Random Musings

I've been negligent in writing for the last while. Life seems to speed up around the Holidays. I had a wonderful Thanksgiving with family and friends. I'm also so thankful for Christmas and the break from the usual pace. I love working with children, but I tend to be one of those people who goes full speed ahead until I get sick and run ragged. By God's grace I'm getting better at taking breaks and resting. I usually wait to write until inspiration strikes, but tonight I'm writing in more of a "stream of consciousness" mode, that will probably result in lists of gratitude and lessons I'm learning...let's see where this goes....

In no particular order:

1. I am SO thankful for community...for family, friends, and friends that are like family. While I was in college it took awhile to really get connected...especially into a church, and the last year and half at home, getting rooted in a church family (teaching sunday school, missional communities) has been such a blessing.   Additionally, being single, I'm so thankful for the families around me that have opened up their homes and hearts and trusted me with watching their kids...it's such a great learning experience...


2. I'm in the middle of some WONDERFUL books: Future Grace, by John Piper; You Can Change, Timothy Chester, Did I Kiss Marriage Goodbye? Carolyn McCulley, and Pride and Prejudice.  Each of these have been wonderful avenues of conviction, challenges, and growth.
        -It's also been so neat that my pastor's sermons on Romans have so coincided with the books I'm reading...all about being rooted in Christ, God's total Sovereignty over our circumstances (past, present, and future) and full of reminders that NOTHING is without purpose in this life. I don't want to waste my days, relationships, I want to entrust them to Him.


3. The Kenya dream is starting to come together...and it's been an amazing, humbling journey as the ball begins to move each time I let go of the wheel...we'll see what 2012 has in store.


4. Random Christmas musings: I cannot wait to watch "It's a Wonderful Life" which we watch every Christmas Eve...the message is such a great reminder of how blessed we are....; I love the old school Christmas music, Bing, Martin, etc. and re-reading/watching "The Best Christmas Pageant Ever". Driving around, looking at lights is one of my favorite things to do....along with anticipating the looks on the faces of the people I give gifts to.


Anyway, I'm off to watch a Christmas movie... Have a WONDERFUL Christmas

From the Archive: Notes on the first half of Proverbs 31, an equally amazing woman is exemplified. April 20, 2011

Today in my (mostly) daily Bible reading, I finished up the Book of Proverbs. Normally, this “31st chapter" is one many women approach with fear, guilt, shame, and disdain. We think, "who could ever actually live up to those standards?!" , and are exhausted before we even begin to read the “archaic” list, not to mention the formidable principles that undergird the culturally specific verses. A side note, one of the best books that I’ve read that has helped me delve into the “Proverbs 31 woman” is “Did I Kiss Marriage Goodbye” by Carolyn McCulley. With all that stated, today I was floored by a different woman in beginning of this passage, King Lemuel’s mother.
The first nine verses of Proverbs 31 are given the subheading of “The words of King Lemuel” but the first verse indicates that in actuality, the following principles/verses were words that his mother taught him. I was struck by the fact that this revealed a lot about Lemuel’s mother- she would have had to have been a woman who was intentional in her instruction of her son, and persistent enough that he had not only remembered her wisdom, but, furthermore, passed it on to others. What a legacy! The second verse has a key principle- “my son, what are you doing?”- namely, that we need to take stock of ourselves, our actions, words, and the heart behind them. This is requires insight and humility. The next few verses call her son to a high standard, to character that was achievable but also required diligence and because they were standards that surpassed common men, not suited for a King. Similarly, she not only calls her son to be one of character, but also one of action, who makes the most of his position and influence for good and for justice “open your mouth, judge righteously, defend the rights of the poor and needy”. What a mother! She could not have done this without personal character cultivation. She had to be a woman of wisdom; understanding, knowledge and insight to be see the necessity of imparting these truths to her son in a manner that caused him to see their importance without legalism. Centuries later we are recipients of her wisdom because of her legacy living. King Lemuel had to have memorized these words of wisdom, he could repeat them just like so many of us can repeat our mothers’ admonitions to “have a good day”, “drive safe”, etc. King Lemuel’s mother was one who definitely “trained up her son in the way he should go”. She was mindful of legacy living.

I did go on to finish the “Proverbs 31” woman passage and, as in the past, made aware of the fact that this is not meant to be a daunting, guilt and shame producing to-do list, rather, it is an exemplification of character. “out of the overflow of the heart, so a man speaks”. This woman is diligent, hard-working, discerning, self-sacrificing, and generous, among other traits, because of her underlying character. Its not about the tasks, its about the heart. She too, had a legacy, “her children rise up and call her blessed” (v. 28). She is not doing all these things TO BE an excellent wife! They are the overflow of a woman who knows her maker and is pleased to serve him in the circumstances around her. She is a woman who fears the Lord, and is to be aspired to- not because of her works, but because of her heart.

My prayer is that as Jesus continues to work in and through me, I too, would be mindful of “legacy living”. It starts today. It starts with my heart. It starts with my Savior.

December 8, 2011- I reposted this because I'm re-reading "Did I Kiss Marriage Goodbye" by Carolyn McCulley. In chapter 4 she makes an important note that King Lemuel's mother wrote this about the type of woman she wanted him to find, so it isn't really/just about a wife, but they type of woman every female can be, not based on circumstances. Single or married, I encourage you to check out this book.

An Apology to my Hearing Friends

As I sat reading and writing at one of my favorite local coffee shops today I was convicted about attitudes I've developed and ways I've adapted to this "new world" of being hard of hearing.

       I was convicted and reminded that my abilities will fade and my inabilities will always catch up to me. Pridefully boasting in my strengths and fumbling to cover up my weaknesses is exhausting and futile. I don't want to apologize for my hearing loss anymore. Yes, it's an inconvenience. Yes, it makes conversations awkward, but moreso the awkwardness a result of my pride, not my physical loss. It is pride that would rather bluff my way through conversations in noisy environments than be honest about what I'm missing. Pride fearfully screams at me that if I'm honest and ask for help people will see me as less, a burden rather than an asset. Pride finds my worth in my abilities instead of my identity as an image-bearer of Christ.

So today I offer you an apology.

Forgive me for being stubborn, prideful, and dishonest about my hearing loss. Forgive me for bluffing through dinner conversations, for not having the humility to ask for clarity when I mishear you ten times in a row. Forgive me for letting my fear of being an inconvenience hinder our connection and for not trusting your friendship.  Forgive me for not asking for the help I need (captions, conversation catch up or summary) out of fearing you wont want to help.

Additionally, I'm asking you to help me. In love, please come alongside me in this noisy, holiday season. Please call me out on my bluffing by asking if I understood when I look confused and reminding me that my hearing loss doesn't make me less. Please let me in on your struggles. I promise to do my best to listen, to be honest, to trust Jesus in my loss and entrust to Him you, the people he's placed around me. There are and will be times when we are both frustrated, hurting, in need of a dose of humility and grace.

To my hearing (and reading) friends, thank you for listening.

Elise

The Glad Game

I can't help but reflect to night on how blessed and thankful I am for so many things I take for granted in my life. Without further ado, in anticipation for a wonderful day with my parents and friends, and in no particular order, is a smattering of things, as they come to mind, that I am thankful for this Thanksgiving:

Jesus is faithful when I am not, His grace is sufficient, my Parents, my Grandparents, my extended family, friends that are like family, coffee, used book stores, the smiles and laughter from each of the kids I work with, the fact that watching a child learn something new/be able to do something after weeks of therapy is the most rewarding thing, teaching Sunday school, the honesty of a child, painting, free time to paint/write, the fresh smell of the grass after rain, beautiful puget sound, travelling, alki beach, autumn leaves, a car that works, the hearing I have left, the technology that enables me to hear, a job I love, the colors, the diversity of nature, a good education, community, and so much more.



