Lessons from a Pair of Gold Shoes- December 25, 2008

This is a post from about 4 years ago. I think it's close enough to Christmas to repost it. 

This Christmas has been different: snowy, out of order traditions (we still haven't opened our stockings!), and a whole lot of giving.
                For the first time since I can remember my parents and I chose to give more than we recieved and as a result, have had the best Christmas ever. Today we spent Christmas with a family we just met whose faith and exemplary trust in Christ emulated Abraham. They moved thousands of miles to Seattle and changed their way of life because they felt the call of God.
              Throughout the last few weeks, since we met this family, my parents and I have come together in prayer and faith in countless ways asking God how he wanted to use us to demonstrate his love to them as well as our community. It resulted in a ton of elbow grease around our house as well as braving the weather and malls with more joy then I've experienced since my last service oriented trip.
               Today we were able to see the fruits of our labor and God's work on our hearts by having the family over for lunch and dinner. In addition to to the "planned gifts" God open so many doors for us to give of ourselves. For example, I have way more clothes than I wear or need and for the last couple of days I'd been asking for an oportunity to give them to the two girls who are 8 and 13. After a fun round of "Apples to Apples" the youngest had a drink spill on her shirt and I was able to "see the window" to ask if she wanted to wear one of mine. She readily agreed and asked "so, when I leave where should I put it?" To which I was able to reply "well, actually, you can keep it. And, you can try some of these other ones if you'd like..." A closet riffling later resulted in two garbage bags full of clothes I no longer need being hauled out of my room by two very excited girls...even my hemmed pants fit!!
               But what really stood out to me from the clothes, was a pair of gold chuck taylors I impulse bought at walmart about a year ago. As the family walked out, with the oldest wearing the shoes; not only was reminded of a portion of one of my favorite quotes, "God is in the recycling business..." but also overwhelmed by the truth that God really is in control and has plans for our life. My "impulse buy" turned into a blessing and a very tangible reminder of how I really can trust Jesus' plan for my life.
               What caused the differences this Christmas? The sermons on giving I heard on several occasions? The weather? A change in outlook? Being thankful? The fact that my hearing loss has taught me the hard way that nothing really is ours and that only God really is in control and caused me to be more grateful for what I have? Regardless, Christmas 2008 will forever be etched in my memory as the one where I truly learned that its more blessed to give than recieve.

What do You want to do with These Dull Ears? August 30, 2011

            Jesus, what do you want to do with my dull ears? How are you using this hard thing for good, right now? I know it will have a ‘future weight of glory’, but it really doesn’t feel ‘light or momentary’, it seems downright mammoth and millennial. What can I grasp tonight as the fears taunt, overwhelm, and I futilely try to prepare for a “what-if” future of fulfilled fears. In my feeble flesh, help me to see your promises now, in the land of the living. Help me to hope—I cannot without You. The darkness of doubt, not of You, necessarily, is more disabling than the deafness.

            Now, its more, how do You, how can You, use me? Your word tells me my weaknesses make me strong—yet I feel spiritual atrophy and apathy. Help me to choose to trust, choose to hope, choose to worship in my weakness.

            You use these dull ears to draw me to You, to expose my flesh, my selfishness, pride, and self-reliance. The way you use me and my dull ears isn’t defined by what I can see. I may never know the extent of the ‘eternal weight of glory’ this suffering, and others will bring. I can choose joy, you command us to be ‘joyful in hope’. Dash my western framework that joy is an emotion; no, it’s a choice. Joy is a work of You as you change me to will to worship in weeping. May I remember the ways I’m blessed. Thank you for perspective.

            So, Jesus, thank you for turning a self-pitying and short-sighted plea into a fruitful prayer. You use my loss to teach me, to draw me to you in weakness. How you use it to impact my life and others, is up to you.

