Writing in the trenches August 10, 2011

            I haven’t written for the last week. Is it because I haven’t had any “profound” insights, or because I haven’t taken the time? For me, writing is a joy—but it is also a discipline, a gift to be cultivated. I have to be intentional and writing for the right reasons—not to feed my ego but to please my Savior. I should write to obey with this gift and passion he’s entrusted to me.

            Some days you write in the trenches, it’s a battle, not a word comes without opposition, without a fight. But the key is to press on, keep going, fight for the words, writing by faith, not when I can see where the essay is going, but trusting Him who guides my pen, my thoughts. Similarly, when you stop fighting in the trenches, forget what’s important; why you’re there, you lose so much more than you bargain for. It’s easy to slip into despair.

            The key is to keep fighting—keep writing. On the days I have “nothing to say”—who knows, the inspiration and insight may come a the most unexpected times—like when I’m washing my face (this morning, for instance). But most often, it comes when I take the time; giving my mind and heart the “exercise” they need. I think everyone has their “something”—that they are gifted in but need to grow in and work for.

            Just like in war—I’m not alone. I have many soldiers around me and a commander whose knowledge, wisdom, and insight surpass everyone! I can write with confidence because of Christ. It is He who equips and encourages, inspires and prepares. He sees where this is going; its my duty to follow, obey, press on, with humility. Humility is key to being effective. I cannot write to please others, to get a pat on the back fluffed up. I have to write out of love for and trust in my Savior, who sends, inspires, and uses me as He wills, for His glory. Just like the cool water refreshed and woke me up this morning—this humbling insight into my ideas about my writing (prideful, own agenda) will be used to cleanse and change me.

            My goal from now on is to write in the trenches; the busy, monotonous, and difficult days are just as purposeful as those days where I feel I have something to say.

From the Archive: OLD piece of writing from 8th or 9th grade

This is a “book” I started writing around 8th or 9th grade, and I’ve left it in its entirety (grammar errors and all)… this page is as far as I got. Ironically enough, the last lines are exactly what I needed to hear today…

            All teenage girls look and notice guys. It’s a no brainer. Everywhere we go we are bombarded with the world’s view of what a guy should be. They say if they’re not cute or cool then Hey, they’re not worth it. But I pose the question, what exactly is “cool”. As a Christian cool should be defined as someone who has a strong relationship with God, and at all costs, will stand up for they’re faith. Our standard for guys should be higher then the world’s. But what qualities should we look for in a guy who potentially may become a boyfriend, and even a husband? I believe God is telling us, as Christian girls to search for boys who are “Hot at Heart”

Chapter 1

Worlds View vs. The Christians

            The world today is not at the morality level it was at even ten years ago. TV is more profane then ever the shows subject us to more sex and violence then we should see. Hey, I admit the “cool” shows like “Friends” and “Will and Grace” may be tempting to watch since “everyone is doing it” but it is not worth it. The world tells us that all the matters is our appearance. But that is just not true. The Bible tells us that Jesus probably wasn’t the hottest guy out there, but hey! He was the Son of God! The world tells us that if we are not a size 0 or don’t wear clothes that are tighter then tight, then there is something wrong or we don’t measure up. Girls, we don’t realize how much the way we dress affects the guys around us. They are wired totally different and as fellow sisters in Christ we need to respect that weakness and try to dress in a way that is fashionable but glorifies God. Our definition of “cool” should be different then the world’s

            A cool Christian guy should have many traits. They should stand up for their faith in God, even when that may not be the cool thing to do. Look for this, it is a great sign as to where a guy is spiritually. A Christian boy should really respect girls for who we are and be a gentle man. Even simple things such as opening the door for us is a great indicator as to what they may be like. Look to see how they act around their guy friends as well. Are they the ones making the sick jokes, the ones laughing at it, or the he one who is trying to direct the conversation in a more appropriate direction. I know that in middle school and high school we are just trying to figure out who we are but even then, look for the guys who are more mature in spirit and are serious about their faith. The Bible says a Godly man will pay attention to what God says and will listen closely to his words (Prov. 4:20 NIV). Try to find the guys who are like this, if you can’t see it coming through, pray for the guys and wait, maturity will come. 

