With Us in the Fire and the Flood July 28, 2011

            When we’re in the middle of suffering, pain, and tragedy it’s difficult to see how God is involved, or that He cares. As finite humans who cling to our fickle feelings, it’s easy to go from a hard circumstance to defiance, doubt, and despair—within the span of 15 minutes. Tunnel vision is a huge temptation in the face of tragedy—and its crippling effects on are lives and holistic health don’t take long to manifest. I read in a book “The Wounded Healer” by Henri Nouwen, that life is not worth living without hope, without knowing someone, anyone, cares about you and your survival. A caring community is crucial to survival in the darkest seasons of life.

            The title of this post, “with us in the fire and the flood” is yet another portion of the song, “Sovereign Over Us”.  It drew me back to the first weeks and months after my diagnosis when I clung to Biblical passages like Isaiah 43:1-2 where God reminds Israel that He created them, formed them, and encourages them to not fear because of his promise that “when you pass through the waters, I will be with you, and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through the fire you shall not be burned, the fame shall not consume you” (v.2). I needed to be reminded of that—the truth that Jesus not only cares about my pain—but is with me—like the 4^th guy in the fiery furnace. More importantly, and expectantly, I needed to know that God would work this hard thing for good.

            “Even what the enemy means for evil, You turn it for our good, You turn it for our good and for your                 glory, Even in the valley You are faithful You’re working for our good, You’re working for our                          good and for your glory”

            Three and a half years later, I can see how indeed those promises are true. Not only did Jesus carry me through those times, He also taught me so much through them—this blog is a prime example. Take heart, it is often in hindsight that we see His faithfulness—yet we’re called to trust even when we don’t see.  One of my favorite literary characters, Father Tim, of Jan Karon’s Mitford series, remarked in a sermon about a dark season that, “a deeper spiritual truth, I believe, lies in giving thanks in...everything. In loss of all kinds. In illness, in depression, in grief, in failure. And, of course in health and peace, success and happiness. In everything. There'll be times when you wonder how you can possibly thank Him for something that turns your life upside down; certainly there will be such times for me. Let us then, at times like these, give thanks on faith alone...obedient, trusting, hoping, believing”.

            I found an essential tether to trust in the depths of the waters of loss was to preach the gospel to myself—not let my thoughts stew and spiral, a sure path to despair and doubt. It was a struggle, a discipline, like taking the time to exercise during the holidays, but its effects were lasting and worth it.

            My prayer is that if you are in a fire or a flood, you would be encouraged. This too, even if its just the intense pain, and the effects of illness/disability don’t have a foreseeable end; will be hindsight. At some point you will see His purposes, how pain was used to prosper you—give you a hope and future. But more importantly, to cause you to call upon Him, to seek Him and find Him when you seek Him with all your heart. The fire is refining, the flood is cleansing, and He is with you.

Working in Our Waiting July 27,2011

Sanctifying us, when beyond our understanding, you’re teaching us to trust.

            These lines are from one of my newest favorite songs, “Sovereign Over Us” by Aaron Keyes. A friend sent it to me last night and the lyrics resonated with me, especially the lines above. We’re all waiting for something (school being done, career to take off, marriage, children, retirement) and in our high-speed, achieving culture, we despise waiting. It encroaches on our agenda, ruins our plans; seems to damper our productivity. Often impatience and anger build and keep us from seeing any purpose in waiting. But waiting and anticipation cultivate patience. Remember how exciting Christmas morning was as a kid? All the days of presents building up under the tree, sneaking shakes to test the weight, guess the gift, led up to that morning of joy. Would it have been as exciting without the wait? A couple of weeks ago the speaker at a womens' breakfast stated that “God’s not as concerned about getting us to a certain destination as he is that we learn to trust Him in the process of getting where he wants to take us”.

            Over the last few months, as my plans fell apart and his plans started to be revealed, I began to relearn the purpose of waiting; on HIS guidance, trusting His plans and sovereignty over my circumstances. I had to realize that He is working in my waiting—in countless ways. Its not a holding time, where life is on pause until I can see where He’s taking me, rather this is his plan, the season of waiting (Grad school, Kenya, marriage), and it’s just as essential as the parts of His plan where I’ll see how the unknown areas of my life pan out.

