It has been a whirlwind few months. Where I am today is not at all where I would have expected to be three months ago-but it’s exactly where He wants me. These times of “comfort upheaval” are trying but purposeful, agonizing and freeing- akin to a toddler taking their first steps. Three months ago I was “full speed ahead” on my plans- finish out the school year with a family, grad school comin’ right up. Now: I’m sitting in Minneapolis, grad school off the radar for now, and prayerfully thanking Jesus for the purposeful pain that the last months, weeks, and days have contained. Its not about picking up the pieces of my plans—rather its trusting that they’ve fallen apart so something better can fall together. While its been painful to see things about myself these past three months (pride in my abilities, persevering to prove myself, and a general distrust of God’s goodness in his plans and purposes, to name a few). I am so thankful. In the past I would have been embarrassed—that I couldn’t persevere with the family, didn’t get a teaching position, and read into others’ words and actions things they were never trying to say. But I don’t have to be embarrassed because its not about proving myself- its about walking in His providence- humbly admitting that I am in constant need of his guidance and grace.
Through all of this I’ve been freed—to realize, accept, believe that ALL things work for His glory and my good—always. Like my pastor stated a few months ago “…your mistakes and dumb decisions didn’t separate you from God’s plan, they were a part of it…to help (you) realize (your) need for Him”. So, how can I not thank Him for the struggle, the stumbling, the falling? Like the toddler, they are painful but so purposeful—they lead to something greater—walking. Walking in confidence that I am Christ’s, there is no condemnation—frequently consequences for my mistakes, but even those are in the hands of a Savior who gave up everything to free us in Him.
So, have these past three months hurt? Most definitely. Letting go of idols and pride always involve pain because so much is tied to them. But they’ve also been full of joy and awe—that Jesus does “will and work for his good pleasure”. From new families to work with to this current time in Minneapolis—a very tangible example of His provision and perfect timing; as well as the ever pressing and increasingly probable Kenya trip. I’ve learned through these trials that the stumbling is worth it. Jesus is FOR me—like the father encouraging his child to walk. Jesus is cheering me on—encouraging me because he is for me- my growth, joy, confidence in him. Stumbling, uncertain steps are guided by a loving father who knows that learning to walk in Him isn’t easy, but it’s eternally worth it.
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