didn’t want to rely on anyone or to see their disappointment. It was exhausting. Now, as an adult, I’ve been learning to let go of things that I let define me in my past—my height, my parent’s opinions, my status.  I once had an individual tell me that because of my hearing loss, “teaching would be something that would be hard for someone like you to succeed in”. My response “if I never did anything because it was hard, I would never DO anything. I don’t want to live life that way—bitter and holed up in a room because it’s easy”. But life is not easy. There are always going to be things on our to-do list, things that upset and overwhelm; things that hinder and hurt. As I approach my birthday, I can’t help but thing of all the changes this year brought—graduate school was difficult—it hurt to have 12 hour days, busy weekends, and an empty social calendar, but, I grew. One of my good friends once wrote that a seed has to die and be planted in order to grow, and each day that process is happening in a myriad of ways in our lives.

                I started this post almost a week ago, and already, so much has changed. I had an interview and accepted a job that I applied for last Friday—one that has benefits, room to grow, and more importantly, a chance to be mentored and hone my knowledge and skills. One week ago I didn’t know if I would have health insurance, or what the fall would look like. This past week, I met and was re-acquainted with friends, I was encouraged by my church family—not only the one I attend, but by friends from other parts of the city. I’ve been realizing that I feared failure because I put too much pressure on myself to live up to expectations that only I voice and only I see the need to obtain. I’ve wanted perfection where I can only do my best—starting out in my career, relationships, fitness. I can’t be perfect—I WILL fail. I will say stupid things, make mistakes in my work, and eat my weight in chips and salsa.

                I want to say that I would be this encouraged even if all the questions from last week were still unanswered—some of them are, but by God’s grace, others have been answered. But the truth is, I don’t know. I don’t know if I would—but I know why. I have failed to place my hope solely in Jesus—I am a perfect failure when it comes to faithfulness—but Jesus was perfect in my place. I don’t have to get the job, the insurance, the relationship in order to have security, hope, or love. The truth is, every time I seek those in anything but Jesus, i am putting my faith in things that will fail. But, I know the One who will not fail, and through faith in him, I don’t have to fear failure.