            Similarly, this waiting time is not an idle, passive one; rather it is one of preparation and purpose. The last few weeks, several circumstances and relationships, my own and of those close to me, have helped me see the weight of relationships and marriage. It’s a BIG deal, not something to rush into, its better to be single than to be married to the “wrong” person (granted, I believe God is sovereign and that there is purpose in difficult relationships). This time of waiting for that phase of life needs to be one of intentionality—where I seek to grow in Christ, especially in my whole-hearted acceptance that HE is sufficient. Being a godly wife and mother starts today— my habits and character that I will bring into a marriage have already started to form. I can, and need to, foster a servant’s heart in the tasks before me today. Like the Ludy’s stated, “You’re only as holy as you are at home”. Ouch.

            So today I am trusting and thankful that Jesus is working in my waiting. I’m thankful for the family and friends around me, the job that I love, and all the work in this waiting. Elisabeth Elliot rightly articulated that “we [are to] thank God for the given, not allowing the ‘not given’ to spoil it” (God’s guiding light). I don’t want to miss the purposes of this day because I’m caught up in the desires and hopes I have for tomorrow. I leave you with the lyrics to “Sovereign Over Us”.

There is strength within the sorrow, There is beauty in our tears
You meet us in our mourning, With a love that casts out fear
You are working in our waiting, Sanctifying us
When beyond our understanding, You're teaching us to trust

CHORUS
Your plans are still to prosper, You have not forgotten us
You're with us in the fire and the flood
Faithful forever, Perfect in love
You are sovereign over us

V2
You are wisdom unimagined, Who could understand your ways
Reigning high above the heavens, Reaching down in endless grace
You’re the Lifter of the lowly, Compassionate and kind
You surround and You uphold me, Your promises are my delight

BR
Even what the enemy means for evil
You turn it for our good, You turn it for our good and for your glory
Even in the valley You are faithful
You’re working for our good, You’re working for our good and for your glory

Worth the Wait?

           We live in an extremely over sexualized culture.. From ads for yogurt to movie previews that make you blush, and innuendos in childrens' movies—it’s near impossible to escape the constant onslaught of media telling us to “live it up, mess around, enjoy life”.  As a Christian, the areas of dating, sex, and marriage are some of the primary ways we’re called to be set apart. In Paul’s letters to the Corinthians he calls them to a higher standard, reminding them that sexual sin is within your body and its implications are far reaching.

                        What do we believe?

            The Bible calls us to a higher standard—heterosexual, monogamy, for life; it’s not popular. Even as a Christian, do we use our sexuality as a tool, like the world to finding fulfillment, or as a testimony? Its so sad that the church’s response to our culture’s excess of sexuality is a suppression, denial, legalistic “Don’t do it ‘til you’re married” rule book, or a hands thrown up, given up “accommodate the sin and preach forgiveness (often neglecting the “little” detail that repentance is its basis). But the Bible’s approach is much better—it calls us to the higher standard not out of legalism, but out of love. Not to cause us to suffer, but because His plan is superior, truly satisfying.  I used to fall into the “young Christian woman” category that knew the “rules” but had lost the truth that Jesus also cares about romance—He wrote it! Its only been in the last few years that my eyes have been opened to the glorious truth that Jesus not only cares about my desires, but has designed them and wants to write the fulfillment of them out in my life, in his sovereignty. The book “When God Writes Your Love Story” by Eric and Leslie Ludy has been instrumental in the acceptance of God’s sovereign role in my life over the last few years- check it out!

            So in light of these polarities; culture and Christ, what’s a 23 year old to do? Is it worth the wait?  I have to remember that something of worth is not always easy. Often its crazy difficult, the relationship arena is no different.  The temptations and onslaughts on purity are everywhere. Well-meaning friends encourage me to, “just go out, make out; at least. You’re actually still waiting?” to the check-out magazines and even the body of Christ telling us singles to “just wait, it’s coming. Don’t worry” as if we’re waiting to be healed from a disease.