                        Amen

From the Archive: Notes on the first half of Proverbs 31, an equally amazing woman is exemplified. April 20, 2011

Today in my (mostly) daily Bible reading, I finished up the Book of Proverbs. Normally, this “31st chapter" is one many women approach with fear, guilt, shame, and disdain. We think, "who could ever actually live up to those standards?!" , and are exhausted before we even begin to read the “archaic” list, not to mention the formidable principles that undergird the culturally specific verses. A side note, one of the best books that I’ve read that has helped me delve into the “Proverbs 31 woman” is “Did I Kiss Marriage Goodbye” by Carolyn McCulley. With all that stated, today I was floored by a different woman in beginning of this passage, King Lemuel’s mother.
The first nine verses of Proverbs 31 are given the subheading of “The words of King Lemuel” but the first verse indicates that in actuality, the following principles/verses were words that his mother taught him. I was struck by the fact that this revealed a lot about Lemuel’s mother- she would have had to have been a woman who was intentional in her instruction of her son, and persistent enough that he had not only remembered her wisdom, but, furthermore, passed it on to others. What a legacy! The second verse has a key principle- “my son, what are you doing?”- namely, that we need to take stock of ourselves, our actions, words, and the heart behind them. This is requires insight and humility. The next few verses call her son to a high standard, to character that was achievable but also required diligence and because they were standards that surpassed common men, not suited for a King. Similarly, she not only calls her son to be one of character, but also one of action, who makes the most of his position and influence for good and for justice “open your mouth, judge righteously, defend the rights of the poor and needy”. What a mother! She could not have done this without personal character cultivation. She had to be a woman of wisdom; understanding, knowledge and insight to be see the necessity of imparting these truths to her son in a manner that caused him to see their importance without legalism. Centuries later we are recipients of her wisdom because of her legacy living. King Lemuel had to have memorized these words of wisdom, he could repeat them just like so many of us can repeat our mothers’ admonitions to “have a good day”, “drive safe”, etc. King Lemuel’s mother was one who definitely “trained up her son in the way he should go”. She was mindful of legacy living.

I did go on to finish the “Proverbs 31” woman passage and, as in the past, made aware of the fact that this is not meant to be a daunting, guilt and shame producing to-do list, rather, it is an exemplification of character. “out of the overflow of the heart, so a man speaks”. This woman is diligent, hard-working, discerning, self-sacrificing, and generous, among other traits, because of her underlying character. Its not about the tasks, its about the heart. She too, had a legacy, “her children rise up and call her blessed” (v. 28). She is not doing all these things TO BE an excellent wife! They are the overflow of a woman who knows her maker and is pleased to serve him in the circumstances around her. She is a woman who fears the Lord, and is to be aspired to- not because of her works, but because of her heart.

My prayer is that as Jesus continues to work in and through me, I too, would be mindful of “legacy living”. It starts today. It starts with my heart. It starts with my Savior.

December 8, 2011- I reposted this because I'm re-reading "Did I Kiss Marriage Goodbye" by Carolyn McCulley. In chapter 4 she makes an important note that King Lemuel's mother wrote this about the type of woman she wanted him to find, so it isn't really/just about a wife, but they type of woman every female can be, not based on circumstances. Single or married, I encourage you to check out this book.

From the Archive: Songbirds are Taught to Sing in the Darkness March 11, 2011

              One of the most interesting facets of my hearing loss is how it never ceases to reveal new aspects of myself. My fallen nature: irritability, anger, fear, despair, to name a few. It is something that is all-encompassing in how it transforms your life-not just surface things like wearing aids, but. From how you approach conversations (great lighting and the less background noise the better); to chosen entertainment: books and board games, less movies/plays; and even recreation: swimming is now terrifying and outdoor exercise is weather permitting (imagine running a 5K with an umbrella) since wearing a hood leads to maddening aid feedback. Dinners in restaurants are now anxiety producing and embarrassment riddled when the waiter asks how you want your burger done and you respond with "just water, thanks". You see, this loss is not just in your ears, its all-encompassing, and after 3 years, it gets a little overwhelming. You can only take so much of the daily struggles before the foundation of what you are is challenged.  Core things that keep you grounded and sane are suddenly on shaky ground, confiidence eroding. Knowing you're a capable adult is assaulted by the constant reminder of all the little things you're now incapable of-- and the scale begins to tip because of the weighty evidence that builds each day. Eventually, it's not just characteristics that defined you, like loving going to movies, concerts, dinners, swimming, etc., that are crumbling, but more deeply, your identity. All those little questions turn into a big one- who am I now? I'm not as capable, confident, care-free, and competent as I once was- and what does that mean?  You cannot see yourself the same when your life is turned upside down. Your very identity is in a limbo.