Some of my Favorite quotes about thankfulness:

When we were children we were grateful to those who filled our stockings at Christmas time. Why are we not grateful to God for filling our stockings with legs? ~G.K. Chesterton
You say grace before meals. All right. But I say grace before the concert and the opera, and grace before the play and pantomime, and grace before I open a book, and grace before sketching, painting, swimming, fencing, boxing, walking, playing, dancing and grace before I dip the pen in the ink. ~G.K. Chesterton
If a fellow isn't thankful for what he's got, he isn't likely to be thankful for what he's going to get. ~Frank A. Clark
We often take for granted the very things that most deserve our gratitude. ~Cynthia Ozick

“I thank God for my handicaps, for, through them, I have found myself, my work, and my God” Helen Keller

The Pilgrims came to America not to accumulate riches but to worship God, and the greatest wealth they left unborn generations was their heroic example of sacrifice that their souls might be free.--Harry Moyle Tippett

Contentment is a Choice November 17, 2011

             The last few weeks have been really busy. The usual work, substitute teaching, a wedding, baby showers, Sunday School teaching, and attempting to fit in decent work outs have filled these soggy, dark, November days. To top it off, Thanksgiving is a week away. Naturally, I tend to reflect this time of year—on what the year has contained and how blessed I am, but it’s also a season of remembering loss. I am just about a month away from the four year anniversary of finding out about my degenerative hearing loss. With each year new insights and feelings spring up; it’s akin to losing a family member but different in many ways; I am still here, thanks be to God I have some hearing left, and I have grown in countless ways. However, in the areas of my loss, and in singleness, I continually come back to the importance of choosing contentment.

            Yes, contentment is a choice, a lesson hard learned. Praying for it is like praying for patience or humility—get ready for a rough yet worthwhile ride. Some days choosing contentment is easy—days with friends, family, sunshine, a good book, milestones with the kids at work; others are a battle—embarrassment-riddled mishearing, traffic, wallowing in loneliness (also a choice), get me sidetracked from joy as I focus on what I don’t have as opposed to what I do. This week and day has been a battle. Maybe it’s another holiday season of singleness, missing family and friendships that have changed; but ultimately it comes down to choosing contentment. Choosing to rest in Christ comes by being rooted in His word, promises, and hope. I am ridiculously blessed. Like Paul, I have all I need to be content. I want to choose contentment. Like one of my TWU professors articulated “being alone is a condition, loneliness is a choice”. I may not have a “significant other” but I do have many significant others in my life—from family to friends and the precious children I work with. So I am committed to choosing contentment. It is a choice that is not rooted in my circumstances, but in Christ.

The Fine Line between Idolatry and Desire November 17, 2011

           As a 24 year old single in the church, one of the things that has struck me is the tendency for people I meet, usually married, to assume or flippantly articulate that “maybe having a relationship is an idol for you…” when I express my desire to get married, have a family. To be honest, that is very possible, and something I freely admit I need to guard against and frequently ask the Holy Spirit to search my heart about. I know it is not ultimate, will never satisfy/complete me, etc. What bothers me is when already married or “married at a young age”, often well-meaning people throw the “idol” line out as a means of ending an awkward conversation where they don’t want to give “false hopes” destined to hang in the air. For the longest time I was fearful to, and felt shame in, admitting that I desire those things. Maybe I was afraid of the “idol card” and didn’t want to face an awkward conversation where I was apt to respond emotionally in a way I didn’t mean to but saying things I meant. It’s taken awhile, but I now can admit that I do desire marriage, and I know that the desire isn’t wrong.  I wish I could have a conversation about desiring it without the “idol card” being one of the first things mentioned. The pain of not being pursued is real, at times it is agonizing to have “guy friends” but nothing more (something my last post touched on, and the views there are ones I am committed to implementing with discernment). It is often embarrassing to have people assume I don’t have a date for weddings or other events. Regardless, I am thankful.

            I’m thankful that this points me to Jesus. It reminds me that my ultimate joy must be from my relationship with Him. The marriage I desire is an echo of Eden—the true oneness with my Creator that I was made for. The Holy Spirit knows my hurt, my desires, and where my heart truly lies. HE will test, He will provide all I need. He is my Hope. There is no formula but there is a form “Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths” (Proverbs 3:5-6).

            There will definitely be times when, in the context of accountable relationships and community, I need the “idol card” played; my sinful nature gravitates towards settling for things, rather than savoring Christ. There will also be times of hurting in the waiting,when I'll need people willing to grieve, not wallow, with me in the real pain that being alone can bring.  The fact is that this may not be just a season; this unmet desire may persist to point me to Christ in ways that I wouldn’t happen if I had a relationship. I am thankful my singleness is in the hands of an infinitely loving Savior.

The Intentional Man

I had three posts pour out of me today and may put up another, but I wanted to post this. My good friend Emily and I are starting to go through a book together that I read a year and a half ago by Carolyn McCulley titled "Did I  Kiss Marriage Goodbye". As I flipped through it today this section stood out to me again...emphasis is mine...I thought it was worth sharing...since it seems like such a prevalent issue in churches and for young adult Christians today...the entirety of the book centers on how Christian single women can cultivate qualities of the "Proverbs 31" woman right now...not waiting for when they get into a relationship or marriage.

The Intentional Man
If you are fortunate, you know a few tested noble men. What remains is whether or not they are being intentional toward you. The "problem" with godly men is that they are so markedly different--gentlemanly, kind, attentive--from most men in our culture that it's hard to not receive it personally. I see that over and over again in my church as new women join. Inevitably, one of the guys will offer to walk a woman to her car after a meeting. These women usually have one of two reactions. Either they will refuse the offer because they think the guy is interested, or they will light up like Times Square because they think he is interested. What they don't know is that there is a third option: He's not interested--just extending gentlemanly care. Because they don't know the culture, it's easy to be confused.
The point is, an intentional man makes his purposes known. He tells you what he's doing and where he's leading. He is clear about where he wants the relationship to go. When he's not clear when he's not saying anything, when he's enjoying the friendship but not moving forward--he's not being intentional. Period. You don't see noble deeds because he's not making those noble plans. You may have the greatest friendship in the world, but he's just hanging out in it. In fact, one man (a Christian) called this half-hearted testing of the water "the buddy approach," which he indulged for a number of years with the woman he eventually married:

"I crafted what I thought was an ingenious approach to women: the "buddy approach"...I saw it as a safe way to take a chance--to see if a relationship could grow without the pressure of formal dating and terms like "boyfriend" or "girlfriend." If the friendship began to disappoint, I could always just say, "Oh, maybe you misunderstood me, we're just friends"...to make matters worse, my expectations for women were set by movies and magazine covers that caused me to fantasize about perfection and overlook the real available women right in front of me.
I realized that honesty about the deep friendship I enjoyed with Candice meant I had to quit looking out of the corner of my eye for other options. She deserved my full attention. Traditional wedding vows often include the phrase, "forsaking all others as long as we both shall live." I knew I needed to start practicing the art of "forsaking."'