            It’s easy to forget that Christ identifies with us on every level of temptation. In a conversation at Starbucks a couple of summers ago, my friend remarked “you think Jesus wasn’t tempted? He was crazy popular for awhile- he probably had women falling all over him, you think he didn’t want to get married?” Likewise, Hebrews 2:18 relates that Christ “suffered when tempted [and he’s] able to help those who are being tempted”.  Not only does Christ know our temptations and desires, He cares, and designed romance and love. Marriage is to make us holy, more like Christ; not primarily to make us happy. Who wouldn’t want the author of romance to write their story? Is it easy to wait? Not always, but I trust that “those who are in Christ lack no good thing” and that means that the “good thing” for me today is singleness. Like Jim Elliot wrote to his future wife Elisabeth (in the midst of a 5 year wait to marriage) “let not our longing slay our appetite for living”. Like the sister of Eric Ludy, who when asked if she was called to singleness responded with “I am today”. There other things for me to do today than being in a relationship; not less, but different.  If I’m not content now, where He’s called me, I wont be when I’m married. Like John Piper aptly relates “before a couple gets married, and frequently afterward, they should look into each others eyes and say ‘you’re number two’ and if that’s not sweet to their ears, don’t marry them”.  I trust my Savior, His plans, timing, and promises. The wait may be hard, but I’m not alone. He’s waiting with me. It will be infinitely worth it.

The Worth of Weeping

           I’m sitting in an almost vacant Starbucks on a rainy July (oh, Seattle) evening and the book I’m reading “A lifetime of Wisdom” by Joni Eareckson Tada contained the phrase “The worth of our weeping…” and it lept off the page. I am not currently at the “weeping stage” of grief over my hearing loss, but I’ve been there. In the midst of weeping it can be near impossible to see its worth—life can seem pretty futile in the darkest days of despair over loss. All you feel is pain, and it pours out, encompasses your thoughts and emotions. Maybe you’ve been there, are there, now. Presently so distraught, or even complacent, that you even start to despair that you’ll always despair. Death and disability aren’t light things; they change your life in a thousand inexplicable ways—forever.

                                 So, what’s the worth of weeping?

            Our culture calls men to “suck it up” and women to “get over it” leading to a vicious cycle of guilty grief. Others still champion catharsis—let it all out, as much as needed, anytime, anywhere. But neither of those options offer much hope, release, maybe, but not redemption. I believe the Bible, and Christ’s example in his suffering, are far superior.

            “Jesus wept” (John 11:35 ESV). Over the death of his friend, and probably in light of the pain it caused his living friends, Lazarus’ sisters, Mary and Martha. Even in the Garden of Gethsemane, before the cross, He cried out in anguish, real emotion, not stuffing it, but sharing it, with his Father. Grief is a good thing, part of life. We were created with emotions—to deny or suppress them and the flip side, to give yourself completely over to them—is to refuse a key aspect of humanity.

            In hindsight, I can already see the “worth of weeping” in my own life. Almost exactly two years after my loss, I was surprised to discover Christ already using my time of weeping to help me identify with a good friend who was going through one of the darkest seasons in their life—gut-wrenching grief and loss. In a sense, I had been there (not at all circumstantially, but in the dark grief), lifelong loss is a process. It changes you in every way. I was stunned by the realization that already Jesus was using my weeping in the lives around me. Even now, I can draw upon that season with a thankful heart. It allows me to identify with my Savior in ways I never could before.

                                    So, what is the worth of weeping?