            Personally, I began to believe I was second-rate. As the days and years drug on, the embarrassment, incapability, and challenges seemed to separate me from the pack, like a zebra in quicksand. I couldn't escape and a life with my dreams as tangible seemed like a deceptive mirage. My friends and family were unable to help, and life seemed to be pretty hopeless- because who wants to strive for something unattainable? So there I sat, bleating for help but not believing it would come, or, if it did, it would be like my aids- an immense help to "making-do" with life, but not really "solving" the problem or giving hope- much less get my identity on solid ground. But see, that outlook- hopeless and jaded, leads you to isolation, sure sinking in the quicksand, and not even attempting to grasp the rope. The fight makes you sink faster, relaxing, being still in the turmoil helps you to see, buys you time, gives you hope. Thrashing in terror thwarts the tangible truths around you. But sometimes I think you need the despair to truly appreciate the hope. you need to know what its like to be hopeless, to feel second-rate, before the glorious hope, acceptance, love, and purpose of Jesus can really take root.

            This past week, I finally stopped thrashing and grabbed the rope, I have been pulled to hope. When I was at my darkest- unable to even articulate the assault the loss had put on my identity (with fear in the workplace of being more of a burden than an asset, feeling like a charity case friend rather than a needed comrade), Jesus pulled me out. In the span of 48 hours I had a new hope through two divine appointments: one, a conversation, and one with a neurolotogist, as well as a window to a dream- acceptance into a masters program for teaching early childhood special education. All these under-girded by a wonderful week with family who I know love me unconditionally. These things drastically changed the balance of the scale of hope. With a triumphant thud my identity was grounded from the years of limbo. No longer could the daily fears, embarrassment, and changes outweigh the evidence of my capability and purpose. To be honest, it felt too good to be true. Did I really have hope, purpose? Was I really "first-rate" and needed, with my limitations and all? Old habits and thoughts die hard. Would Jesus really be my rescue, my hope, NOW? Not only had my outlook on life been challenged, but more centrally, my view of my Savior. His character and provision, the goodness of his grace. I almost didn't want to believe these new hopes, provisions, because they were so unmerited-but, that's the point, the beauty of grace.

             My prayer is that these truths take root and are as constant as the ringing in my ears. May I continue to renew my mind and be transformed, rooted in the Christ who never ceases to save me.

In reference to the title, and included ink sketch I drew yesterday, here is one of my favorite quotes by Oswald Chambers, but quoted in "In This Mountain" by Jan Karon

At times God puts us through the discipline of darkness to teach us to heed Him. Songbirds are taught to sing in the dark and we are put into the shadow of God's hand until we learn to hear Him...watch when God puts you into darkness, and when you are there keep your mouth shut. Are you in the dark just now in your circumstances, or in your walk with God? Then remain quiet...when you are in the dark, listen, and God will give you a very precious message for someone else when you get in the light- Oswald Chambers

      

From the Archive: OLD piece of writing from 8th or 9th grade

This is a “book” I started writing around 8th or 9th grade, and I’ve left it in its entirety (grammar errors and all)… this page is as far as I got. Ironically enough, the last lines are exactly what I needed to hear today…

            All teenage girls look and notice guys. It’s a no brainer. Everywhere we go we are bombarded with the world’s view of what a guy should be. They say if they’re not cute or cool then Hey, they’re not worth it. But I pose the question, what exactly is “cool”. As a Christian cool should be defined as someone who has a strong relationship with God, and at all costs, will stand up for they’re faith. Our standard for guys should be higher then the world’s. But what qualities should we look for in a guy who potentially may become a boyfriend, and even a husband? I believe God is telling us, as Christian girls to search for boys who are “Hot at Heart”

Chapter 1

Worlds View vs. The Christians

            The world today is not at the morality level it was at even ten years ago. TV is more profane then ever the shows subject us to more sex and violence then we should see. Hey, I admit the “cool” shows like “Friends” and “Will and Grace” may be tempting to watch since “everyone is doing it” but it is not worth it. The world tells us that all the matters is our appearance. But that is just not true. The Bible tells us that Jesus probably wasn’t the hottest guy out there, but hey! He was the Son of God! The world tells us that if we are not a size 0 or don’t wear clothes that are tighter then tight, then there is something wrong or we don’t measure up. Girls, we don’t realize how much the way we dress affects the guys around us. They are wired totally different and as fellow sisters in Christ we need to respect that weakness and try to dress in a way that is fashionable but glorifies God. Our definition of “cool” should be different then the world’s