I know how tempting it is to hang out in these undefined friendships where the best you can get is a blurry, part-time boyfriend. At least some attention is better than none, right? Nope, sorry, I'm no longer convinced of that. For one, I find it challenging to guard my heart and keep my peace before God in these "hopeful friendships." I'm always in danger of closing my fist-of-demand over the friendship. Second, it tempts the men to passivity, in my opinion. It provides them with the out of "oh, maybe you misunderstood me, we're just friends." If we women would be better about guarding the amount of time and attention invested in these close friendships, we might see our reserve rewarded with pursuit instead of passivity.

...When is a man interested? When he says so and his actions back up his words. Anything less is at best merely friendly, and possibly even uncertain or inconsiderate. If he's a noble man who's made noble plans, one of his noble deeds is letting you know about it!" (p.88-90)


Any thoughts?

From the Archive: Songbirds are Taught to Sing in the Darkness March 11, 2011

              One of the most interesting facets of my hearing loss is how it never ceases to reveal new aspects of myself. My fallen nature: irritability, anger, fear, despair, to name a few. It is something that is all-encompassing in how it transforms your life-not just surface things like wearing aids, but. From how you approach conversations (great lighting and the less background noise the better); to chosen entertainment: books and board games, less movies/plays; and even recreation: swimming is now terrifying and outdoor exercise is weather permitting (imagine running a 5K with an umbrella) since wearing a hood leads to maddening aid feedback. Dinners in restaurants are now anxiety producing and embarrassment riddled when the waiter asks how you want your burger done and you respond with "just water, thanks". You see, this loss is not just in your ears, its all-encompassing, and after 3 years, it gets a little overwhelming. You can only take so much of the daily struggles before the foundation of what you are is challenged.  Core things that keep you grounded and sane are suddenly on shaky ground, confiidence eroding. Knowing you're a capable adult is assaulted by the constant reminder of all the little things you're now incapable of-- and the scale begins to tip because of the weighty evidence that builds each day. Eventually, it's not just characteristics that defined you, like loving going to movies, concerts, dinners, swimming, etc., that are crumbling, but more deeply, your identity. All those little questions turn into a big one- who am I now? I'm not as capable, confident, care-free, and competent as I once was- and what does that mean?  You cannot see yourself the same when your life is turned upside down. Your very identity is in a limbo.

            Personally, I began to believe I was second-rate. As the days and years drug on, the embarrassment, incapability, and challenges seemed to separate me from the pack, like a zebra in quicksand. I couldn't escape and a life with my dreams as tangible seemed like a deceptive mirage. My friends and family were unable to help, and life seemed to be pretty hopeless- because who wants to strive for something unattainable? So there I sat, bleating for help but not believing it would come, or, if it did, it would be like my aids- an immense help to "making-do" with life, but not really "solving" the problem or giving hope- much less get my identity on solid ground. But see, that outlook- hopeless and jaded, leads you to isolation, sure sinking in the quicksand, and not even attempting to grasp the rope. The fight makes you sink faster, relaxing, being still in the turmoil helps you to see, buys you time, gives you hope. Thrashing in terror thwarts the tangible truths around you. But sometimes I think you need the despair to truly appreciate the hope. you need to know what its like to be hopeless, to feel second-rate, before the glorious hope, acceptance, love, and purpose of Jesus can really take root.

            This past week, I finally stopped thrashing and grabbed the rope, I have been pulled to hope. When I was at my darkest- unable to even articulate the assault the loss had put on my identity (with fear in the workplace of being more of a burden than an asset, feeling like a charity case friend rather than a needed comrade), Jesus pulled me out. In the span of 48 hours I had a new hope through two divine appointments: one, a conversation, and one with a neurolotogist, as well as a window to a dream- acceptance into a masters program for teaching early childhood special education. All these under-girded by a wonderful week with family who I know love me unconditionally. These things drastically changed the balance of the scale of hope. With a triumphant thud my identity was grounded from the years of limbo. No longer could the daily fears, embarrassment, and changes outweigh the evidence of my capability and purpose. To be honest, it felt too good to be true. Did I really have hope, purpose? Was I really "first-rate" and needed, with my limitations and all? Old habits and thoughts die hard. Would Jesus really be my rescue, my hope, NOW? Not only had my outlook on life been challenged, but more centrally, my view of my Savior. His character and provision, the goodness of his grace. I almost didn't want to believe these new hopes, provisions, because they were so unmerited-but, that's the point, the beauty of grace.

             My prayer is that these truths take root and are as constant as the ringing in my ears. May I continue to renew my mind and be transformed, rooted in the Christ who never ceases to save me.

In reference to the title, and included ink sketch I drew yesterday, here is one of my favorite quotes by Oswald Chambers, but quoted in "In This Mountain" by Jan Karon

At times God puts us through the discipline of darkness to teach us to heed Him. Songbirds are taught to sing in the dark and we are put into the shadow of God's hand until we learn to hear Him...watch when God puts you into darkness, and when you are there keep your mouth shut. Are you in the dark just now in your circumstances, or in your walk with God? Then remain quiet...when you are in the dark, listen, and God will give you a very precious message for someone else when you get in the light- Oswald Chambers

      

"Prayer Answered by Crosses" by John Newton

Its been a busy week, and getting busier...teaching, subbing, bachelorette party, and a wedding, on top of sunday school planning make for a pleasantly full and exhausting week. Additionally, I have been doing a lot of thinking about friendships, life, the future...I don't want to waste my days, my relationships, my gifts...anyway, this poem I read by John Newton has continually popped up in my mind the last few days and I thought I'd share it.

Prayer Answered by Crosses
I ask'd the Lord, that I might grow
In faith, and love, and ev'ry grace,
Might more of his salvation know,
And seek more earnestly his face.

'Twas he who taught me thus to pray,
And he, I trust has answer'd pray'r;
But it has been in such a way,
As almost drove me to despair.

I hop'd that in some favour'd hour,
At once he'd answer my request:
And by his love's constraining pow'r,
Subdue my sins, and give me rest.

Instead of this. he made me feel
The hidden evils of my heart;
And let the angry pow'rs of hell
Assault my soul in ev'ry part.

Yea more, with his own hand he seem'd
Intent to aggravate my woe;
Cross'd all the fair designs I schem'd,
Blasted my gourds, and laid me low.

Lord, why is this, I trembling cry'd,
Wilt thou pursue thy worm to death?
"'Tis in this way," the Lord reply'd,
"I answer pray'r for grace and faith.

"These inward trials I employ,
"From self and pride to set thee free;
"And break thy schemes of earthly joy,
"That thou mayst seek thy all in me."

Uprooted to be Replanted November 4, 2011

            I’m about to get really honest…this week has been one of internal upheaval. The past few months, okay, really on and off since graduation at TWU, have been littered with intervals of an “early adulthood crisis” of “what am I doing with my life?!” followed by periods of apathy and eventually acceptance. Additionally, it’s been so easy to fall into the trap of comparison. Comparing myself to people who seem to “have it all together” who are in graduate school, getting married, having kids, or starting that career; while I live at home after completing a BA and working in a job I love, with children with disabilities, but really don’t have clear directions for the “next step for me”. Thankfully, God in his infinite graciousness; let me go through these past 18 months. He let me see where looking for others' (my parents, old college professors, co-workers, and friends) approval or acknowledgement of my “success” as a post grad adult would really take me. It led to discouragement, isolation at times, and often hopelessness and futility. This was exactly what I needed to see-- the hollowness of putting my acceptance and identity in anything or person besides the atonement of Christ and HIS view of me.