            Can it be summed up? I think it is a facet of Paul’s word to the Corinthians that our “light and momentary suffering works for a more exceeding weight of glory” (2 Corinthians 4:17). Additionally, the gut wrenching grief and weeping-tears and snot flowing, sobbing, is a state of real emotion, honesty, transparency- not in spite of the pain but because of it. Once experienced it changes you—causes you to see the depth of pain and cultivates empathy. It also opens your eyes to Biblical passages on weeping because you can identify with them. Personally, weeping also caused me to look at grace in a new way—to see just how much I need from my Savior and how hard I can be on myself. All too easily I adopt the world’s standard for myself to “get over it”. Truth is, we never do “get over” lifelong loss—we get through it; daily, hourly. “Grief is a spiral”, as C.S. Lewis articulates, and it “feels so like fear” (A Grief Observed). But fear is an opportunity to trust—to entrust our uncertainties, our suffering, to Christ. He’s been there. He knows the worth of weeping; its necessity and the myriad of its rewards, that it really does carry with it an “eternal weight of glory”. Weeping’s worth is eternal and earthly pain often leads to heavenly longing; a yearning for Christ and his promises. Weeping is worth it.

From the Archive: "Swim through it, not over it" March 25, 2010

           True for Marlin and Dory, true for us. I have been increasingly convicted that we need to “swim through trials” and not attempt to swim over them. We need to trek on in the desert instead of aimlessly wandering for water and chasing mirages. Sometimes we are put into a season of drought, uncertainty, and waiting that seems like a spiritual desert or being loss at sea. You don’t know which way is up north, south, or where you’re headed. It can be a scary place to be.

            In light of this, I think many Old Testament texts can be wonderful explanations for the importance of remembering, resisting, and the reward in the end. God constantly calls his people to remember how He worked in the past, to resist temptation to go their own way in the present, and to travel on in trust knowing that there is a reason and reward for our trials.

            This has hit me in countless ways in the past week. From a wonderful recount of a sermon by the discipleship coordinator on how God led His people the long way to the Promised Land, and the necessity of that. He could have let them around the northern rim of the Red Sea but he chose to take them south. He chose, to reveal his power by parting the Red Sea and thus encouraging them with the strength of their God and his Sovereignty over all things.   In His omnipotence He knew that they needed these demonstrations for courage and trust in the future. Not only that, due to their sins they were stuck in the desert for 40 years. Sometimes we’re stuck in a season of distress because of our own ignorance, sin, and lack of trust. God uses these desert times to teach us about His power and love (Deuteronomy 4). It is why we must swim through the trials, because the swimming leads to endurance and trust, in greater strength and security than if we didn’t suffer or have to wait.

            By no means is this easy, but it is essential. Paul tells the Romans that “suffering produces endurance, endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not disappoint…” (adapted from Rom. 5:1-4).  Within this there will be much temptation. Temptation to: rebel, to check out, to find our own way, and to take the easiest way out of pain, instead of trusting and persevering. I think some of the easiest temptations in our culture are laziness, comfort, and blame-shifting. Our culture prides itself on the “power of the individual” while simultaneously giving us excuses to blame society, our social circles, and our genes. Yes, those things undoubtedly influence us and can be part of our trials, but they do not define our capacity to trust God. He does not change and we must remember in order to resist. Remembering how He’s “parted the Red Sea” for us in the past is a huge weapon in combating our excuses and fears. He has not changed since those times where we so clearly saw Him working. Write down how He’s worked and read over it when the temptation to despair and have tunnel “desert vision” of your trials. Personally, this has caused me to have a renewed trust in who God is and what He does, He pulled through in the past when I didn’t see a way out—and his steadfast love has not changed- it endures forever! 

            Lastly, we must work for the reward, namely, to enjoy God for who He is, not solely for what He’s done and will do for us. The Bible calls us to “rejoice in the Lord!” This does not mean we deny that our circumstances are hard, but signals a trust that God is sovereign over them and that they WILL and DO have a purpose. Just like the Israelites needed the long way to the Promised Land, we need our circumstances to cultivate fortitude and faith.  The Israelites could not see the importance of their wandering until it was in the past, likewise, we often do not see the fruits of our trials until much later—but they will be there. I encourage you to remember how God has worked in the past, resist the temptation to give up and give into the “quick fix”, and to trust and wait for the reward of your suffering. It will be much, and will cause you to taste and see that the Lord is good and to enjoy Him in new ways.

                                    Swim through it, not over it.