            A cool Christian guy should have many traits. They should stand up for their faith in God, even when that may not be the cool thing to do. Look for this, it is a great sign as to where a guy is spiritually. A Christian boy should really respect girls for who we are and be a gentle man. Even simple things such as opening the door for us is a great indicator as to what they may be like. Look to see how they act around their guy friends as well. Are they the ones making the sick jokes, the ones laughing at it, or the he one who is trying to direct the conversation in a more appropriate direction. I know that in middle school and high school we are just trying to figure out who we are but even then, look for the guys who are more mature in spirit and are serious about their faith. The Bible says a Godly man will pay attention to what God says and will listen closely to his words (Prov. 4:20 NIV). Try to find the guys who are like this, if you can’t see it coming through, pray for the guys and wait, maturity will come. 

From the Archive: Musings on a Life of Mishearing

            One of my favorite novelists described losing a sense as "being in a room, alone, with the door slowly shutting, closing you off from everything physical", or at least, the relationship with the world you had before.

            Personally, this "door of deafness" has been doing so for me for three years. That is the perfect analogy- alone, caught up in the two seemingly competing realities- the "real world" and your own reality that is ever-changing, frustrating, and an obstinate foe to your attempts to maintain your relationship with the world - others who are able-bodied and hearing. It is akin to Groundhog day, I'm Bill Murray, constantly waking up to a day with the same reality- bluffing conversations, getting embarrassed by mishearing, and in a constant simmer of anxiety that I'm going to mess up something really important because of something I can't control or change- my hearing loss. So, not only am I seemingly alone in this room, but I'm also at a loss for how to navigate its ever-changing landscape- like trying to find your way to the bathroom when you're a guest and can't find the light switch. It's a scary place to be.

            But I'm not without hope. See, the key to being in that dark room is finding the light switch, even a flashlight, anything to shed light and give you your bearings, or, like Groundhog day, realizing lessons you needed and seeing your monotonous life in a new light. This is not an easy thing- it takes the monotony, the groping for the light, to get there. I'll admit, some days it's so tempting to just sit in the darkness, to want to give up the fight to be in both worlds, to keep my foot in the door. I've never been much of a recluse, preferring to be surrounded by others engaging in meaningful conversations. But the last few months I've struggled to be intentional-why is that? I think its because I've been trying to fight on my own strength. I've let the encroaching darkness paralyze and speak lies about my future. Forgetting the hope of the flashlight, the light switch. 

            But today I have a renewed fight- not on my own power, but by a Savior who is "in the room with me" as the author explained in the novel-- "The lesson is in the fight, remembering that the Savior who created you and has a hand in your circumstances, (especially being in the room) is there with you. It is so humbling to realize I need this room, this struggle- it is my thorn in my side, my wrestling with God-- Like Paul and Jacob, it is imperative and inspiring- a fetter for I am so prone to wander. So, whatever causes you to be in the room alone- thank God for it. There is great purpose in it. Let Him be the flashlight- knowing that this trouble is achieving an eternal purpose that far out weighs the current struggle.

From the Archive: So Much Like Israel October 24, 2010

 

            I have found that I relate to God's chosen, stubborn, and whiny children more than I care to admit. Just like them, God does big things in my life and two steps later I'm back to fear, doubt, and even anger because I only see the Desert. My feet hurt from walking, it's hot, and there doesn't seem to be any hope for miles. How I so easily forget his love, guidance, and provision that constantly sustain me.