              Similarly, this season has uprooted every way I defined myself. Sure, I am a sinner saved by Grace, but only after you realize your depravity do you know the weight of salvation, what you’re saved from. Like John Newton, you’re able to say “…I am a great sinner, and Christ is a great Savior”. Growing up in the Church was a tremendous blessing. I can see how Christ has saved me from so many things, I am so blessed. But the fact that I have “always known” about Christ and his work caused me to be “religious” in a lot of ways, and while I believed at the early age of 3, I quickly became religious. Like Martin Lloyd-Jones relates throughout his work, Spiritual Depression, those raised in the church tend to miss justification, moving prematurely onto a focus on sanctification without realizing the totality of their justification. He also states that your temperament doesn’t change when you become a Christian, but your relationship to it does; it does not rule you. My tendency is to want to succeed, and to want others to acknowledge it. From an early age, I remember wanting more than anything for my mother to delight in the things I did, to take notice of my efforts. This carried over into a pride in school work and, as I began to be teased in third and fourth grade, to prove that I could handle it, I was strong enough. I wanted to show the world that a 4’ 10” “almost dwarf” could play sports, could be a “good Christian girl”. I was blinded by my pride and deafened by my futile attempts to find lasting worth and acceptance in anyone but the loving, patient Savior who called me by name. It was easy to go with that flow as long as life was mapped out: high school turned to college, and then….what?

            After college, I tried to continue on my “to-do” list for life. Persevere with hearing loss, check; apply to grad school, check; attempt to get to know new people, get involved in a church, check. Then….well, 18 months later, I’m not in grad school because of financial reasons, and presently I’m not foreseeable acquisition of moving out, getting married anytime soon, you know, the other “markers” of a “successful” mid-twenty year old. It was a pretty bleak place to be. Thankfully, Christ has worked to uproot this, exposing the prideful, achieving nature I have through the frustration and hollow “fulfillment” that fleeting human approval brings. Ironically enough, the people in my life who I wanted to impress with my accomplishments and prove my worth to, like Christ love and accept me often in spite of those things. Yesterday I read one of the later chapters in Spiritual Depression titled, “In God’s Gymnasium” where Lloyd-Jones describes how God disciplines those he loves. He examines, and works us to work his character in us. Often, this takes the form of chastisement. He allows us to be disciplined so we can grow. It is painful but infinitely purposeful. I am so thankful for this season where I was uprooted, the dirt of my depravity was (and I know will continue to be) revealed so that I may be rooted in the only one who can truly satisfy all my desires and cleanse my unrighteousness. He is the perfect physician, as C.S. Lewis states, who “hurts to heal’, who uproots to truly root us in righteousness.

Some of my favorite photos from my favorite season

Redeeming Love

      At 2:45 AM on Wednesday I finished re-reading one of my favorite books, Redeeming Love, by Francine Rivers. It’s a “Christian classic” piece of fiction set during the gold rush in California based on the Biblical story of the Prophet Hosea and his wife who was a prostitute, Gomer. The first time I read the book I did so in 1 day, 8 hours, pulling myself away to tend to basic needs. It is an exceptional work that will break you, shape you, and change the way you look at redemption, the depth of God’s love for you and sovereignty in your life. Yes, it’s that good. I’ve decided that reading it needs to be one of those things I make a point of doing at least once a year, like watching It’s a Wonderful Life every Christmas. Below are some of the quotes that stood out to me. Trust me, it’s worth the read, just make sure you have a good chunk of time set aside to read it, you won’t want to put it down.

“...for some of us, one mile can be more to walk than thirty.”

“As gentle a man as he was, as tender as was his heart, there was nothing weak about Michael Hosea. He was the strongest-minded man Joseph had ever met. A Man like Noah. A Man like the Shepherd-king David. A man after God's own heart.”

“Lord, you said do your will and I’m trying hard. Does it have to hurt so much?...why did you give me this?

Because a thing seems difficult for you, do not think it impossible. –Marcus Aurelius

'You know, sometimes you can hurt yourself more by trying to keep yourself from being hurt'

“I don’t believe in some little, shriveled up old man in a long white beard sitting on a throne looking over me”. He chuckled. “Neither do I. I believe in something a lot bigger than that, and I’ll tell you something else,” His smile was gentle. “Just because you don’t believe in the Lord doesn’t mean His power isn’t working for you”.

He had lived Christ so that she could understand.

“What if God says no?” The possibility didn’t distress her. “Then he’s got something else in mind, something better than what you would think up for yourself”…”Angel, it’s not always easy to accept…”

“Jonathan closed his eyes. Oh, God, it’s not the way I had things planned. But then, what of real, lasting value ever is?”

“I have been insufferable, and self-righteous, and cruel. The revelation was bitter and painful, but a relief, too. There was an odd sort of freedom in standing before a mirror and seeing himself clearly. For the first time in his life”.

"Angel had understood a higher quality of love: sacrifice"

“Love the Lord your God, and love one another. Love one another as He loves. Love with strength and purpose and passion and no matter what comes against you. Don't weaken. Stand against the darkness, and love. That's the way back into Eden. That's the way back to life.”

Refining Patience October 16, 2011

           Today I am in Bellingham after a refreshing weekend of driving, hiking, and spending time with friends in my college down, a place that still feels like home. I am at my favorite coffee place, on Boulevard Park and reading through Habakkuk 2, one of my favorite Old Testament passages. He begins by relating that he “will take [his] watch post and station [himself] on the tower, and look out to see what [God] will say to [him], and what I will answer concerning my complaint”. I love his intentionality, waiting on the Lord, expecting His guidance and direction. How easily I forget to do this, instead wallowing in my disappointments and unfulfilled wishes, forgetting that I can “come boldly unto His throne of grace (Hebrews). Habakkuk is bold and honest. He trusts God and calls Him to his character in obedient patience and prayer.
            The second and third verses, ones that have repeatedly jumped out to me, were of equal impact today. The lord answers Habakkuk by telling him to “write the vision; make it plain on the tablets…” and today I was caught by the thought, when was the last time I did that? Boldly, wrote out to God my dreams, humbly telling my father what was on my heart? So I did that, and then continued to verse three—
            For still the vision awaits its appointed time; it hastens to the end—it will not lie. If it seems slow, wait for it; it will surely come; it will not delay.
            Wow. Yes, my dreams need refining, I need patience, and I doubt their fulfillment will look much like my ideas on paper today. But I don’t need to be ashamed of them, to write them, to share them with The One who made me. I need to have patience, the things I desire that are In his will are going to happen. He wills and works for His good pleasure, as I work out my salvation with fear and trembling, without grumbling or questioning, as a light to this world (Phil. 2:12-15). Today I needed the reminder that I can share my heart and dreams as offerings to Him, entrusting them to Him because my life is apart of His story. 
            The sermon today, on Nehemiah, was a great beginning to his reminder. Pastor Darren Young called us to remember to see what is in our hands—where we’re placed in life, our gifts, influence, where we’re broken. The follow up to those things will mean trusting God in the face of fear as we sacrifice for the vision because comfort is like quicksand and fear is a catalyst. I need to trust that His vision, and the glimpses on my heart today, are in His sovereign hands. He is working, the vision is hastening, as I looked at my list, I was amazed that at least half of it was on its way to being fulfilled in ways I can see today; and encouraged that the rest will come in His time, in His way whether fulfilled or replaced through refining, I cannot miss it. He is working, refining me in patience.
            I can take heart, the vision is hastening. Just like hiking this weekend, I may not be able to see the trail, to know when I’ll reach the destination, but yet I keep moving, trekking in the confusion, knowing that clarity will come as I trust and obey in what I can see.