Deuteronomy 4:32-40  ³²"For ask now of the days that are past, which were before you, since the day that God created man on the earth, and ask from one end of heaven to the other, whether such a great thing as this has ever happened or was ever heard of. ³³Did any people ever hear the voice of a god speaking out of the midst of the fire, as you have heard, and still live? ³⁴Or has any god ever attempted to go and take a nation for himself from the midst of another nation, by trials, by signs, by wonders, and by war, by a mighty hand and an outstretched arm, and by great deeds of terror, all of which the LORD your God did for you in Egypt before your eyes? ³⁵To you it was shown, that you might know that the LORD is God; there is no other besides him. ³⁶ Out of heaven he let you hear his voice, that he might discipline you. And on earth he let you see his great fire, and you heard his words out of the midst of the fire. ³⁷And because he loved your fathers and chose their offspring after them and brought you out of Egypt with his own presence, by his great power, ³⁸⁽ driving out before you nations greater and mightier than yourselves, to bring you in, to give you their land for an inheritance, as it is this day, ³⁹know therefore today, and lay it to your heart, that the LORD is God in heaven above and on the earth beneath; there is no other. ⁴⁰ Therefore you shall keep his statutes and his commandments, which I command you today, that it may go well with you and with your children after you, and that you may prolong your days in the land that the LORD your God is giving you for all time."

The Mercy of Mystery

           Over the last few years I have become increasingly aware of the fact that mystery is a necessary and inevitable aspect of life. Try as we may we can never fully plan our lives out. Our planners can be full of activities, “to do” lists, and good intentions that never end; and are almost always derailed or delayed by the unpredictable characteristics of life.  Usually we respond with frustration, rooted in pride and fear. We want to maintain our illusion of control in an attempt for “certainty” and security. But it always fails—interrupted by tragedy and occasionally triumph—leaving our sense of control in shambles. I’ve learned the one thing we can control is our response; anger or acceptance, fear or trust.

            Personally, it has been through my hearing loss and other circumstances (unexpected death in the family, lack of funding for school, for instance) that I have been confronted with my idol of control and received much mercy from my Savior. It is in the midst of life’s pain and uncertainties that we are forced to examine where our true sources of hope, fulfillment, and security lie. Is it  in my abilities, friendships/relationships, vocation, health? And if so, the lack of or stress in each of those areas causes quite an emotional upheaval when they are threatened or lost. Security is quickly shaken when its foundation is in temporal and unpredictable things. Through struggle in each of those areas in my own life the mercy of mystery has been revealed.

            When life is turned upside-down it is an opportunity for our vision and perspective to become right-side-up. In one of my last classes at Trinity Western University, my professor opened a discussion on “how do you know what you know?” and included the facet of mystery- rhetorically asking if we were comfortable or at least accepting of the truth that all of life contains mystery. “Are you okay with mystery in your life? Can you admit that there are things you simply cannot know, and are you okay with that?” While that discussion was well over a year and a half ago, its impact was lasting. A couple of years prior I had discovered my hearing loss and because of that, gone through a rough season of wrestling with mystery. “Would I lose all my hearing? If so, when? Will I ever hear my husband (heck, will I ever get married?!) tell me he loves me or hear the laughter of my children?” For quite some time those questions frequently haunted my thoughts. Not that I was necessarily trying to solve them, --but reconcile them by having “plans” in place so I could “deal with” with their possible presence in my life.  It was a miserable way to live. Living in “what if’s” cripples our freedom to live in the present.

            It was in the weeks after that class discussion that I began to see Christ’s mercy in mystery. You see, when we are in the throws of suffering and all its pain and uncertainty, we are in a place where we can begin to build our security on a true, sure foundation—namely, Christ. In His infinite mercy He allows mystery, suffering, and shambled sources of security so we can see Him, cling to Him, put our security in Him. The Bible is filled with examples of this. Oh, but we have a choice-we can choose new, fallacious idols of security. For a time, mine was in diet and exercise—a good thing made a “god thing” in an attempt to “regain mastery” over a body that was suddenly physically failing me in my hearing. In the same way, Jesus mercifully enters into each of our sufferings in order to redeem them to draw us to Himself.  In His mercy He allows idols to fall so we can see His provision and certainty. 

