Convictions, Change, Concerts, and Grace April 7, 2008
It’s often said that our lives come in seasons: some full of growth and new revelations like spring that yields the cherry trees just about to burst into full bloom on campus, others like winter- so dreary, desolate, and so full of snow or conflict that you can't even see a foot in front of you.
This past semester has definitely been a "winter" for me. In the beginning of January I found out that at 20 years old I needed hearing aids. I have a genetic loss that's something I've had my whole life but only recently, in the past few years, resulted in a significant diminishing of my hearing that could actually leave me completely deaf; there's just no way to tell. Basically, the audiologist didn't know how I lasted this long without them and remarked that "He had no idea how I would survive if were to take a foreign language", ironically I'm minoring in Spanish. Anyway, in February I got hearing aids for the first time in my life. It has been one of the most overwhelming two months of my life as I have not only adjusted to the new world of sound around me, but also come to grips with the amount of stuff I had been missing. Another aspect has been the acknowledgment of how much anxiety I've carried as my hearing as worsened. Its hard to explain the panic I experienced when forced to converse in dimly lit rooms or in a large group setting. I'd like to fancy myself wonder woman and aver that "I'm fine" and that "It's been easy. no big deal" but the reality is that this change has caused me to grow and rely on God in so many new ways. Its been a humbling process of accepting the change, trusting God's plan, and letting go of my own desires and feeble grasp on life when I should give it up completely to Christ. It has also been a completely convicting experience as I have become acutely aware of my own pride and self-reliance that only lead to self-pity and bitterness. Sure, I could wallow and whine "why me" but that's just the problem- far too often I am focused on myself instead of realizing just how blessed I am. Recently, I was at starbucks and a lady caught my eye. She was a wheelchair bound dwarf who also had hearing aids. Her daily struggle to just get a cup of coffee helped me realized just how amazingly blessed I am. See, I was diagnosed as a dwarf but from what I hear, people prayed and while I'm short, I'm not a dwarf. Her persistence and self-sufficiency were inspiring.
This season has also been one of changes in relationships since often friends are put into your life for specific times. While its sad when those fall apart- I have the choice to get bitter and hurt only myself by not letting go of how they hurt me, or I can choose to forgive and be thankful for the way they were able to bless me for the time we were close. Often, those voids are replaced by new friends or filled by the old ones. I am eternally grateful for the people God has placed in my life, whether in the past, now, future, or all three.
The final aspect of all of this is a new understanding of Grace. it has been amazing to be a recipient of grace in so many avenues throughout this adjustment. From friends who listened, to those who encouraged, and not to mention all the grace from professors. I think its one of the hardest things to receive grace, after all, by its definition its something we don't deserve. What has been most intriguing is learning to give grace to myself, for often I'm my hardest critic and the least likely to be pleased with my efforts. Sure, its easy to see others' circumstances as impacting their performance or actions but its just as appealing to say that we're able to "rise above" them without little impact. Once again; a humbling experience.
Finally, I may just be in the "carpe diem" stage of adjusting where I want to take advantage of my hearing, since I don't know how long it will last, but going to the Rascal Flatts and Taylor Swift concert last weekend was such a blessing. (While I'm not dwelling on the fact that I could lose all my hearing, it is something I need to acknowledge so that if it doest happen, I'm not completely caught of guard). Anyway, music is such an integrated aspect of any person’s life and it was/is such a blessing to enjoy, participate, and work through seasons of life with music.
All this said, while this season has been a tough one on so many levels- emotionally, physically, socially, and academically, to name a few. I count myself blessed beyond measure, not only for the answer of prayer through hearing aids, but also by the grace of God that is so richly lavished on me in more ways than I could ever deserve, count, or imagine. I can't wait for the next season of life, whatever it brings. Hopefully, like those cherry trees, it'll explode in color and beauty.
This past semester has definitely been a "winter" for me. In the beginning of January I found out that at 20 years old I needed hearing aids. I have a genetic loss that's something I've had my whole life but only recently, in the past few years, resulted in a significant diminishing of my hearing that could actually leave me completely deaf; there's just no way to tell. Basically, the audiologist didn't know how I lasted this long without them and remarked that "He had no idea how I would survive if were to take a foreign language", ironically I'm minoring in Spanish. Anyway, in February I got hearing aids for the first time in my life. It has been one of the most overwhelming two months of my life as I have not only adjusted to the new world of sound around me, but also come to grips with the amount of stuff I had been missing. Another aspect has been the acknowledgment of how much anxiety I've carried as my hearing as worsened. Its hard to explain the panic I experienced when forced to converse in dimly lit rooms or in a large group setting. I'd like to fancy myself wonder woman and aver that "I'm fine" and that "It's been easy. no big deal" but the reality is that this change has caused me to grow and rely on God in so many new ways. Its been a humbling process of accepting the change, trusting God's plan, and letting go of my own desires and feeble grasp on life when I should give it up completely to Christ. It has also been a completely convicting experience as I have become acutely aware of my own pride and self-reliance that only lead to self-pity and bitterness. Sure, I could wallow and whine "why me" but that's just the problem- far too often I am focused on myself instead of realizing just how blessed I am. Recently, I was at starbucks and a lady caught my eye. She was a wheelchair bound dwarf who also had hearing aids. Her daily struggle to just get a cup of coffee helped me realized just how amazingly blessed I am. See, I was diagnosed as a dwarf but from what I hear, people prayed and while I'm short, I'm not a dwarf. Her persistence and self-sufficiency were inspiring.
This season has also been one of changes in relationships since often friends are put into your life for specific times. While its sad when those fall apart- I have the choice to get bitter and hurt only myself by not letting go of how they hurt me, or I can choose to forgive and be thankful for the way they were able to bless me for the time we were close. Often, those voids are replaced by new friends or filled by the old ones. I am eternally grateful for the people God has placed in my life, whether in the past, now, future, or all three.
The final aspect of all of this is a new understanding of Grace. it has been amazing to be a recipient of grace in so many avenues throughout this adjustment. From friends who listened, to those who encouraged, and not to mention all the grace from professors. I think its one of the hardest things to receive grace, after all, by its definition its something we don't deserve. What has been most intriguing is learning to give grace to myself, for often I'm my hardest critic and the least likely to be pleased with my efforts. Sure, its easy to see others' circumstances as impacting their performance or actions but its just as appealing to say that we're able to "rise above" them without little impact. Once again; a humbling experience.
Finally, I may just be in the "carpe diem" stage of adjusting where I want to take advantage of my hearing, since I don't know how long it will last, but going to the Rascal Flatts and Taylor Swift concert last weekend was such a blessing. (While I'm not dwelling on the fact that I could lose all my hearing, it is something I need to acknowledge so that if it doest happen, I'm not completely caught of guard). Anyway, music is such an integrated aspect of any person’s life and it was/is such a blessing to enjoy, participate, and work through seasons of life with music.
All this said, while this season has been a tough one on so many levels- emotionally, physically, socially, and academically, to name a few. I count myself blessed beyond measure, not only for the answer of prayer through hearing aids, but also by the grace of God that is so richly lavished on me in more ways than I could ever deserve, count, or imagine. I can't wait for the next season of life, whatever it brings. Hopefully, like those cherry trees, it'll explode in color and beauty.
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