Cultivating Character August 3, 2011

            In the past week I’ve been reading through the first half of the book of Daniel. One of the biggest things that has stood out to me has been that Daniel had cultivated character. He didn’t wake up his first day in Babylon as an exile with all the wisdom that later on saved his life and others. Rather, he was brought to Babylon BECAUSE of his already distinguished wisdom—it was cultivated long before the instrumental challenges in Babylon. Additionally, Daniel had friend to lean on, who were like him in wisdom and faith—they too demonstrated their character in the face of the fiery furnace. While reading, I was stuck in a new way with the importance of character for the future starting today. Those future desires to be a godly wife and mother of character won’t appear on my wedding day or when my first child is born—they start now. Habits become character, and shouldn’t be taken lightly.

            The struggles I face today—internally with temptation and interpersonally, are purposeful opportunities to hone my character as the Holy Spirit works in me.  In addition, over the last few days I’ve listened to some sermon excerpts by Francis Chan (who I met on an airplane last year, haha) and have been convicted and called out—to realize this temporal life has external ramifications. Oddly, I'm encouraged that God’s not as concerned about the attainment of my goals for the future as he is with how I obey in the next ten minutes—which will undoubtedly impact my future.

            My prayer is that I don’t forget the importance of cultivating character through sanctification. It is Christ who works in me. Just like the tree doesn’t’ will and force itself to bear fruit, I cannot make myself bear spiritual fruit—in dying to myself, I allow HIS life to root me, water me, cause my character to grow for this day and the future.

Grumbling Through Growing August 12, 2011

I've written several pieces in between the last post and this...but I have a nudge to post this first...so, here goes.

Remember how bad growing pains used to hurt as a kid? The ache, feeling like you were being tortured, stretched like Laffy Taffy? It seemed so pointless, why couldn’t you wake up grown up? Like Tom Hanks in Big or Jennifer Garner in 13 Going on 30? You know, skip the awkward, angsty part and just wake up an adult with a family, career, “everything” planned out?

             Well, in the last year, since graduating college, I’ve found myself in the same place—growing pains. It seems like every stage of life since birth has had a logical and inevitable following stage: diapers, preschool, elementary school, high school, college…and now? What? It’s an odd and painful place to be when there’s no “set stage” in front of you. Personally, I find myself in a season of unknown—thankful for options I have but not a set way to go. Sure, I could jump into a career, but I also kinda want to “just be a mom”. Since graduating, I’ve been in a “driven women” environment—education. I love my job, working with kids, but find it hard to shrug the “career cattle” mentality of “moove (sorry…couldn’t resist the pun) on up, keep going. SUCCEED!” when deep down, I don’t know if that’s where I want to be pulled into right now-I need time. Similarly, the other big push, culturally, at least, is to “settle down”, or at least “hook up, date”. While I definitely want to be married, the reality is, today that is not right in front of me, and I tend to be traditional and want to be pursued. (I could go on an anthropological tangent about how its only been in the last 50 years or so (thanks, Woodstock, Betty Friedan, etc.) that marriage hasn’t been the expected “next step” and how this “extended adolescence” of Western Culture provides the framework for many “20-somethings” like myself to experience this second “awkward stage”…but I’ll refrain, for that’s another essay entirely.

            So where does this leave me? Sadly, I often am grumbling in these growing pains, doubting, frustrated; impatient to know where the next year(s) are going. It feels as though I’m with Israel, wandering in the desert, wondering where exactly I’m headed, and how I’ll even know when I get there—obviously forgetting the purpose of the journey. Just like Jennifer and Tom had to learn in their movies—getting to the destination “adulthood” without the journey, the struggle, isn’t what you bargain for—you miss so many lessons, opportunities to trust and grow. Can you imagine waking up two feet taller-its as awkward as a new born calf—even a few inches leaves you gawky and stumbling—remember middle school? All that to say; there IS great purpose in the fact that growing is a process. Someday these “in between” years will be hindsight (something you can’t gain without experience).

            Each day has purpose. I have a chance to grow, to start to become the wife and mom I want to be someday—to mirror my Savior as He refines me. On top of all of this, I’ve been convicted that I’m not content---so easily forgetting that if I’m not content with what I have today—I wont be when the things I dream about play out. Contentment is a choice—and it has to be rooted in the One who doesn’t change. I have to remember that while these growing pains ache and are awkward, ultimately they lead to joy and maturity. This life is so short. I don’t want to waste it waiting for the future. I want to live it daily-trusting, delighting in the direction I CAN see, giving thanks that I’m growing, not grumbling that I’m not “grown”.