            Presently, my life is still full of mystery—those haunting questions of my early years of loss are still there. But instead of temptations to doubt and fear—they are tethers, reminders to trust in the midst of mystery. I have to thank Jesus for mystery, from my Saturday evening plans to a hope for marriage—mystery prevails in the details but is purposeful and addressed by prayer.

            So, are you okay with mystery? Can you see it as a means of mercy rather than a maddening cycle? I pray so; for in mystery there is great purpose and mercy don’t miss it.

From the Archive: I want you. I want all of you, forever, you and me, everyday. December 6, 2009

 This post is # 2 in a series of posts I've entitled "From the Archive" where I am posting earlier writings from the last three years or so.

            Ok, I know this is from The Notebook. Girls swoon, guys roll their eyes. But imagine a different story.
            Someone willing to give up everything for you. Someone who willingly leaves their throne and glory just to prove their love for you. Someone who created you willing to serve you. Someone who doesn’t say that line just to satisfy their own fleshly desires and boost their ego because of their need to be needed. But someone willing to give up everything because they know that without their relationship you will always be unsatisfied, lonely, hurt, and condemned. Someone who really thinks you are “to die for” and proves it. By dying in the most agonizing way possible- slowly, suffocating- and that’s after being whipped to where he is unrecognizable. Who could reject this display of perfect love? Someone willing to die because He truly wants “all of you, forever, everyday”.
                                    Fact is we reject him everyday.
            We are too easily satisfied with quick fixes and cheap substitutes that we’re sure will meet our needs. We dare to turn away and say to him “actually, even though you created me, I know better…THIS will satisfy me”. And pretty soon, we’re right back where we started- lonely, hurt, humiliated, and unsatisfied. We need to stop looking around and look up. Open up the book by your bed that is just waiting to reveal how loved you are- loved to your core by the one who created those desires you so long to be fulfilled. Jesus never stops pursuing us. He is waiting to heal our wounds and our loneliness with His perfect love. Ladies-you want to be pursued- you already are- receive it. Men- recognize that you are loved and can be satisfied- in Christ, and then, with His example, pursue the woman (one ;-) ) He directs you to.
            This truth broke me this weekend. Of course, it took several different ways of conveying the same message- but that is just an example of how much Jesus pursues us- He is willing to do what it takes for us to see our complete need for Him. He truly is amazing, astonishing, and awesome (as my pastor proclaimed today). He truly does want to seal our hearts with His perfect love. For the first time I have been able to truly get a taste of this perfect love that casts out all fear. See, I’d been anxious in the past- always asking God for “his heart” for a situation or person- without even considering the prayer of asking Him to first take all of my heart. My prayer is that from this moment on this truth is branded on my heart. That I am saved, and loved with perfect love that cannot be taken from me. Will I forget, and like Peter let fear and uncertainty cause me to look around instead of above, most likely. Will Jesus change, stop pursing me, and give up- never. Hear that- NEVER.
            My prayer is that each of you who reads this will be rocked by Jesus’ love for you. His perfect love that casts out fear and proves its steadfastness- all the way to the cross. Receive it. Ask Him to reveal it to you. Be freed from the pursuit of idols and cheep imitations that, as Lewis rightly articulated lead to an “ever increasing desire with an ever diminishing pleasure”. Entrust your heart to the only one who can truly satisfy. Repent from your distrust and guarded hearts- and receive the love from the only one who truly does “want all of you, forever, everyday”.