Piper: look for the purpose, not the cause

Yesterday was one of those days of painful truths, prayer, and provision. In many cycles and orders. I went to bed exhausted, emotionally spent, and yet encouraged because the truth does set you free. After a rough night of partially restful sleep and a busy day ahead of me, I prayed for encouragement, something "tangible" from God's word, His promises to help me through this day of recovery, healing, and a hectic schedule. As I started my car, I decided to catch up on podcasts this morning. I listened to some clips before settling in on a sermon by John Piper called The Works of God and the Worship of Jesus, on John 9:1-39, when Jesus heals a man who was blind from birth, and while I just gave the link, thought I would share the excerpts (emphasis mine) that jumped out at me as the answer to my prayer, reminding me to look for the purpose in my pain, not simply the cause.

Last time, we focused on verses 1–5. Jesus sees a man who had been blind from birth. His disciples ask about the cause of the blindness. Jesus turns the question around and says, in effect, human causes are not decisive in explaining things. Divine purposes are decisive. Verse 3: “It was not that this man sinned, or his parents [human causes], but that the works of God might be displayed in him [God’s purpose].” The reason causes are not the ultimate explanation for things is that God is not ultimately a responder but ultimately a planner. In other words, when God ordains that something happen, God is not, at the bottom, responding to human causes. He is, at bottom, planning a purpose.

This hit me like a ton of bricks and caused me to do a 180 in the way I was thinking about the hard truths from yesterday, and still thinking about the encouraging news about my hearing last week. But Piper's insight continued....

The implication of this for your life is profound. No matter what mess you’re in or what pain you’re in, the causes of that mess and that pain are not decisive in explaining it. What is decisive in explaining it is God’s purpose. Yes, there are causes. Some of them your fault, perhaps, and some of them not. But those causes are not decisive in determining the meaning of your mess or your pain. What is absolutely decisive is God’s purpose. “It was not that this man sinned, or his parents, but that the works of God might be displayed in him” (verse 3).
And if you will confess your sins, and hold fast to Jesus as your Rock and your Redeemer and your Riches, God’s purpose for your mess and your pain will be a good purpose. It will be worth everything you must endure. We know this is true because God says so. Romans 8:28: “And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.”

The circumstances surrounding yesterday were ones that I did have fault in, I clung to things that I should have let go of months ago, and now I paid the price for it, but I also can look back and see God's purpose in it. I have grown in ways I never would have without the circumstances so my "cause" isn't the end of it, beating myself up does nothing but tie me down and discourage. I must move my focus to the purposes of the painful things in my life.

One last note, of exhortation and encouragement from the middle of this sermon:

Being loved by God, and being with God forever, is better than having eyes and better than being alive in this world. If we don’t believe that, then saying that God has wise and good purposes in all our losses, will not be much comfort. But if we do believe it, not only will God’s purposes comfort us and strengthen us, but they will make us able to patiently, and gently help others through their times of darkness.

I am so thankful for John Piper's ministry and insight. I encourage you check out his sermons at Desiringgod.org

A Spiritual Quest to Mordor, and Other Metaphors

           Do you ever have those seasons where it seems like you’re walking in circles? It can seem like everything is against you and you’re alone in a quest that is beyond difficult, not at all what you signed up for, or would ever choose, almost like it was thrust upon you. To top it off, the destination isn’t all that appealing in light of the trouble it takes to get there. Like Frodo we want to give up, being so self-centered that we forget our stories are so much bigger than ourselves, there is so much going on and our “little” lives play a big part. Like George Bailey, it can take a rude awakening to realize that “you really have a wonderful life, don’t you see what a mistake it would be to throw it all away”. In the depths of pain and suffering we lose focus on the big picture because of the pain of our snapshot. I’m all too guilty of falling into seasons where life can seem bleak. It seems like things keep piling up at the same rate close friends get busy and real quick it seems like we’re alone. Like Frodo, and George Bailey, we need perspective. Need to stop listening to the lies and the long lists of “cannot and why me’s” that echo in our heads. We need to look out and look up. Look out into the world and realize how blessed we are not just in spite of our troubles, but in the midst of them. We’re blessed that we’re chosen, called according to HIS purpose. The hard things in our lives are to make us Holy, to impact HIS Kingdom for His glory. We need to be confronted like Frodo, to realize “'You really don't suppose, do you, that all your adventures and escapes were managed by mere luck, just for your sole benefit?”. This has helped me immensely when I get caught up in all the unknowns, wishful thinking, and unfulfilled dreams/wishes that seem to point to our eminent failure and to make eternity a mirage. We need a dose of reality and a renewed mind.
            In a similar way, early Autumn is absolutely my favorite time of the year- I LOVE how all the trees burst with color, the crisp air, and Pumpkin Spice Lattes by a fire with a good book; but it also reminds me of one of my favorite quotes from a series by Jan Karon, that relates “One of the things that makes a dead leaf fall to the ground is the bud of the new leaf that pushes it off the limb”. I cannot help but think that all too soon the gorgeous displays of color will soon be gone, the trees will be bare, and days will be shorter and greyer. Personally, in the last month or so, I’ve felt this way spiritually, that the burst of color this summer was is just about through and that the bleakness and bareness of winter has set in. Only recently have I been called to remember that the bareness comes before fruit, new life is coming, buds of spiritual fruit are being cultivated in the coldness of winter. Our faith is tested because it is more precious than gold, it is refined in suffering. So even in the depths of a “spiritual winter” there is hope, there is purpose, there are good things happening. I worship not out of feelings but out of faith; out of faith that waiting will have rewards, eternal worth. Just like winter, this is a season, not forever, it is necessary but not ultimate. It is preparation and purposeful, not a waste of time.
            Basically, this Spiritual “desert” is a season, purposeful and timely. Like a trek to Mordor it is difficult but has far surpassing worth, the bigger picture is a huge encouragement to persevere. Additionally, the Autumns and winters of my walk with Jesus are no less purposeful than the times of bright colors and ripe fruit, they are necessary and “okay” as seasons. God is working in ways I cannot imagine for His glory and my ultimate good. Always. I can curl up with a good book, hot tea, and pumpkin scented candles in expectation for growth that is to come but is already beginning. 

