I have found that I relate to God's chosen, stubborn, and whiny children more than I care to admit. Just like them, God does big things in my life and two steps later I'm back to fear, doubt, and even anger because I only see the Desert. My feet hurt from walking, it's hot, and there doesn't seem to be any hope for miles. How I so easily forget his love, guidance, and provision that constantly sustain me.
Similarly, I was reading in Jeremiah 42 and 43 this week. In those chapters the Israelites plead with Jeremiah to seek God's will and protection "promising" they'll obey him this time-no matter what. For ten days he waits for the word from the Lord. When he returns he and tells them to stay put as the remenant, grow, flourish, instead of what they wanted to see for deliverance- the okay to flee to Egypt, they turn away, again, and ignore God's clear direction. Basically saying, "Yeah...God of the universe who chooses to beat our hearts, split the red sea, and lead us with fire and clouds...nope. no thanks. we have a better idea". They go their own way- to Egypt- and not only experience great suffering, but also bring it on the Egyptians too. Personally, this story hits home in too many ways. In my journey with hearing loss I've definitely asked for healing- I've wanted this to go away. Like Jeremiah it feels like I've waited a long time to hear from Him- only to get the message I don't want. "Stay put in your loss, grow, flourish, trust". And, all too much like Israel, my hardened response is to balk at God and say "hmm...no thanks" and get frustrated and mad, which only compounds on the daily, hourly, struggle to hear people around me and live life. Also, like Israel, this disobedience and my hearing loss, is so much bigger than me- it affects so many others. By not trusting God, and giving into fear and irritability- I hinder those around me. I'm not stewarding my life and loss well. I forget and "miss" all the ways God IS showing up- like the Desiring God National Conference- the sermons, people I met, and prayers; as well as a job I love dropped into my lap and a wonderful church home.
All this to say- I don't want to choose to let my increasing deafness quiet the ears of my heart. I want to live hearing Jesus better than I ever have- and that comes through obeying, surrendering, and trusting. If he wants me to "stay put" in my increasing hearing loss, then there's great purpose and hope in it- I don't want to miss it.
Isn't it jaw-dropping how with so many blessings around us, living in the some of the wealthiest places in the world, we still find so many things to complain about or fear about or worry about? Sure, not everything, especially hearing loss, is pleasant, but He's in control of it all...and He will not hurt us without having our best in mind. I'm in the same boat as you Elise - I find so much to complain or worry about and allow these things to overshadow all the great He has and is doing.
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