            Similarly, I was reading in Jeremiah 42 and 43 this week. In those chapters the Israelites plead with Jeremiah to seek God's will and protection "promising" they'll obey him this time-no matter what. For ten days he waits for the word from the Lord. When he returns he and tells them to stay put as the remenant, grow, flourish, instead of what they wanted to see for deliverance- the okay to flee to Egypt, they turn away, again, and ignore God's clear direction. Basically saying, "Yeah...God of the universe who chooses to beat our hearts, split the red sea, and lead us with fire and clouds...nope. no thanks. we have a better idea". They go their own way- to Egypt- and not only experience great suffering, but also bring it on the Egyptians too. Personally, this story hits home in too many ways. In my journey with hearing loss I've definitely asked for healing- I've wanted this to go away. Like Jeremiah it feels like I've waited a long time to hear from Him- only to get the message I don't want. "Stay put in your loss, grow, flourish, trust". And, all too much like Israel, my hardened response is to balk at God and say "hmm...no thanks" and get frustrated and mad, which only compounds on the daily, hourly, struggle to hear people around me and live life. Also, like Israel, this disobedience and my hearing loss, is so much bigger than me- it affects so many others. By not trusting God, and giving into fear and irritability- I hinder those around me. I'm not stewarding my life and loss well. I forget and "miss" all the ways God IS showing up- like the Desiring God National Conference- the sermons, people I met, and prayers; as well as a job I love dropped into my lap and a wonderful church home.

            All this to say- I don't want to choose to let my increasing deafness quiet the ears of my heart. I want to live hearing Jesus better than I ever have- and that comes through obeying, surrendering, and trusting. If he wants me to "stay put" in my increasing hearing loss, then there's great purpose and hope in it- I don't want to miss it.

From the Archive: "Swim through it, not over it" March 25, 2010

           True for Marlin and Dory, true for us. I have been increasingly convicted that we need to “swim through trials” and not attempt to swim over them. We need to trek on in the desert instead of aimlessly wandering for water and chasing mirages. Sometimes we are put into a season of drought, uncertainty, and waiting that seems like a spiritual desert or being loss at sea. You don’t know which way is up north, south, or where you’re headed. It can be a scary place to be.

            In light of this, I think many Old Testament texts can be wonderful explanations for the importance of remembering, resisting, and the reward in the end. God constantly calls his people to remember how He worked in the past, to resist temptation to go their own way in the present, and to travel on in trust knowing that there is a reason and reward for our trials.

            This has hit me in countless ways in the past week. From a wonderful recount of a sermon by the discipleship coordinator on how God led His people the long way to the Promised Land, and the necessity of that. He could have let them around the northern rim of the Red Sea but he chose to take them south. He chose, to reveal his power by parting the Red Sea and thus encouraging them with the strength of their God and his Sovereignty over all things.   In His omnipotence He knew that they needed these demonstrations for courage and trust in the future. Not only that, due to their sins they were stuck in the desert for 40 years. Sometimes we’re stuck in a season of distress because of our own ignorance, sin, and lack of trust. God uses these desert times to teach us about His power and love (Deuteronomy 4). It is why we must swim through the trials, because the swimming leads to endurance and trust, in greater strength and security than if we didn’t suffer or have to wait.

            By no means is this easy, but it is essential. Paul tells the Romans that “suffering produces endurance, endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not disappoint…” (adapted from Rom. 5:1-4).  Within this there will be much temptation. Temptation to: rebel, to check out, to find our own way, and to take the easiest way out of pain, instead of trusting and persevering. I think some of the easiest temptations in our culture are laziness, comfort, and blame-shifting. Our culture prides itself on the “power of the individual” while simultaneously giving us excuses to blame society, our social circles, and our genes. Yes, those things undoubtedly influence us and can be part of our trials, but they do not define our capacity to trust God. He does not change and we must remember in order to resist. Remembering how He’s “parted the Red Sea” for us in the past is a huge weapon in combating our excuses and fears. He has not changed since those times where we so clearly saw Him working. Write down how He’s worked and read over it when the temptation to despair and have tunnel “desert vision” of your trials. Personally, this has caused me to have a renewed trust in who God is and what He does, He pulled through in the past when I didn’t see a way out—and his steadfast love has not changed- it endures forever! 

            Lastly, we must work for the reward, namely, to enjoy God for who He is, not solely for what He’s done and will do for us. The Bible calls us to “rejoice in the Lord!” This does not mean we deny that our circumstances are hard, but signals a trust that God is sovereign over them and that they WILL and DO have a purpose. Just like the Israelites needed the long way to the Promised Land, we need our circumstances to cultivate fortitude and faith.  The Israelites could not see the importance of their wandering until it was in the past, likewise, we often do not see the fruits of our trials until much later—but they will be there. I encourage you to remember how God has worked in the past, resist the temptation to give up and give into the “quick fix”, and to trust and wait for the reward of your suffering. It will be much, and will cause you to taste and see that the Lord is good and to enjoy Him in new ways.