From the Archives: my first piece of writing after discovering my hearing loss

Convictions, Change, Concerts, and Grace April 7, 2008

            It’s often said that our lives come in seasons: some full of growth and new revelations like spring that yields the cherry trees just about to burst into full bloom on campus, others like winter- so dreary, desolate, and so full of snow or conflict that you can't even see a foot in front of you.
            This past semester has definitely been a "winter" for me. In the beginning of January I found out that at 20 years old I needed hearing aids. I have a genetic loss that's something I've had my whole life but only recently, in the past few years, resulted in a significant diminishing of my hearing that could actually leave me completely deaf; there's just no way to tell. Basically, the audiologist didn't know how I lasted this long without them and remarked that "He had no idea how I would survive if were to take a foreign language", ironically I'm minoring in Spanish. Anyway, in February I got hearing aids for the first time in my life. It has been one of the most overwhelming two months of my life as I have not only adjusted to the new world of sound around me, but also come to grips with the amount of stuff I had been missing. Another aspect has been the acknowledgment of how much anxiety I've carried as my hearing as worsened. Its hard to explain the panic I experienced when forced to converse in dimly lit rooms or in a large group setting. I'd like to fancy myself wonder woman and aver that "I'm fine" and that "It's been easy. no big deal" but the reality is that this change has caused me to grow and rely on God in so many new ways. Its been a humbling process of accepting the change, trusting God's plan, and letting go of my own desires and feeble grasp on life when I should give it up completely to Christ. It has also been a completely convicting experience as I have become acutely aware of my own pride and self-reliance that only lead to self-pity and bitterness. Sure, I could wallow and whine "why me" but that's just the problem- far too often I am focused on myself instead of realizing just how blessed I am. Recently, I was at starbucks and a lady caught my eye. She was a wheelchair bound dwarf who also had hearing aids. Her daily struggle to just get a cup of coffee helped me realized just how amazingly blessed I am. See, I was diagnosed as a dwarf but from what I hear, people prayed and while I'm short, I'm not a dwarf. Her persistence and self-sufficiency were inspiring.
            This season has also been one of changes in relationships since often friends are put into your life for specific times. While its sad when those fall apart- I have the choice to get bitter and hurt only myself by not letting go of how they hurt me, or I can choose to forgive and be thankful for the way they were able to bless me for the time we were close. Often, those voids are replaced by new friends or filled by the old ones. I am eternally grateful for the people God has placed in my life, whether in the past, now, future, or all three.
            The final aspect of all of this is a new understanding of Grace. it has been amazing to be a recipient of grace in so many avenues throughout this adjustment. From friends who listened,  to those who encouraged, and not to mention all the grace from professors. I think its one of the hardest things to receive grace, after all, by its definition its something we don't deserve. What has been most intriguing is learning to give grace to myself, for often I'm my hardest critic and the least likely to be pleased with my efforts. Sure, its easy to see others' circumstances as impacting their performance or actions but its just as appealing to say that we're able to "rise above" them without little impact. Once again; a humbling experience.
            Finally, I may just be in the "carpe diem" stage of adjusting where I want to take advantage of my hearing, since I don't know how long it will last, but going to the Rascal Flatts and Taylor Swift concert last weekend was such a blessing. (While I'm not dwelling on the fact that I could lose all my hearing, it is something I need to acknowledge so that if it doest happen, I'm not completely caught of guard). Anyway, music is such an integrated aspect of any person’s life and it was/is such a blessing to enjoy, participate, and work through seasons of life with music.
            All this said, while this season has been a tough one on so many levels- emotionally, physically, socially, and academically, to name a few. I count myself blessed beyond measure, not only for the answer of prayer through hearing aids, but also by the grace of God that is so richly lavished on me in more ways than I could ever deserve, count, or imagine. I can't wait for the next season of life, whatever it brings. Hopefully, like those cherry trees, it'll explode in color and beauty.

Confidence and Clarity July 15, 2011

            I think one of the biggest lies Christians can face is that confidence and clarity are contingent—you get one, you get the other, you have both or neither. Personally, my circumstances the last month and week have shown me that confidence is clarity—confidence in Christ’s promises and character (his goodness, sovereignty, and providence) are the things that bring clarity—not having a certainty about our circumstances. When we approach each day that way—there is clarity in the midst of chaotic circumstances. When we call upon him and his promises we see his provision. This frees us to trust him—to step out of our comfort zones because we more clearly see Him. Falling on our faces in honest humility, crying out that “I can’t see two feet in front of me, but I know you provide, you are good, those who trust you lack no good thing (Psalm 34)” brings the clarity as we turn our focus from the uncertain circumstances to our certain Christ.