Encouraging Hearing Update

        Tonight I sit here encouraged and humbled- by Jesus' faithfulness and provision; even when I am distant and at times defiant.  As I sip on apple cinnamon tea, with an eclectic "Autumn Almanac" playlist in the background, I'll try to explain where I'm at in my journey with hearing loss.
         Today I had a 6 month follow up appointment with a Seattle-based Neurotologist who my uncle's friend (also a in neurotology) referred me to back in March. Before going I was apprehensive- back in March he had told me some hard news in a not so caring manner- that my hearing loss was probably the result of a syndrome that also caused my heart deformities and my height…and added that “your kids have a good chance of getting it too so you’ll probably want to do genetic testing”…apparently assuming that I wouldn’t want my kids to have the same thing (obviously, I want my kids to be healthy) but even before he said that I knew that any disability wouldn’t change my desire to have kids. Nevertheless, it is a hard thing to come to grips with. Additionally, every round of hearing test is nerve-wracking, I don’t want it to be worse, and I’m forced to look my fear in the face—because all too often I wrongly put my hope in the fact that I’m “managing” and that it’s “not any worse…YET”. Just this past week I was convicted of my reliance on my own ability to manage and my tendency to put my security in the sustenance of my current hearing- something I really can’t do much about. Needless to say, I was apprehensive this morning. Even during the tests I tend to overanalyze my “performance”. But at least this time I was reminded that even if my hearing is worse I am not less. I am no less loved, valued, or needed; those thoughts are a huge testament to the power of the Gospel. 
            Back to the appointment—after the usual round of tests, and an awkward discussion about insurance coverage (something I also need to entrust instead of “borrowing trouble from tomorrow” about—I was waiting to see the neurotologist. I was ushered into the room, and waited, again…praying for peace, for courage, and for humility to not take an attitude with him because of the off-putting visit in March. Thanks be to God—he was much more encouraging and related that my hearing test was actually better than the last 3 tests!! It was back to where it was when I first discovered my loss, in late 2007/ early 2008! He then stated that often inherited loss happens in stair steps with plateaus, and I’m currently in a undefined plateau. While there’s no way of knowing the future, he also stated that with the lack of distortion I have, I may never need a cochlear implant, but if I do that is still an option!
            I was so encouraged, so humbled, so blessed. In recent weeks so many people around me have been dealing with life threatening (and ending) diseases, it really puts my hearing loss in perspective! In addition, I’ve been reading through “Spiritual Depression” by Martin Lloyd-Jones and it has been one of the most convicting and comforting books I’ve ever read. Basically, he discusses the causes of it in Christians and how reorienting flawed perspectives of the gospel aids to relieve it. Anyway, to anyone who has prayed, thank you. And I ask you to check out these blogs/articles and pray for the people who are facing life-threatening illnesses.

Baby Reese with Cancer
Katie Collier, a Senior at my old High School and a star athlete with leukemia
my cousin Donna with congestive heart failure 
Baby Brielle- a premature baby, for her lungs, eyes, and ears

Also, add names in the comments and I'd love to keep them in my prayers! 

What Did Minneapolis Mean? September 20, 2011

           It’s been a little over two months since I spent eight days in Minneapolis, Minnesota. I just finished reading yet another edifying and encouraging blog post by John Knight (Check it out here), one of the many people I was privileged to meet with. As I finished, I was struck with the question “What did Minneapolis mean?” What was the trip’s purpose, where should it lead me? Even now, I am humbled and amazed by how God brought he trip together, and I went almost in spite of myself. I’m not impulsive an had no idea that a random, late night conversation with a “come to Minneapolis this summer” passing line would be the spark that led to eight days of stepping out in faith. Eight days of going to a city I had only visited once before to stay with people I had only met once, to meet with established ministry heads, simply as a young Seattleite with a heart for disability ministry. I feared before I went; feared being an imposition, not knowing the wonderful people I was to meet, the conversations I was to have, and the blessed ride it would be.  IT was SO not like me—and so like Jesus.

            So like Jesus to ask me to step out and trust Him. Trust that He would (and did) provide transportation, words for the meetings, and so many new acquaintances and times with friends that encouraged and inspired me. I met and got to know so many people who spoke volumes about the Body of Christ simply by being themselves—humbled servants of Jesus.  True to His character, the trip wasn’t what I expected (a day longer, almost getting hit by a car, driving an Explorer, to name a few) and just what I needed to grow. I was stretched to trust, surprised by the details of how He hemmed me in, before and behind, and grateful that He reveals His wisdom and plans in His perfect timing. The unexpected conversations, time with family, and new friendships sparked renewed joy as I put myself out there, letting Him be my guide and guard.

            Its two months later; and where does the trip fit now? Do I see it as a faith fluke, just a trip? That the conversations and their implications have run their course? Or do I reflect and regroup, determined not to let it solely be a past memory, but an aspect of present and future direction and change? This note is an indication of the latter. I want to live more like I did in those eight days—trusting Him to meet my tangible needs. In order to do that, I have to get out of my comfort zone, live in a way where I’ll be in trouble if He doesn’t show up.  Secondarily, I need to live in the body, lean on them because iron does sharpen iron. I need to seek that community out and be an active member in it. (oh, I teach Sunday school, attend a small group, but that doesn’t equate a strong spiritual intimacy or transparency, or a dependence on the other indispensable members of the body). Also, I don’t want to live in fear; of hardship, awkwardness, or honest heart conversations that will change friendships. Each of those occurred in the eight days and I grew exponentially, in the both the confusion and confirmation.

            Similarly, the guest preacher this week challenged us to ask the Holy Spirit, “what’s next”? I think this is an aspect of that for me—what’s next in light of the lessons in faith, and connections forged in Minneapolis? Do I move? Where and how should I continue to step out in faith? I have no idea, but I know this—He leads guides, wills and works for His good pleasure. It is my job to step out, trust, and obey. Just like my time in Minneapolis, I can’t see where He’ll lead me next, but I know it will be for my good and His glory.

I Wanna Love You Today

Yes, I posted this last night and took it off. But for whatever reason I feel compelled to re-post it today. It's personal, but it may resonate with others....

I Wanna Love You Today

Sitting here alone tonight,

painting my nails red, thinking about the day I’ll meet you;

when I’ll wear white,

overwhelmed by the fact that I wanna love you today.

I don’t know your name, your face, or where you are,

All I know is that one day I’ll have a piece of your heart,

you’ll hold my hand, and I’ll understand,

 it was all worth it,

Loving you today.

I can’t look into your eyes, but I can prepare for the day they shine,

As you gaze into mine,

By loving you today.

Loving you in my actions, my emotions, guarding my heart,

Not wanting anything, anyone, to taint any part of me meant for you.

Cultivating character, being a Godly wife,

Is rooted in my walk, as Christ IS my life.

Wanting to be a wife of strength and beauty,

starts today as I live a life of love, not of duty.

Living this day in light of loving you for a thousand tomorrows,

Future joy already lifting today’s sorrows.

I can love you today in light of His grace,

Knowing in His time, your hand will be in mine.

I can love you by waiting,

Not throwing my heart to the ground,

Expecting you to be happy to pick up shattered pieces I let go, gave away, 
to someone just messing around.

Many won’t understand, will wanna give me a hand,

Shaking their heads as I go about my day,

As I trust in His time, like anything in life, it’s always better that way.

Right now I don’t understand the wait,

I don’t even know your name,

He knows when we’ll meet, when life will never be the same,

But for now, at least I know how I can love you today.

Please ask me if you'd like to copy this or use it. Thanks.

Elise 

Providentially Persistent Dreams September 13, 2011

            Everyone dreams; 3, 30, 90, no matter what age we all have desires, goals, regrets, that consistently drift through our minds. It’s part of our nature to have wishes and longings; often about changing the past or the future. Many times we see these dreams as flighty or impossible, destined to be on instant replay in our daydreams but never to be fulfilled. We seem too small; the obstacles seem insurmountable, what are the odds? I think it’s easy to look at the Biblical stories and see God’s hand—hindsight is 20/20. But I think its beneficial to re-examine those “flannel-graph epics” in light of the humans involved. Not that we forget God’s non-negotiable role—rather to remember we are just as human, He is just as sovereign and good. Take Abraham—you think he had a sense of adventure—wanted to know what was outside of Er? Maybe that nudge to go and trust God to lead him was there for years, decades. And David, what little boy doesn’t dream of killing a lion or bear, or slaying a huge foe?