                                    Swim through it, not over it.

Deuteronomy 4:32-40  ³²"For ask now of the days that are past, which were before you, since the day that God created man on the earth, and ask from one end of heaven to the other, whether such a great thing as this has ever happened or was ever heard of. ³³Did any people ever hear the voice of a god speaking out of the midst of the fire, as you have heard, and still live? ³⁴Or has any god ever attempted to go and take a nation for himself from the midst of another nation, by trials, by signs, by wonders, and by war, by a mighty hand and an outstretched arm, and by great deeds of terror, all of which the LORD your God did for you in Egypt before your eyes? ³⁵To you it was shown, that you might know that the LORD is God; there is no other besides him. ³⁶ Out of heaven he let you hear his voice, that he might discipline you. And on earth he let you see his great fire, and you heard his words out of the midst of the fire. ³⁷And because he loved your fathers and chose their offspring after them and brought you out of Egypt with his own presence, by his great power, ³⁸⁽ driving out before you nations greater and mightier than yourselves, to bring you in, to give you their land for an inheritance, as it is this day, ³⁹know therefore today, and lay it to your heart, that the LORD is God in heaven above and on the earth beneath; there is no other. ⁴⁰ Therefore you shall keep his statutes and his commandments, which I command you today, that it may go well with you and with your children after you, and that you may prolong your days in the land that the LORD your God is giving you for all time."

From the Archive: I want you. I want all of you, forever, you and me, everyday. December 6, 2009

 This post is # 2 in a series of posts I've entitled "From the Archive" where I am posting earlier writings from the last three years or so.

            Ok, I know this is from The Notebook. Girls swoon, guys roll their eyes. But imagine a different story.
            Someone willing to give up everything for you. Someone who willingly leaves their throne and glory just to prove their love for you. Someone who created you willing to serve you. Someone who doesn’t say that line just to satisfy their own fleshly desires and boost their ego because of their need to be needed. But someone willing to give up everything because they know that without their relationship you will always be unsatisfied, lonely, hurt, and condemned. Someone who really thinks you are “to die for” and proves it. By dying in the most agonizing way possible- slowly, suffocating- and that’s after being whipped to where he is unrecognizable. Who could reject this display of perfect love? Someone willing to die because He truly wants “all of you, forever, everyday”.
                                    Fact is we reject him everyday.
            We are too easily satisfied with quick fixes and cheap substitutes that we’re sure will meet our needs. We dare to turn away and say to him “actually, even though you created me, I know better…THIS will satisfy me”. And pretty soon, we’re right back where we started- lonely, hurt, humiliated, and unsatisfied. We need to stop looking around and look up. Open up the book by your bed that is just waiting to reveal how loved you are- loved to your core by the one who created those desires you so long to be fulfilled. Jesus never stops pursuing us. He is waiting to heal our wounds and our loneliness with His perfect love. Ladies-you want to be pursued- you already are- receive it. Men- recognize that you are loved and can be satisfied- in Christ, and then, with His example, pursue the woman (one ;-) ) He directs you to.
            This truth broke me this weekend. Of course, it took several different ways of conveying the same message- but that is just an example of how much Jesus pursues us- He is willing to do what it takes for us to see our complete need for Him. He truly is amazing, astonishing, and awesome (as my pastor proclaimed today). He truly does want to seal our hearts with His perfect love. For the first time I have been able to truly get a taste of this perfect love that casts out all fear. See, I’d been anxious in the past- always asking God for “his heart” for a situation or person- without even considering the prayer of asking Him to first take all of my heart. My prayer is that from this moment on this truth is branded on my heart. That I am saved, and loved with perfect love that cannot be taken from me. Will I forget, and like Peter let fear and uncertainty cause me to look around instead of above, most likely. Will Jesus change, stop pursing me, and give up- never. Hear that- NEVER.
            My prayer is that each of you who reads this will be rocked by Jesus’ love for you. His perfect love that casts out fear and proves its steadfastness- all the way to the cross. Receive it. Ask Him to reveal it to you. Be freed from the pursuit of idols and cheep imitations that, as Lewis rightly articulated lead to an “ever increasing desire with an ever diminishing pleasure”. Entrust your heart to the only one who can truly satisfy. Repent from your distrust and guarded hearts- and receive the love from the only one who truly does “want all of you, forever, everyday”.