From the Archive: Musings on a Life of Mishearing

            One of my favorite novelists described losing a sense as "being in a room, alone, with the door slowly shutting, closing you off from everything physical", or at least, the relationship with the world you had before.

            Personally, this "door of deafness" has been doing so for me for three years. That is the perfect analogy- alone, caught up in the two seemingly competing realities- the "real world" and your own reality that is ever-changing, frustrating, and an obstinate foe to your attempts to maintain your relationship with the world - others who are able-bodied and hearing. It is akin to Groundhog day, I'm Bill Murray, constantly waking up to a day with the same reality- bluffing conversations, getting embarrassed by mishearing, and in a constant simmer of anxiety that I'm going to mess up something really important because of something I can't control or change- my hearing loss. So, not only am I seemingly alone in this room, but I'm also at a loss for how to navigate its ever-changing landscape- like trying to find your way to the bathroom when you're a guest and can't find the light switch. It's a scary place to be.

            But I'm not without hope. See, the key to being in that dark room is finding the light switch, even a flashlight, anything to shed light and give you your bearings, or, like Groundhog day, realizing lessons you needed and seeing your monotonous life in a new light. This is not an easy thing- it takes the monotony, the groping for the light, to get there. I'll admit, some days it's so tempting to just sit in the darkness, to want to give up the fight to be in both worlds, to keep my foot in the door. I've never been much of a recluse, preferring to be surrounded by others engaging in meaningful conversations. But the last few months I've struggled to be intentional-why is that? I think its because I've been trying to fight on my own strength. I've let the encroaching darkness paralyze and speak lies about my future. Forgetting the hope of the flashlight, the light switch. 

            But today I have a renewed fight- not on my own power, but by a Savior who is "in the room with me" as the author explained in the novel-- "The lesson is in the fight, remembering that the Savior who created you and has a hand in your circumstances, (especially being in the room) is there with you. It is so humbling to realize I need this room, this struggle- it is my thorn in my side, my wrestling with God-- Like Paul and Jacob, it is imperative and inspiring- a fetter for I am so prone to wander. So, whatever causes you to be in the room alone- thank God for it. There is great purpose in it. Let Him be the flashlight- knowing that this trouble is achieving an eternal purpose that far out weighs the current struggle.

Delight in Darkness July 30, 2011

            In times of darkness, whatever the circumstance, thankfulness is often the last thing on our minds. We focus on what is lost instead of love. We get caught up in fear of what further loss the future may hold instead of realizing there is mercy in each moment—gifts in each day. There can be delight in darkness.

            But how? How can there be hope in the depths of despair? In a crumbled future riddled with more uncertainty than security? I believe the answer is a divinely aided heavenly perspective.  We must remember that Heaven is a person, not a primarily a place. The place will be heaven because HE will be there, unclouded, unveiled. I also think the first step of this is thankfulness. In numerous places in the Bible God calls us to “give thanks in all circumstances for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus” (1. Thes. 5:18).  There can be delight in darkness as we trust that He has allowed it for our good and His glory, like Job, we have a hope. Additionally, God KNOWS this darkness, inside and out, its not a mystery to him (Daniel 2:20) and in that there is great hope. Darkness is a time of wrestling, we grow as we worship by faith, not by sight. When we pray honestly and humbly like the character, father Tim, that “Father, I don’t know why you’re causing or allowing this hard thing to happen, but I’m going to give thanks in it because you ask me to. I’m going to trust You to have a purpose for it that I can’t know and may never know. Bottom line, you’re God—and that’s good enough for me”.

            Will the dark circumstance change immediately when you pray in thankfulness? Maybe, but that cannot be our motive—as if we can manipulate God. Will we be able to delight in the midst of darkness when we thank and Trust him? Absolutely. Not because we deny that it hurts, rather, because we are able to see that there is something more important than our pain- there is purpose in it. Our perspective shift will sharpen our focus on our Sovereign Savior.

“Sovereign Over Us” July 29, 2011

           It is days like today where I am thankful God is sovereign—completely in control, over me and my circumstances, and that I, a fallible human, cannot irrevocably screw up His plans. Oh, I make mistakes; say too much, say too little, think too much, or think too little; act on impulse, or don’t act at all out of doubt or fear—countless failings. All in the hands of an infinitely good and sovereign Lord.