            Personally, I all too easily give up on my seemingly impossible dreams, forgetting that God “knows the plans he has for me, to give me a hope and a future” (Jeremiah 29:11) and then (verses 12-14) I call upon him and seek Him. Have you ever stopped to think that maybe, just maybe, God planted those nagging dreams in your heart because they are a part of His plan; to bring them about as He “wills and works for His good pleasure” (Philippians 2:13)?  It takes true faith to trust as we pursue those dreams—Abraham had to take a step, David had to face the lion, grab the stones and sling. Our divinely appointed dreams take preparation—and our Father knows that, prepares us because the plans are His—long before we even have the nudges. Take heart, He wills the plans he has and will bring them about. He directs or steps (Proverbs 16:9). It is often in hindsight we see how He guided and provided—it will be there. Our job is to persevere in prayer, be faithful today; the future and its fruits are in his hands. In a sermon several years ago, Mark Driscoll related that “even if you are praying in God's will, you may need to persevere in prayer for God's timing. You may be praying for things that are fully in God's desire for you and that he would have you pray for. If they're not happening don't get discouraged and throw in the towel, but wait, because in addition to God's will there's the matter of his timing".

            For me, this has been readily apparent in the last few years, I have had the nudge to go to Kenya since I was 13, maybe even younger. There have been failed trips, timing issues, and of course financial obstacles. But the dream has never gone away; every few years or months it comes roaring back—not in condemnation that I haven’t gone, but a stronger conviction to go. Since graduating from college—I haven’t been able to shake it and more things have providentially fallen together to show me that this desire has divine inspiration—now, that doesn’t mean I WILL go, but that regardless of the outcome/fulfillment of the dream God is using it for my good, growth, and His glory. If the trip doesn’t happen soon, God is still sovereign over it-working in my waiting, sanctifying me. I have been blown away by His direction and guidance—awestruck that a middle school bucket list goal has carried through. Additionally, I’ve been convinced that God does know the plans he has for me—and will bring them about. My job is to obey in what I see and can do today. David had practiced for hours with that sling, probably never imagining that it was preparation to slay an actual giant—displaying God’s equipping of His chosen for His glory.

            I don’t want to give up on dreams.  I’m certain that the plans, dreams, and goals given by God will be carried out—by His hand as I obey daily; remembering that its not about me making them happen so I get a “Godly pat on the back, a gold star” but because He knows the plans He has for me and wills and works to bring them about. Whatever persistent, providential dreams are in your heart, don’t give up on them—persevere in prayer and trust in His timing, they’re in His hands.

I Can’t Live Like I’m Waiting September 2, 2011

            I was struck today that I can’t live life like I’m waiting; waiting for a husband, a career, and financial security. Sure, I want those things but approaching each day as if they are “missing” robs me of living fully, appreciating the present. The only thing I am “missing out” on is contentment when I live like my life hasn’t started because those things are not a part of it. Living like I’m waiting is a horrible testimony—it also is debilitating, causes me to have weak knees, drooped hands, and a wilting spirit. IT is the open wound in which bitterness, discontentment, envy, and anger fester. That’s why I must change my perspective, I need to be joyful in hope (Romans 12:12) not wounded and waiting.

            Sure, I still desire each of those things in life, but my confidence and contentment, more importantly, my value and purpose, aren’t defined by obtaining them. I can’t hold back because I want to “give God an opportunity” and “well, if I do ___ then how could ___ ever happen?” Forgetting God knows my desires, and will faithfully cultivate the ones He wants to bring about and use in my life.

            Today has so much purpose; I don’t want to miss it because I am dwelling on future possibilities, not the present gifts.

            This doesn’t mean I don’t live in light of the future, that would be irresponsible, but I just can’t find my contentment and security in the imagined realities for it—let’s be honest, those rarely happen according to our plans.  The Bible tells us to live in light of the future, (Hebrews 12) not the fulfillment of earthly desires, but of heavenly promises, when the full weight of glory is present.

            This view; future, heavenly, hope is enabling and encouraging. When I remember the hope of heaven, I can hope for the things I desire on earth without being dismayed in my perceived delay of them. I can trust that as His daughter I “lack no good thing”(Psalm 34:10). The only thing I need to be content is to choose it. So today I want to choose to be content, to stop living like I’m waiting and living in gratitude, in light of grace, in the hope of heaven.

Temptation and Traffic August 18, 2011

            We all have ruts, thought patterns, habits, attitudes, even expectations that we can’t seem to shake. Often it is “ex post facto”, after the fact, that we see how those have tied us down, “easily entangled”. It’s easy to drift through our days without discerning our direction, true motives, and expectations for those around us and the myriad of circumstances we encounter each day.

            I was convicted of this, yet again, today as I sat in a horrible traffic jam. Isn't it amazing how our true fuses are shown when getting form A to B is hindered by an unforeseen obstacle? Irritation escalates in irrational proportions and astonishing intervals when we’re at the wheel. As I sat there, I was convicted that it was probably caused by an accident, and I should be thankful that I only have to deal with the traffic, not the tragedy an accident that blocked 3 lanes of I-5 was in someone’s life. Even now, I’m thankful for the reminder of how blessed I am, how fragile life is.

            In the same way, Hebrews 4 touched on the subject of temptation and conviction. You see, we have another option than anger and stewing—submission. Realizing we don’t even make our own hearts beat.  Christ is our perfect high priest—who also identifies with my temptations that so tantalize and distract my flesh. He’s not aloof; He’s understanding. He lived the way I want to live—and doesn’t condemn, but cleanses, calls me up through conviction and encouragement, not debilitating disappointment.

            Back to the driving analogy, what a wonderful metaphor for our spiritual walk. When we try to take control over things we can’t, like traffic, or temptation being around us (in some instances), we quickly get fed up, play the victim, rationalize our rage by the comparison “anyone would be mad”. The issue isn’t temptation, its our response—our hearts. You see, it’s not about avoiding every possible temptation, that would be impossible, nor can we claim to be helpless, rather, we must accept conviction, act in faith, work out what Christ has claimed for us. He wants us to use our weaknesses as opportunities to teach us, cleanse us, cultivate His character in us. I think its an odd balance of accepting you’ll fail daily, hourly, while not letting that keep you from fighting the flesh, getting out of the rut. I am thankful for temptation and traffic because they are necessary tethers to relying on Christ.

Writing in the trenches August 10, 2011

            I haven’t written for the last week. Is it because I haven’t had any “profound” insights, or because I haven’t taken the time? For me, writing is a joy—but it is also a discipline, a gift to be cultivated. I have to be intentional and writing for the right reasons—not to feed my ego but to please my Savior. I should write to obey with this gift and passion he’s entrusted to me.

            Some days you write in the trenches, it’s a battle, not a word comes without opposition, without a fight. But the key is to press on, keep going, fight for the words, writing by faith, not when I can see where the essay is going, but trusting Him who guides my pen, my thoughts. Similarly, when you stop fighting in the trenches, forget what’s important; why you’re there, you lose so much more than you bargain for. It’s easy to slip into despair.

            The key is to keep fighting—keep writing. On the days I have “nothing to say”—who knows, the inspiration and insight may come a the most unexpected times—like when I’m washing my face (this morning, for instance). But most often, it comes when I take the time; giving my mind and heart the “exercise” they need. I think everyone has their “something”—that they are gifted in but need to grow in and work for.