            I am so thankful for this week in Minneapolis. The provision has been so humbling and encouraging, often coming “at the last minute”, after I’ve exhausted my fleshly cycle of “freak out, panic, then prayer”. Through each meeting I was encouraged, blessed, and called out—to continue to step out of my comfort into the plan God has for me—known to eternity but revealed daily. Additionally, the girls I have stayed with have been such an example of grace and giving—true depictions of the body of Christ. I know I needed this trip to grow, to be out of my comfort zone—driving a large car, in an unknown city, to meet with people I had never met, to help me learn that confidence in Christ is the clarity I need. This is true in all things—from relationships to careers—each of which I found clarity as I entrusted them to Christ this week.

            As I prepare to fly home tonight, I am praying these lessons take root—that I continue to have my confidence rooted in Christ, not in grasping for certainty and clarity through my circumstances. I am so thankful fur the tangible reminder this week has been to the provision and certainty of Christ.

Stumbling Submission: The perilous journey of learning to walk by faith July 15, 2011

        It has been a whirlwind few months. Where I am today is not at all where I would have expected to be three months ago-but it’s exactly where He wants me. These times of “comfort upheaval” are trying but purposeful, agonizing and freeing- akin to a toddler taking their first steps. Three months ago I was “full speed ahead” on my plans- finish out the school year with a family, grad school comin’ right up. Now: I’m sitting in Minneapolis, grad school off the radar for now, and prayerfully thanking Jesus for the purposeful pain that the last months, weeks, and days have contained. Its not about picking up the pieces of my plans—rather its trusting that they’ve fallen apart so something better can fall together. While its been painful to see things about myself these past three months (pride in my abilities, persevering to prove myself, and a general distrust of God’s goodness in his plans and purposes, to name a few). I am so thankful. In the past I would have been embarrassed—that I couldn’t persevere with the family, didn’t get a teaching position, and read into others’ words and actions things they were never trying to say. But I don’t have to be embarrassed because its not about proving myself- its about walking in His providence- humbly admitting that I am in constant need of his guidance and grace.

            Through all of this I’ve been freed—to realize, accept, believe that ALL things work for His glory and my good—always. Like my pastor stated a few months ago “…your mistakes and dumb decisions didn’t separate you from God’s plan, they were a part of it…to help (you) realize (your) need for Him”. So, how can I not thank Him for the struggle, the stumbling, the falling? Like the toddler, they are painful but so purposeful—they lead to something greater—walking. Walking in confidence that I am Christ’s, there is no condemnation—frequently consequences for my mistakes, but even those are in the hands of a Savior who gave up everything to free us in Him.

            So, have these past three months hurt? Most definitely. Letting go of idols and pride always involve pain because so much is tied to them. But they’ve also been full of joy and awe—that Jesus does “will and work for his good pleasure”. From new families to work with to this current time in Minneapolis—a very tangible example of His provision and perfect timing; as well as the ever pressing and increasingly probable Kenya trip. I’ve learned through these trials that the stumbling is worth it. Jesus is FOR me—like the father encouraging his child to walk. Jesus is cheering me on—encouraging me because he is for me- my growth, joy, confidence in him. Stumbling, uncertain steps are guided by a loving father who knows that learning to walk in Him isn’t easy, but it’s eternally worth it.

Here I go

Well, after much thought, encouragement, and prayer here I am-- a "blogger". What this will entail and how it will stretch me has yet to be seen. What I can say is that God's hand is all over this- He is in each circumstance, from the big plans to the little details he is at work. My prayer is that my writing encourages, strengthens, and teaches as I am being taught by my savior and stretched to be more like him. May my circumstances and perspective reflect Christ to the world around me.
    Over the next few days/weeks I will be figuring this out, adding old writing, and new insights. Thanks for reading. I welcome feedback.