From the Archives: my first piece of writing after discovering my hearing loss

Convictions, Change, Concerts, and Grace April 7, 2008

            It’s often said that our lives come in seasons: some full of growth and new revelations like spring that yields the cherry trees just about to burst into full bloom on campus, others like winter- so dreary, desolate, and so full of snow or conflict that you can't even see a foot in front of you.
            This past semester has definitely been a "winter" for me. In the beginning of January I found out that at 20 years old I needed hearing aids. I have a genetic loss that's something I've had my whole life but only recently, in the past few years, resulted in a significant diminishing of my hearing that could actually leave me completely deaf; there's just no way to tell. Basically, the audiologist didn't know how I lasted this long without them and remarked that "He had no idea how I would survive if were to take a foreign language", ironically I'm minoring in Spanish. Anyway, in February I got hearing aids for the first time in my life. It has been one of the most overwhelming two months of my life as I have not only adjusted to the new world of sound around me, but also come to grips with the amount of stuff I had been missing. Another aspect has been the acknowledgment of how much anxiety I've carried as my hearing as worsened. Its hard to explain the panic I experienced when forced to converse in dimly lit rooms or in a large group setting. I'd like to fancy myself wonder woman and aver that "I'm fine" and that "It's been easy. no big deal" but the reality is that this change has caused me to grow and rely on God in so many new ways. Its been a humbling process of accepting the change, trusting God's plan, and letting go of my own desires and feeble grasp on life when I should give it up completely to Christ. It has also been a completely convicting experience as I have become acutely aware of my own pride and self-reliance that only lead to self-pity and bitterness. Sure, I could wallow and whine "why me" but that's just the problem- far too often I am focused on myself instead of realizing just how blessed I am. Recently, I was at starbucks and a lady caught my eye. She was a wheelchair bound dwarf who also had hearing aids. Her daily struggle to just get a cup of coffee helped me realized just how amazingly blessed I am. See, I was diagnosed as a dwarf but from what I hear, people prayed and while I'm short, I'm not a dwarf. Her persistence and self-sufficiency were inspiring.
            This season has also been one of changes in relationships since often friends are put into your life for specific times. While its sad when those fall apart- I have the choice to get bitter and hurt only myself by not letting go of how they hurt me, or I can choose to forgive and be thankful for the way they were able to bless me for the time we were close. Often, those voids are replaced by new friends or filled by the old ones. I am eternally grateful for the people God has placed in my life, whether in the past, now, future, or all three.
            The final aspect of all of this is a new understanding of Grace. it has been amazing to be a recipient of grace in so many avenues throughout this adjustment. From friends who listened,  to those who encouraged, and not to mention all the grace from professors. I think its one of the hardest things to receive grace, after all, by its definition its something we don't deserve. What has been most intriguing is learning to give grace to myself, for often I'm my hardest critic and the least likely to be pleased with my efforts. Sure, its easy to see others' circumstances as impacting their performance or actions but its just as appealing to say that we're able to "rise above" them without little impact. Once again; a humbling experience.
            Finally, I may just be in the "carpe diem" stage of adjusting where I want to take advantage of my hearing, since I don't know how long it will last, but going to the Rascal Flatts and Taylor Swift concert last weekend was such a blessing. (While I'm not dwelling on the fact that I could lose all my hearing, it is something I need to acknowledge so that if it doest happen, I'm not completely caught of guard). Anyway, music is such an integrated aspect of any person’s life and it was/is such a blessing to enjoy, participate, and work through seasons of life with music.
            All this said, while this season has been a tough one on so many levels- emotionally, physically, socially, and academically, to name a few. I count myself blessed beyond measure, not only for the answer of prayer through hearing aids, but also by the grace of God that is so richly lavished on me in more ways than I could ever deserve, count, or imagine. I can't wait for the next season of life, whatever it brings. Hopefully, like those cherry trees, it'll explode in color and beauty.