            When I get caught up in the results of my words and actions, or worrying about those I’m in relationship with, I miss how my Savior is ultimately in control. Not that I am passive in my life, He calls me to  “work out my salvation with fear and trembling” (Philippians 2:12).  I have responsibilities I cannot shirk, but I’m not THE person ultimately responsible for how my many circumstances turn out.  That would be impossible because I cannot control the words and actions of those around me—whether they say too little and I say too much, or visa versa is ultimately in God’s sovereign hands.  Ultimate responsibility is God’s over all things.

            As I sit her chagrined at the things I’ve spent too much time analyzing this week, which led to less time doing what I can, and wasting time instead of being intentional, I am thankful for the reminder that God is sovereign over me. My mistakes don’t separate me from my Savior’s sovereignty—rather they are instrumental pieces in His plan—and that’s an immense comfort. He will use the many failings in my day to teach me, change me, make me more like Him. There is safety and sanctification in His sovereignty and saving grace.

From the Archive: So Much Like Israel October 24, 2010

 

            I have found that I relate to God's chosen, stubborn, and whiny children more than I care to admit. Just like them, God does big things in my life and two steps later I'm back to fear, doubt, and even anger because I only see the Desert. My feet hurt from walking, it's hot, and there doesn't seem to be any hope for miles. How I so easily forget his love, guidance, and provision that constantly sustain me.

            Similarly, I was reading in Jeremiah 42 and 43 this week. In those chapters the Israelites plead with Jeremiah to seek God's will and protection "promising" they'll obey him this time-no matter what. For ten days he waits for the word from the Lord. When he returns he and tells them to stay put as the remenant, grow, flourish, instead of what they wanted to see for deliverance- the okay to flee to Egypt, they turn away, again, and ignore God's clear direction. Basically saying, "Yeah...God of the universe who chooses to beat our hearts, split the red sea, and lead us with fire and clouds...nope. no thanks. we have a better idea". They go their own way- to Egypt- and not only experience great suffering, but also bring it on the Egyptians too. Personally, this story hits home in too many ways. In my journey with hearing loss I've definitely asked for healing- I've wanted this to go away. Like Jeremiah it feels like I've waited a long time to hear from Him- only to get the message I don't want. "Stay put in your loss, grow, flourish, trust". And, all too much like Israel, my hardened response is to balk at God and say "hmm...no thanks" and get frustrated and mad, which only compounds on the daily, hourly, struggle to hear people around me and live life. Also, like Israel, this disobedience and my hearing loss, is so much bigger than me- it affects so many others. By not trusting God, and giving into fear and irritability- I hinder those around me. I'm not stewarding my life and loss well. I forget and "miss" all the ways God IS showing up- like the Desiring God National Conference- the sermons, people I met, and prayers; as well as a job I love dropped into my lap and a wonderful church home.

            All this to say- I don't want to choose to let my increasing deafness quiet the ears of my heart. I want to live hearing Jesus better than I ever have- and that comes through obeying, surrendering, and trusting. If he wants me to "stay put" in my increasing hearing loss, then there's great purpose and hope in it- I don't want to miss it.

Why Do I Write? July 28, 2011

I write because I cannot be silent. I cannot quench the rising words of worship and wisdom rooted in and provided by my savior.

            I write to worship—to use what He’s given me, entrusted to me, for HIS glory.

            I write to explain—how good God is and how much I need Him.

            I write to heal—that my words may be tools in the hands of THE Healer.

            I write to proclaim—His character, promises, provision—in a world that is fallen and failing.

            I write for hope—to tell of the hope of heaven, the hope only the Holy Spirit can provide.

            I write to understand—how my savior works in and through suffering.

            I write for clarity—in a mixed up world that attributes everything good to anything but God.

            I write for peace—not as a peacemaker, but to point to the Prince of Peace.

            I write for love—not to be loved—but because I already am loved to my core by the one who IS love.

            I write for freedom—not to become free—but to convey the ways in which Christ has set me free.

            I write for comfort—in hopes that by sharing the ways I have been comforted may be a means of Him bringing comfort to others.

            I write for joy—because His words and promises have given me joy.

            I write because I am called—claimed.

            I write in patience—knowing I have much to learn.

            I write to obey—not out of legalism but out of love for His laws and truths.

            I write to help—because I’ve been helped.

            I write to teach—because the insight and knowledge he’s revealed to me is not to be hoarded but proclaimed.

            I write for grace—because I have been given much grace by my Savior.

            I write without reservation, without fear—for He has and is equipping me for every good work.

I write for Him.