            Just like in war—I’m not alone. I have many soldiers around me and a commander whose knowledge, wisdom, and insight surpass everyone! I can write with confidence because of Christ. It is He who equips and encourages, inspires and prepares. He sees where this is going; its my duty to follow, obey, press on, with humility. Humility is key to being effective. I cannot write to please others, to get a pat on the back fluffed up. I have to write out of love for and trust in my Savior, who sends, inspires, and uses me as He wills, for His glory. Just like the cool water refreshed and woke me up this morning—this humbling insight into my ideas about my writing (prideful, own agenda) will be used to cleanse and change me.

            My goal from now on is to write in the trenches; the busy, monotonous, and difficult days are just as purposeful as those days where I feel I have something to say.

From the Archive: OLD piece of writing from 8th or 9th grade

This is a “book” I started writing around 8th or 9th grade, and I’ve left it in its entirety (grammar errors and all)… this page is as far as I got. Ironically enough, the last lines are exactly what I needed to hear today…

            All teenage girls look and notice guys. It’s a no brainer. Everywhere we go we are bombarded with the world’s view of what a guy should be. They say if they’re not cute or cool then Hey, they’re not worth it. But I pose the question, what exactly is “cool”. As a Christian cool should be defined as someone who has a strong relationship with God, and at all costs, will stand up for they’re faith. Our standard for guys should be higher then the world’s. But what qualities should we look for in a guy who potentially may become a boyfriend, and even a husband? I believe God is telling us, as Christian girls to search for boys who are “Hot at Heart”

Chapter 1

Worlds View vs. The Christians

            The world today is not at the morality level it was at even ten years ago. TV is more profane then ever the shows subject us to more sex and violence then we should see. Hey, I admit the “cool” shows like “Friends” and “Will and Grace” may be tempting to watch since “everyone is doing it” but it is not worth it. The world tells us that all the matters is our appearance. But that is just not true. The Bible tells us that Jesus probably wasn’t the hottest guy out there, but hey! He was the Son of God! The world tells us that if we are not a size 0 or don’t wear clothes that are tighter then tight, then there is something wrong or we don’t measure up. Girls, we don’t realize how much the way we dress affects the guys around us. They are wired totally different and as fellow sisters in Christ we need to respect that weakness and try to dress in a way that is fashionable but glorifies God. Our definition of “cool” should be different then the world’s

            A cool Christian guy should have many traits. They should stand up for their faith in God, even when that may not be the cool thing to do. Look for this, it is a great sign as to where a guy is spiritually. A Christian boy should really respect girls for who we are and be a gentle man. Even simple things such as opening the door for us is a great indicator as to what they may be like. Look to see how they act around their guy friends as well. Are they the ones making the sick jokes, the ones laughing at it, or the he one who is trying to direct the conversation in a more appropriate direction. I know that in middle school and high school we are just trying to figure out who we are but even then, look for the guys who are more mature in spirit and are serious about their faith. The Bible says a Godly man will pay attention to what God says and will listen closely to his words (Prov. 4:20 NIV). Try to find the guys who are like this, if you can’t see it coming through, pray for the guys and wait, maturity will come. 

Cultivating Character August 3, 2011

            In the past week I’ve been reading through the first half of the book of Daniel. One of the biggest things that has stood out to me has been that Daniel had cultivated character. He didn’t wake up his first day in Babylon as an exile with all the wisdom that later on saved his life and others. Rather, he was brought to Babylon BECAUSE of his already distinguished wisdom—it was cultivated long before the instrumental challenges in Babylon. Additionally, Daniel had friend to lean on, who were like him in wisdom and faith—they too demonstrated their character in the face of the fiery furnace. While reading, I was stuck in a new way with the importance of character for the future starting today. Those future desires to be a godly wife and mother of character won’t appear on my wedding day or when my first child is born—they start now. Habits become character, and shouldn’t be taken lightly.

            The struggles I face today—internally with temptation and interpersonally, are purposeful opportunities to hone my character as the Holy Spirit works in me.  In addition, over the last few days I’ve listened to some sermon excerpts by Francis Chan (who I met on an airplane last year, haha) and have been convicted and called out—to realize this temporal life has external ramifications. Oddly, I'm encouraged that God’s not as concerned about the attainment of my goals for the future as he is with how I obey in the next ten minutes—which will undoubtedly impact my future.

            My prayer is that I don’t forget the importance of cultivating character through sanctification. It is Christ who works in me. Just like the tree doesn’t’ will and force itself to bear fruit, I cannot make myself bear spiritual fruit—in dying to myself, I allow HIS life to root me, water me, cause my character to grow for this day and the future.

Grumbling Through Growing August 12, 2011

I've written several pieces in between the last post and this...but I have a nudge to post this first...so, here goes.

Remember how bad growing pains used to hurt as a kid? The ache, feeling like you were being tortured, stretched like Laffy Taffy? It seemed so pointless, why couldn’t you wake up grown up? Like Tom Hanks in Big or Jennifer Garner in 13 Going on 30? You know, skip the awkward, angsty part and just wake up an adult with a family, career, “everything” planned out?

             Well, in the last year, since graduating college, I’ve found myself in the same place—growing pains. It seems like every stage of life since birth has had a logical and inevitable following stage: diapers, preschool, elementary school, high school, college…and now? What? It’s an odd and painful place to be when there’s no “set stage” in front of you. Personally, I find myself in a season of unknown—thankful for options I have but not a set way to go. Sure, I could jump into a career, but I also kinda want to “just be a mom”. Since graduating, I’ve been in a “driven women” environment—education. I love my job, working with kids, but find it hard to shrug the “career cattle” mentality of “moove (sorry…couldn’t resist the pun) on up, keep going. SUCCEED!” when deep down, I don’t know if that’s where I want to be pulled into right now-I need time. Similarly, the other big push, culturally, at least, is to “settle down”, or at least “hook up, date”. While I definitely want to be married, the reality is, today that is not right in front of me, and I tend to be traditional and want to be pursued. (I could go on an anthropological tangent about how its only been in the last 50 years or so (thanks, Woodstock, Betty Friedan, etc.) that marriage hasn’t been the expected “next step” and how this “extended adolescence” of Western Culture provides the framework for many “20-somethings” like myself to experience this second “awkward stage”…but I’ll refrain, for that’s another essay entirely.

            So where does this leave me? Sadly, I often am grumbling in these growing pains, doubting, frustrated; impatient to know where the next year(s) are going. It feels as though I’m with Israel, wandering in the desert, wondering where exactly I’m headed, and how I’ll even know when I get there—obviously forgetting the purpose of the journey. Just like Jennifer and Tom had to learn in their movies—getting to the destination “adulthood” without the journey, the struggle, isn’t what you bargain for—you miss so many lessons, opportunities to trust and grow. Can you imagine waking up two feet taller-its as awkward as a new born calf—even a few inches leaves you gawky and stumbling—remember middle school? All that to say; there IS great purpose in the fact that growing is a process. Someday these “in between” years will be hindsight (something you can’t gain without experience).

            Each day has purpose. I have a chance to grow, to start to become the wife and mom I want to be someday—to mirror my Savior as He refines me. On top of all of this, I’ve been convicted that I’m not content---so easily forgetting that if I’m not content with what I have today—I wont be when the things I dream about play out. Contentment is a choice—and it has to be rooted in the One who doesn’t change. I have to remember that while these growing pains ache and are awkward, ultimately they lead to joy and maturity. This life is so short. I don’t want to waste it waiting for the future. I want to live it daily-trusting, delighting in the direction I CAN see, giving thanks that I’m growing, not grumbling that I’m not “grown”.